Came back from my vacation a few days ago. I had a blast with my friends. It was good to get away from my sitch. I really needed a change of scenery to recharge my batteries.
There was very limited contact with my H while I was gone. I only contacted him to let him know that I had arrived safely. He did call at 11:30 one night about a household matter. I thought that there was an emergency when I saw the call but when I answered realized that there wasn't one.
I did some thinking while on vacation and realized that I really do love this man. However, looking at my sitch I really think that he has tuned out. I have said goodbye in my heart and released him.
While I was on vacation I started thinking about the life I want to lead. I felt like I reached a milestone. I am not sure exactly where I am headed but good things are unfolding. Some positive things have been happening in my life outside of my M challenges. I am excited about those. When I was on vacation one of my friends was skipping down the street like a little kid. She was so happy to be in the moment. She looked a bit silly and I lovingly asked her if she knew how silly she looked. She knows a bit about my sitch and said to me if I were you I would skip a little every day. And then we both skipped down that street to the amusement of several passersby. So, I plan to skip a little every day. Don't you just love friends like that ?
Tonight my H sent me an e-mail that made me angry. Instead of replying in anger I emailed him a racy response which I thought was very over the top. I was laughing when I sent it and never thought he would take it seriously because there has been nothing but distance between us for months. I have been GALing my butt off and no R talk. Good Kara. Honestly I was just fed up when I sent it and feeling a tad mischievous.
Well, he responded by telling me he was severely tempted but did not think it was a good idea for us to get physical. He repeated that he was very tempted. He said he still had feelings for me but it was too hard to go there again. I asked what was the answer for us. He said he didn't know. I asked whether he wanted to D me. He said no, he genuinely does not know what to do but please don't badger him right now.
I said the response was in jest because I never thought he would respond but that in honesty I was tempted as well and wanted our M to work. (2x4s?). He looked sad when I said it was in jest so I also said, of course I want you and am tempted as well. I told him I did not want a D but that I could not force him to be with me and I would enjoy my life regardless.I told him that living in a house where it feels like we are ignoring each other is childish. I told him even if we decide to separate that there was no reason we could not communicate like adults. He said he was not ignoring me but it was how he was coping with things.
He again said I was very very tempting but there was a lot of water under the bridge which made it difficult for him to be engaged emotionally and he wanted to be fair to both of us.
I thanked him for being truthful and discussing feelings for the first time in months!!!!So, somehow I feel good even though it was not an I love you conversation. It was a conversation about feelings and truth.
What to do now???HELLPPP!!! I think I should retreat to a friendly non-pursuing space.
It doesn't sound like there's been any damage done. Just act like it didn't happen. If he wants to act on it, he will. If he brings it up in conversation, talk about it. Otherwise, just let it go.
And, it's probably a good idea to give him some space tonight.
My H came back from a trip bearing gifts. Well, he is not Greek, so I accepted them (beware of Greeks bearing gifts). A perfume set and some chocolates I like. I was not at home when he came in (a 180) and he texted me on some pretext to say he was back. Well, whop dee doo! Roll out the old red carpet, why doncha.
I finally arrive at home three hours later to see him (surprise surprise) getting ready for a night on the town. Tell me something new. I thanked him for the gifts and said I guess I'll see you in the morning. Have fun.
Now hear this, he is still text messaging the mystery woman. He is always out and I can only reach the reachable conclusion which he refuses to confirm. Not that I have asked recently.
I am so sick of this nonsense. What do I have to show as progress in this M after seven months of Dbing? Precious little. Something has to give as I will not tolerate another year of this open disrespect and deceit. I feel like kicking DBing to the curb and just leaving him be. My friends are urging me to stick with it but in my mind I am planning Jan 1 as my Announcement Date, to wit:
Dear H, I am through with you. Have a nice life.
Why bring me these gifts and still continue with his single married life? Is he worth it? The person he used to be is but this uncaring, selfish, inconsiderate, childish, person is not. Why must I deal with a child in an adult's body? A child who refuses to deal with issues but just makes himself as busy as busy can be so that he does not have to face the reality which he says is too painful? And then have another woman added to the mix? Oh, no. I am feeling done and done-er.
But Reality Bites. I am not moving out of my home. He is not moving anywhere. He is happy to live in LimboLand indefinitely. I WILL not. I know the time approaches when I have to DO SOMETHING. But what? I refuse to live a lie and a life of deceit. I deserve better.
It is a new Game Plan (AGAIN) starting now.
Step 1 - Out of the house early in the morning. Don't plan to see him before I leave and I will be back late.
Step 2- New outfit. Check. New heels. Check. New shades. Check. This is my gear for Tuesday.He will see me in it before I leave the house. I will be home late and back out again.
Step 3 - Gym on Wednesday. New gym outfit that will make him cry.
Step 4 - Thursday - TDB
Step 5 - Friday. Start of weekend trip away.
Childish? Maybe. But it will make me feel better in a small little way.
Why would he buy me gifts and still be acting like a fool? What is the purpose of all of this? Anyone? (especially the guys? Puppy? Coach? Dia? Sandi?
Well,I lost my cool earlier this week and exploded at H when he reacted testily to an innocent comment I had made. I was just focused on how disrespected I have been feeling and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I let him know that I had concluded that he had zero respect for me and that I would not be treated like that.I reminded him that I was a woman of value. I was so frustrated that unfortunately I started to cry a little but quickly regained my composure. Then tears came to his eyes and he quickly blinked them away.
We have both spoken little since this happened. Our interaction has mostly been limited to Good Morning and Good Night. I have reached a limit with the disrespect factor associated with being involved with OP. Sometimes I think my H must be insane!
I have taken stock of my situation and realize that I need to shake up H's equilibrium big time. HE will now have to wonder what is on my mind. I have been far too transparent with my desires and thoughts even though I may not have expressed them. I can no longer be an open book to him. I need to be more unpredictable and resume my GALing which had tapered down a bit. I need to be unavailable. I need to shake the very foundation of his world and his certainty that I am a sure thing for him. I need to turn this sitch upside down. He needs to want me and when he wants me he needs to WORK to get me back. He has to show that he respects me again because without that it just ain't happening.
I will do the work and trust God for the rest. Much of it is beyond me and I rest easy in the knowledge that He is always in control. He knows my heart and hears my prayers. I could not have made it this far without Him.
I don't think I've ever posted on your thread, but what you said in your recent post struck a chord in me. The "woman of value" quote is what I've been thinking today as well. I am a person of value...we all are. Our walk-aways have really dealt a blow to our self-esteem and self-ego. It's our job to never let any individual detetermine our self-worth. We determine our own happiness and worth.
Kind Regards, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
