Question

[awest1217]

Actually I started reading DR in August and finished the beginning of September so yeah he came back in a month, but he came back right after I said I was going to talk to a lawyer and he could check that I wasn't bluffing because the records can be seen online. I really think him coming home was just saying he didn't want to let go yet, but he doesn't want to be a husband either. I was really headed towards divorce, even asking my sister to borrow a ring so I could wear it instead of my wedding ring because I saw no point in continuing the charade, then that same weekend after no real talking and no seeing each other for 2 weeks, H came home. I don't know if it was because he missed us or if he just wanted to not lose his "family", or if he just didn't want to lose his fall back option because I was no longer going to stand in limbo, or he honestly wants to give it another try. I guess with me either way I have to be thankful that at least he came home., but the hard part is putting what I have learned into practice with him here.

I am listening better by not cutting him off, but I retort when he says something to deliberately hurt me when I really should just say that hurts and not keep score. I snoop, which I am having a horrible time stopping (any suggestions out there to help me stop). I am having a horrible time of forgiving, but I keep saying he hasn't stopped yet so why should I forgive. I have to show him I have changed and I am doing that slowly. He is pushing me on the changes because he refuses to make the decisions (although the reason he left was because he said I was too. controlling). He pushes just the right buttons to get me to go into our usual fights so he can say "I tried, but she has not changed", although he has not changed either. I constantly ask him about our relationship and going to counseling and I shouldn't, but I WILL CHANGE AND I WILL SHOW HIM I AM A CONFIDENT YET LOVING WOMAN. It is just such a fine line for me and so hard since I have been in charge since I was 10 and my dad died. I have watched my mother be abused by two husbands and don't like being vulnerable because I will get hurt, but that is what love is. It is getting hurt. If you don't leave everything out there then you haven't truly loved. This is what I am doing now. Leaving everything out on the field and seeing what happens, if I leave all on the line and we still get a divorce I have at least done everything possible.

Tomorrow will be the 1st of my hardest tests, but I will make it through, and hopefully by venting here I will be able to gain my energy to be enthusiastic around H, show him love yet leave him to show it back and not make him do it.