New here, this is my story...

[sandi2]

Sandi, I know you were in my wife's shoes. Tell me what you think.

What I have to say is not the answer to this question.....well maybe it is in an indirect way. I hope this will not do more hurt to you b/c that is not my intent, but I am going to be completely honest. (Well....I am always honest with you....but that is just a way of saying something--so don't pick the words apart.)

I think you have put yourself in a place of obsessing about your wife and it is going to turn her off more and more. A woman can sense this about a man and it is not attractive. The love you so despartly want from her will not be there--due to how you have presented your emotions to her.

I don't blame you for wanting hope to cling to....however, you remind me of some characters in movies I've seen where the woman is trying to be nice and tell the man she is not interested and probably will never be interested.....and yet he hangs onto that one word that she didn't even notice or "intended" to say. She really didn't mean anything by it.....she didn't put any value on that one word....but the man placed everything on it b/c that is what he wanted to believe.

You have done so great and you should feel good about that. I just hate to see you this sad and depressed b/c I'm concerned that it comes across in your personna. You don't seem to be getting a life.....or maybe it is just b/c you come here to vent your feelings about her. It's good that you do, but I do believe you have passed the "normal" thoughts, concerns, and feelings toward your W and it is now becoming an unhealthy obsession. I personally think you need to work very hard to keep your mind on other things beside just your wife. You must move forward as if she is not going to ever be part of your life again. You see, if you don't....then there is no chance of her being attracted to you. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like a man loses something when he gets to obsessing about a woman. He becomes clingy and needy and she can't see him as the strong manly person who she wants as her knight in shining armour. A woman will not be attracted to a male who is weak and needy. She has to be attracted to you before she has the "feelings" you are wanting her to have!

You must stop telling her that you "miss" her. Can't you see what that does? You knew it was the wrong thing to do and yet you still did it! That is what I can't understand. Can you see how the evening would have ended much better if you had not opened that door of emotion again? Why did you think that she would react differently this time? You go down that tunnel thinking you are going to find cheese....and even the mice knows by now that there is no cheese there. Stop going down that tunnel! Don't let the mice be smarter than you!

I might as well throw this in too. If you are expressing your feelings of missing her....b/c you have the need to say that so badly that it is more important than the "outcome"....then that is pure selfishness! You know you were expecting an reaction from her. If she had been flipant and said, "Okay, well, see ya" and went out the door....you would have lost your teeth! You were hoping that she would melt and b/c you told her your feelings it would have a positve effect on her.....but it didn't. It won't the next time, either. She is not deaf....you have told her this and she heard you, okay? It is not necessary to tell her again. Being S or D is not like being M where you continue to tell the other spouse how you feel.

What are you doing to make yourself more interesting and attractive? (I think I've asked this before.) Sitting around thinking of how much you love your wife and how you "just want this to be over" is not attractive and nobody wants to be around somebody like that. So, pull yourself out of this slump before you end up in the hospital. You are an amazing man and it is such a waste to see you do this when you could be growing into an even greater man than you already are! You can be giving to your children all the love and attention that they deserve. You need to live life every day instead of thinking of how sad you are. Yes, it hurts, but if she doesn't go back to you...are you going to spend each day--from here on out--thinking the way you "have" been doing lately? You can't control her decisions, but you can have control about your own life and how you choose to live it. Happiness is a choice.....and nobody will make you happy....that isn't even fair to place that burden on her. I believe with my whole heart that if you really made up your mind to be as happy as possible, then that would make you so much more pleasant to be around. I know you are trying not to show how you are feeling, but she knows. You've got to do the work on the inside of you in order for it to shine through.

Sorry for having to use so many 2x4's on you. I have not wanted to do that b/c I didn't want you to be even more depressed than you were. But I have had to live with depression my entire adult life and I can choose to get the medication I need to help me and I can choose to train my brain to have the right thought patterns....or I can wallow in self pity. To say that we just want the bad stuff to end is the same as saying that we wish we were children again b/c we don't like the hard stuff. To place the responsibility of making us happy on some other person is too selfish and lazy. That is saying that we want the easy way out b/c we don't want to work to do it ourselves.

In my POV, you have done the hardest part already. I heard it said that we never stand still b/c we are either going forward or backward in our growth. Please, please do not waste that hard work you did and let yourself start sliding backward into some kind of back pit of misery.