WAS seeing reality?

[futureunknown]

Hope your date went well v1olin. I felt odd at first dating when I still considered myself married, but after a while I realized there are levels of dating. As long as I know where I am emotionally, I found I could have a great time dating, but keeping it light. If I meet someone I really click with, THEN I'll need to start seriously thinking about where I want to go with it. Until then, it's just being social, meeting new people, and having fun. Nothing wrong with that at all. In my case, my W has been having a PA with OM, so I have a hard time feeling guilty!

[v1olin]

Future, that is the funny thing...I never said I was going on a date tonite but I gladly used what my daughter said to my advantage! My wife called 10 minutes after I left and I was just toooo busy to answer it:) I listened to the voicemail after I had eaten dinner(alone)and it was related to our girls so I responded with a text. The date is not until saturday and the woman already knows what my story is. So yeah, it will be nice and light. My wife may not have had a PA but she did write that she WANTED too with him. I dont feel to bad about dating at all.

[v1olin]

The date never happened:( The couple I was double dating with had to cancel. But a girl gave me her number earlier that day. I never called though, caught me off guard.


Got a freaking bill from my lawyer today... they managed to spend 1300 bucks in August preparing for the mediation that got canceled. I am in big financial trouble right now and I may have to get a second job.


My wife has shown a few glimmers but nothing really.

[v1olin]

I have come to a point in this sitch that I want to have zero interaction with my wife for a while. Does anyone have any tips on doing this when kids are involved?


Right now I pick up the kids every night and have them at their moms house when wife gets home. I want to leave early but then I feel like my kids are getting screwed over. I am thinking about taking my kids to my apartment every night but then I will have to provide food for them. Money is VERY tight.



As far as dropping the rope goes... I think I am doing pretty well. I told her to take my name off of the utilities at the house and she seemed suprised. She asked, "why? Am I in trouble or something?" I thought that was a funny response.


I told her one night before I left that we needed to talk. That was the same thing that she told me pre-bomb. The look on her face was priceless but also very sad to see. She asked if I wanted her to call me and I said "no, I am going to eat dinner and then I will call you." You guessed it, she called me 15 minutes later while I was eating. I had to ignore it. I called her about an hour later and I told her that my reason for the talk was that I would be moving some furiture out of the house and into my apartment. She seemed so releived that she kept asking me what else I needed or wanted from the house. I then asked her when are we going to mediation and she told me that her lawyer requested some dates in october but my lawyer has not responded yet. So I guess that is not happening this month. At this rate we will still be married at Christmas!

[futureunknown]

Hi v1olin-

My W and I have been talking, and we will soon decide whether we're going to try to save our M. If she decides no, then I'll be in a similar boat with you. I will want to cut off entirely, just so I can grieve and move on with my life.

The kid transitions are the hard part, aren't they? Do you have any family in the area that could act as transitions buffers? My W's mother lives near us, and she could do that if I really need it. Otherwise, just keep any talk with your W to that of the business of raising your kids. No chit chat about your lives, or even about the kids. Just dates, times, etc. My biggest hurdle to do that will be the kids themselves. They will pick up on Mommy and Daddy not talking anymore, and they will ask about it. They will also do their best to bring us together. They're very sneaky about it!

I don't quite understand why your W isn't giving you child support if you're taking care of the kids. Doesn't have to be a lot right now, but enough so you can feed them! What are the laws in your state?

I feel your pain about the legal costs. My W and I just decided to delay our separation until next year because of the expense, or at least that's the excuse we gave the mediator. In reality, we're not sure we want a D, so we're tiring of spending the money on what might be a big waste.

[v1olin]

Hi Future, things sound like they are getting more positive for you! That is great! How have you been handling your kid transitions and other interactions with your wife? If she tried small talk did you just say "thats nice" and boot her out the door or what?


As far as the legal stuff goes we seem to be in limbo right now. My lawyer talked about getting some immediate money out of my wife months ago but it never went anywhere? Everytime my w pushes to set up a mediation the lawyers rack up 1200 just talking to each other. AND to top it off my wife borrowed 5k from her wealthy father to fund HER divorce. I wonder if she told him that she is chasing a married man?



Dont get me wrong, when we are near each other we are nice to each other. I keep things short but I do it with style and confidence. I think she might be wondering what is going on with me but she has not asked ONCE where I am going or who with. Man, she is good at this game!



She does not act like she misses me one bit...and she probably does not at all. I dont miss her so much anymore either. I think I could go a year without missing her at this point.

[v1olin]

Maybe something positive happened on saturday?

Our D7's fall festival was yesterday. I wanted to take her but this was my wifes weekend with the girls. So, I was sitting at work and I got a call from w. She asked if I was coming to the festival.

Me- I was going to go but it is your weekend

wife- well, D7 said you were going to go.

wife- I mean, if you have other plans that ok.

Me- well, what time are you going?

wife- 5pm

Me- ok, I guess I just need to know where to meet.

wife- we can meet at the school or the house.

Me- the school might be low on parking space, I will meet
you at the house at 4:30.


wife- ok.



So I get to the house smelling great, shaven, and looking great. I ask wife, "how long are we going to stay there?" She says, "do you have other plans?" I said, "yes, I am meeting someone for dinner at 8pm." I offered to drive seperate for that reason and she did not take the offer when she could have. So we all drove to the festival in one car. It has been 7 months since that has happened.



We got to the festival and I immediately started showing off my newfound social skills. Funny thing is, I was not doing it for her. This is the new me. When we entered the building I held the door open for her and our daughters and for many othere people throught the corse of the night. When people asked, "how are you" I said, "great! how are you?" When there was an opportunity to talk, help, or listen to othere people I took it. Wife stayed near me the whole time wich I thought was interesting to say the least. I had already imagined that she would take any opportunity to talk to other guys. I know I know, I should not make predictions:) Now comes the more interseting part. We were going to all go on the hayride but we ran out of tickets. Wife said it was ok and not but more tickets. Normally I would have said ok but I made a 180 and said I would be right back because I was going to get more tickets. We went outside for the hayride and wife strted to mention being cold. We got on the wagon and she was actually starting to chatter her teeth so I took off my coat and put it over her shoulders while she had D2 in her lap. She said thank you and I said no problem. I then introduced myself to one of the other dads accross from us and started a nice convo. When the hayride was over a woman dropped all of her candy and prizes on the wagon as she was leaving so I stopped to help pick them up for her. As wife,D7,D2 and I walked off the wagon wife was holding my coat accross her arm and still looked very cold. I told her, "put that coat back on if you are cold." So she put it on and kept it on for the next hour. We had many nice points of conversation and parental moments for that hour and then we had to go home. Wife thanked me for the hayride and I said your all welcome.



We all got back in the car and drove to the house. When we got in the house wife said, "that was a lot of fun, i had a good time." "Did you?" she asked. "Yes, they put a ton of work into that festival!" I said. Then she asked if I was going "somewhere good" for dinner and I said, "yes" We said bye and I left the house. She said "have fun" when I left.



Turns out it was the night of my first ever double date and that was where I was headed. This woman is really not my type though wich may be a good thing?

[C-Bart]

This all sounds positive. One question. Where/how did your acquire the new found social skills?

[futureunknown]

v1olin-

Sounds perfect, but don't think just one interaction is going to do the trick. That is just the start, but it's a great start. Get a bunch more interactions like that under your belt, and she might start to think twice about throwing your M away. Particularly when kids are involved, I don't think the WAW truly realizes how much they emotionally are connected to the father of their kids, until they are faced with the potential loss of that connection. Kids bind two people together in a very strong and special way.

I love that you had to call it short because you had a date! Don't think she wasn't thinking about that, even if she acted like she didn't care. NO ONE likes being second choice, ever. I have a fairly close female friend, absolutely a friend, nothing has ever happened between us, but since my W and I separated, we do go out to have fun once in a while, just the two of us. Even her, who I have no romantic interest in at all, if she tells me "I can't hang with you tonight I have a date" I'll ask who it is and give her props and wish her luck, completely sincerely, but a little thing inside is just a tiny bit put off that she'd rather go out with him than hang with me.

The coat thing was classy, but that's a tough one. She could have felt that as pursuing, but it depends how you did it. If you were very casual about it, I think that's good, and it sounds like you were.

I also like how you showed your new outgoing personality. Wow, you and I were so similar that way. I was previously quite introverted. I wouldn't call myself an extrovert now, but I'm so much more friendly and warm to other people. My W has noted that as well. There are some things that are inherently attractive, dressing well, being outgoing, friendly, warm, generous, all good stuff. Keep showing her that with every opportunity, without seeming obvious, just matter of fact like "this is me now".

V1olin, if you get more chances to show your W this new you, it won't be long until she starts calling a little more often. You'll notice she won't like being away from you for too long at a stretch. She'll start to want to get a "fix" of you more and more often.

All the situations here differ in one way or another, but yours and mine sound so similar, but I'm about six or eight months ahead of you, and things continue to look good for me. Hang in there!

[v1olin]

One word for the new social skills...DB'ing!! I kept faking it and faking it over the last 6 months and now I look back with disgust at how I used to be. I decided that even if my wife and I never get back together why would ANYONE want to be with the guy I was? I was weak, shy, heavily introverted and also cynical towards the world in general. I felt like I was always getting a raw deal and everyone was out to get me. I could also be funny at the same time but my jokes began to only annoy my wife. So, she found/finds herself attracted to another man and I am begining to understand her. I DO NOT condone her behaviour but I can see why she thought she had no other choice.