Hope- Thanks for posting to me. I wondered what you would have to say. Ok, so both sexes can handle not having sex when it gets "past the point".
Thanks for supporting me staying with my H. I really appreciate it.
I see what you are saying about keeping secrets and how that can keep us away from emotionally connecting. I'm going to think on that some more......there's a part that thinks I should due to the reasons you and Pup give and the fact that it would really help getting it off of my shoulders, but there's another part that thinks it is unselfish of me to not tell him and I want to do that for him. Your questions were all good ones, ones that run through my head. Yes, the lack of desire could DEFINITELY be that I'm afraid that if I ML with him it will not compare to what it was like with OM and I'll feel disappointed.....but yet, I know I can't compare because one was a fantasy like relationship and one is the real thing...plus, I wasn't the same with the OM as I am with my H. I was like a different person...I'm not sure if it was my authentic self (as oldtimer describes sometimes) but it was a different self.
I like the way you gave to tell him. Again, I WILL think more on it. Maybe I could say it in counseling where there would be someone there that could help him with his feelings? I dont know.
Pup- I'm going to think more about what you said. I do understand what you are saying about wanting her to be truthful.
Kettrickson- THanks for posting. I only read the very first few pages last night of the PM book. It is not an easy read and I found myself reading things over and over to really understand them and get something out of them. What you said about how it feels for the first time.....that makes sense to me. I'll try to not be afraid.
Well, I'm reading the book....VERY good...Pup, you should read it. I'm thinking we will need counseling as well, but I am going to get through the book first. H is reading some other book as well (taking notes, too, which I find is wierd, but whatever).
I think that is normal. Just times when you each may get on each others nerves. Just be aware that this is a difficult time for you and don't put yourself in any opportunistic situations. You will get through this.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I normally just lurk but I felt compelled to respond.
I am in your husband's position now and I can certainly understand why things are where they are with the two of you...
A year is a long time to wait, but you have to understand how your husband feels about this affair...
He feels violated, his marriage has been raped by a sub-human greaseball...
He will be feeling similar effects to a victim of actual physical rape...both acts are terrible violations of something deeply intimate - your marriage and your sexuality...
YOUR criticism and dissatisfaction with even how he kisses is going to affect his initiative and recovery...but here you are complaining...
First he gets his marriage raped and now his wife is feeling that He is somehow INADEQUATE as well.
The problem isn't him right now, its YOu and somthing YOU need to work on. YOU need to find a way to be satisfied with what your husband has to offer right now.
Imagine some husband who's WIFE was raped and that husband posting in frustration because his wife doesn't want to have sex with him..woudln't that guy be a bit of a pig?
I understand this is an important part of your life. However THIS is the PRICE you pay for having an AFFAIR...
MOST people have NO IDEA how much DAMAGE and how high the PRICE is when they start cheating...
If when an affair is about to begin some woman magically showed up with a HUGE LIST showing all the things this person will lose when they cross this line I think the rate of affairs would drop tremendously...
People cheat because
a. They think they can get away with it b. They don't adequately assess the LONG TERM DAMAGE
NOW you KNOW...well...its costing you isn't it? Every time you go to bed at night and want to be intimate and your husband isnt' interested guess what...TICK OFF ONE TIME YOU HAD SEX with your AFFAIR PARTNER and your HUSBAND WAS LEFT OUT OF THE LOOP.
I bet you have had more sex with yoru affair partner than the number of times your husband turned you down...
How many times did YOUR HUSBAND GO WITHOUT SEX ...so YOU could have SEX behind his BACK?
Seroiusly...I care for you, but I can't sympathise here...I went for over two yars without sex while my WIFE was off having sex with SOME CREEP...if she has any frustration with MY lack of interest I have no sympathy there either.
The simple answer is...if you want sex with your affair partner, you will LOSE OUT ON SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE...for a VERY LONG TIME
Yup, it hurts...but this is the price you pay for having an affair...own it...
You can be proud you ended it and go to sleep enjoying the knowledge you have made the better choice for yourself and your family...and I am afraid you are going to have to let that warm you for a while.
Your husband loves you and wants you, but every time he thinks of YOU sexually imags of the OM show up and BANG..he has NO interest...and won't until those images go away...
They DO fade over time...but you can't force him to hurry...you can HELP him, but its his choice...again this is what YOU WANTED. YOU WANTED a soiled marriage and a violated relationship that your husband will take years to recover from.
This is your bed I am afraid...
As for the OM calling you...I want to know why he still has your number.
1. Send him an e-mail telling him to NEVER CALL YOU OR CONTACT YOU EVER AGAIN. TELL HIM IF HE DOES...you will go to his PLACE OF WORK AND HUMILIATE HIM IN PUBLIC and tell him to stop stalking you in front of all his co-workers
That's what he's doing...stalking...
2. Change your phone number and other contact info that he may have...change it even if you don't think he knows it.
3. Tell your husband why you are changing it...tell him you want to erase him from your home completely. Help your husband start fresh and new...don't leave the OM linger around your home like this...if he knows the phone number -- CHANGE IT
4. Don't tell your husband this guy is three blocks away. UNLESS there's a chance he may find out. If there is ANY CHANCE your husband may learn this its best he learns from YOU.
REASSURE your husband you are NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR that place and that this OM disgusts you at the mere sight of him.
Yes I understand he will be upset..but if he's going to find out...then its best that he hears from you. The LAST thing you want is for your husband to see the OM near your home without any warning...it will set you back a VERY LONG TIME..he may even suspect you are cheating again...and you will have to prove to your husband the guy IS working nearby and it has nothing to do with you...do you want to heave to deal with that??? Likley not...so TELL HIM BEFORE it gets there.
If you are SURE you can hide this then go for it..but I can't imagine you can hide this for long...espcially when this jerk is calling your phone...
Go to this OM and tell HIM to STOP STALKING you and tell him outright in EARSHOT of his co workers that you want him to stop stalking you...make sure he realizes HE WILL BE HUMILIATED if he calls you or tries to contact you again.
He isn't convinced you are repulsed by him...and to be honest neither am i...and if the OM thinks there's a chance, and I think you still fantasize about this jerk then how can you expect YOUR HUSBAND to want to have sex with you?
The OM is not dead, so your sex life is giong to be on hold until that happens...metaphorically at the very least this OM must DIE...and I don't get the feeling he's entirely dead
At the very least change your darn phone number...
Hi whatdidido. I would like to apologize for my abrumpt earlier post. i stand by what I said, I just think if I had more time I could have said it with more care...
You have done a tremendous thing in ending your affair..many people don't...and they do pay dearly for it trust me. I was reading on the DrPhil website ... He claims that the success rate for long term relationships of affair couples (couples who cheat, abandon the spouse, and run off together ) is LESS than ONE PERCENT!!!
So of ALL the people who cheat and run off with their affair partner...more than 99 percent of those affairs do NOT pan out long term...
If anyone needs a big red light that's a gift right there to let you know it was a good idea.
Seriously...if this guy is calling you NOW...he's still sexually exploiting you...
If you are going to fantasize, make it someone unreachable who could at least in your fantasy be WORTHY...this GUY is a CREEP!!!
He's calling you ..I know he just "said" he wanted to know how you were or whatever..but what he is PRODDING FOR..is information on how vulnerable you are to start up again...
He would NOT have called to find out how you are...he would know that would do more DAMAGE ...he CLEARLY does NOT care about your marriage or he would not have tried to contact you again...
DONT FALL FOR HIS BS about moving on..he clearly hasn't...and he wanted YOU to know that he hasnt and he wants to know if YOU still are SEXUALLY EXPLOITABLE...he is testing for weakness in you..
HE IS A SEXUAL PREDATOR
And he belongs in JAIL.
Stay away from this creep...do you want your SON near someone like this? Seriously?
Men and women who sexually exploit people in vulnerable marriages are like only a couple steps up from child molesters and rapists...its akin in my mind to date rape or taking advantage of someone who's very drunk...its disghusting..
I really think you need to try to get this into your head how sleazy he's been..and even STILL is...the signals are there...
Do you know how many times I have seen the phrase "He's back" or "She's back" in the subject line on this forum?
It's offensive to say the least...this guy doss NOT CARE about you..he enjoyed how much exploiting your vulnerability boosted HIS EGO...but YOURS AND your HUSBAND's ego's take a beating in order for him to feel so sure of himself...
Get a court order to have him keep away from you and your family...and change ALL your contact info so he knows you dont want to be contacted...
When he calls and finds out the number is still good what kind of message do you think that sends to him???
That he disgusts you and you can't stand to be near that again?
Hardly...it tells him you are still thinking of him and still want to keep lines of contact open for him...
Please don't make me see "He's back" here again..it kills me every time I see that here...
