Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[CABBR]

You could be describing what our household was like. It lasted like that for a couple of months -- some days better than others -- and then it got a little more comfortable, mostly just because we both got skilled at scheduling our days to avoid each other, and at dealing with each other without any angry outbursts.

Thankfully, we busted her affair in under three months. Some take much longer.

What you describe is EXACTLY why I'm such a strong proponent of trying to bust affairs as fast as possible, rather than the "Little Bo-Peep" approach (you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them"). Every month an affair continues, is another month of the kind of turmoil for the betrayed spouse that you describe above, not to mention the financial and even medical risks that continue.

Puppy

E-man, PDT is spot on with this. He advocated exposing the EA in my sitch and I was glad I had firewalled the finances. Because once the EA exposure bomb detonated my W was like "a witch doused with holy water" (from PDT) and the entitlement beast really started to rear its head.

While it hastened my W's decision to file, it also KILLED the EA dead in its tracks plus I was financially protected in the interim. In my sitch, my W used the exposure as justification to file, which, if you think about it, is just irrational.

CABBR

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks, Cabbr. I guess I never knew that.

Puppy

[GH31]

Etrain,

Good to see you here.

All of the stuff your wife is doing is script, entirely what we would expect her to be doing.

Like all adulterous wives, she is just about 100% predictable and this is why you need to secure your money. My W and I had a joint credit card and she used it to buy shirts for OM. She lied to me saying she had bought a pair of pants for herself and couldn't produce them when I asked her to. After that purchase I scrubbed her name off the account.

My W also lied through her teeth to me over just about everything. One night (recently) I couldn't find my mobile phone so I asked her if she had it. She said "No I don't, where did you leave it?" and I replied "next to the bed". I didn't believe her so I rang my cellphone from the landline and it rang - it was under the pillow in the spare room where she sleeps. She wanted to get OM's new number from it because he changed it so that she couldn't ring him. She knew I had his new GF's number as well. Fortunately I had deleted the numbers by the time she got to the phone.

A few days later she asked me with a straight face "GH31, I need you to give me OM's number, just in case...". I called her every vile name in the book like parasite, skank, whore, cockroach etc and I absolutely meant it.

You wife will do this do if conditions exist which allow it, so secure your money.

Expect more very deranged and sick behaviour. It won't stop until the affair is well and truly over Etrain.

And, now that you have exposed it to OMW it will end sooner than you think.

take care son

GH31

[ClingingToHope]

I stand by my earlier advice. I've set up a second bank account for my rent money. She's off the credit cards I use. I just didn't close the joint because I'm transferring money from one joint checking to another.

Maybe I'm lazy. I've got a bunch of stuff tied to the account and I don't want to go through the hassle of redoing everything.

In my case, though, I'm not battling an OM. Her love is for her job. It comes before everything else, family, friends, etc.

My point wasn't to stand up and make a grand announcement that I don't trust you any more. Why add fuel to the fire?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

In my case, though, I'm not battling an OM.

Then that would change my advice entirely.

Puppy

[etrain]

Thanks for all the opinions on this. W already noticed that I changed my password for our online banking & she asked me about it this morning. I deflected her question but the bank acct converstaion will most likely occur tonight.
W also noticed that I had the checkbook yesterday, which NEVER happens. She had to ask me for it so she could write out some bills.
Between the checkbook & the password, she must realize something's up.

[etrain]

W pestering me for our online banking password right now.

[Ready2Change]

W pestering me for our online banking password right now.

DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks for all the opinions on this. W already noticed that I changed my password for our online banking & she asked me about it this morning. I deflected her question . . .

Etrain,

Do you remember when I told you this?

Once you've made all the financial moves, I suggest you calmly tell your wife. You don't want to appear to be "keeping secrets" like she is, and it's The Right Thing to Do.

Are there some other moves you still need to make today or something? If not, why are you avoiding telling her? I wanted you to do this PROACTIVELY, from a calm position of confidence that you were DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Did I miss something?

Puppy

[etrain]

Thanks for all the opinions on this. W already noticed that I changed my password for our online banking & she asked me about it this morning. I deflected her question . . .

Etrain,

Do you remember when I told you this?

Once you've made all the financial moves, I suggest you calmly tell your wife. You don't want to appear to be "keeping secrets" like she is, and it's The Right Thing to Do.

Are there some other moves you still need to make today or something? If not, why are you avoiding telling her? I wanted you to do this PROACTIVELY, from a calm position of confidence that you were DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Did I miss something?

Puppy

I haven't transferred any funds yet. And I didn't want to discuss it w/ W last night because I couldn't afford to be stressed out at work today. I'm SO behind.
I planned on discussing it w/ her tonight...along with our cell phone account password & a few other things.

Gotta leave for MC now...Actually, I guess it's IC, since I'm the only one going. I'll try to update tonight.