I have read plenty of compassionate validating from Thinker. He has been doing The Work. Mrs. Thinker has not.
What if "Mrs. Thinker" doesnt want to do any work? Does she even have to? Just because Thinker likes to post on this site doesnt necessarily make his wife accountable to have to work on their marriage. He can be compassionate and validate all he wants but at some point it has gone on too long; And I am not sure it matters whose the victim or who is at fault any longer.
There is an old saying that is usable in this situation. It goes "$hit or get off the pot."
This situation has been going on for what, almost two years. "The Work" hasnt worked. Mrs. Thinker could just be through, fed up, sick of watching Thinker flunk out at trying to figure her out. 11 months with no change. Hate to tell you this, she aint never gonna change.
but all that is restating the obvious. Thinker asked,
Quote:
LET HER GO... LET HER GO.
except...
I don't really know what that means.
there is a section in Michelle's book, Self-limiting belief #2: "How can a minor thing like developing a hobby help me when my problems are major?"
She asks a series of questions, think about that section and qustions for a while. take the focus off of your wife, your marriage and doing The Work. and you should begin to understand.
Greek if has been showing her compassion its what thinker thinks she needs and not what she askes for. Compassion on his terms is not compassion she wants or needs
JJ
This is not accurate, sorry JJ. Read the part of his thread where he left his comfort zone entirely and interceded on her behalf with his parents b/c she expressed and he understood it was a wound that needed dressing. This is one of many initiatives he has taken compassionately where there had been no compassion before.
Thinker, do not get off the good track you were on - awareness, positive change ~~~ for both you and your M. One super angry, lost your cool moment should not define you or the direction you take at this point. Don't over-correct based on one misstep.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I'm not going to get into a pissing match with you, Gucci. There is a difference between one incident of "abuse" and a pattern of "abusIVE" (the word I used) behavior.
Thinker knows he was way the hell out of line. Finis. It scared him, and it damned well should have. But one incident doesn't define the dynamic of the whole relationship, nor should he fixate on that when deciding what to do going forward, other than remaining *quite humbly aware* of the power of emotion and the potential of EVERY human for violence under the influence.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Agreed! (Edited: Agreeing With Gucci - took a while for this to get posted and some other posts came in the meantime)
The minute I grabbed her arm against her will, I crossed the line and it became abuse.
First time. Last time. Never again.
There are no excuses.
It was wrong.
I take full responsibility for correcting the situation, and ensuring it doesn't happen ever again in ANY R that I am in.
-
I think the distinction the people who have been following for a while are making is that this is not a long term abusive R.
I would actually characterize the long term R (since early in the M) as NEGLECT. No abuse, no control - I just wasn't there. I was working and she was on her own.
Control appeared much more recently - In the past year I shifted my focus from work to my R. My control issues came with it. I've been working on resolving my issue with releasing control for the past 5 months or so. It has taken a while to see it for really what it is and how damaging it is.
Anger is new - probably already there deep within, but only recently coming to the surface. Due to it's nature, however, this one has to go away NOW.
Last edited by Thinker; 10/16/0906:42 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
The minute I grabbed her arm against her will, I crossed the line and it became abuse.
First time. Last time. Never again.
There are no excuses.
It was wrong.
GOOD MAN...
I will now drop it regarding that issue with you...
However...
I wish you would listen to me and stop this nonsense of "hanging in there"....
Thinker.. THAT hasn't worked. Sorry. It hasn't worked. Stop doing what isn't working.. You have been hanging in there and trying anything and everything EXCEPT.......
BE the aggresor on moving forward with her moving out...
Get a change in attitude.
NEW ATTITUDE...
"I have been doing some thinking.. Here is what I have decided...
I AM NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE.. I have decided that I want you to move out. The sooner the better. I will NOT live this way anymore. I will give you until (short but resonable time frame) to find a place and move."
AND then FOLLOW through on this new attitude....
It works far better than what you have been doing. I can give you COUNTLESS examples of men that have failed with your methods and COUNTLESS examples of men that feel SO much better when THEY take the bull by the horns and say.. ENOUGH..
Channel your anger in that direction. She will respect your anger when it is directed more toward the approach of "You are damn right I am angry. I am so angry that it is OVER between us. Now hurry up and find a place and let's split things up and move on with our lives. The sooner the better"
THAT is the attitude that wakes them up and can turn things around....
A truce has been declared. Now is not a good time to start arguing about who needs to leave the house. Neither of them is having an affair. So there is no "guilty party" here. It would just start another war to insist that the house is his and she has to move.
Hate to say it, but it's time to get back to not rocking the boat.
