Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Hi Grace O,
Most of my notes in the past have been 'lovey dovey'...but we have 21 years + of history so not sure what H makes of them.

H did see me writing last night in a journal(mine) and paused and said "You're not writing to me in the notebook are you?"- the notebook writing our therapist had suggested when conversations got too heated..and he was relieved to find out I wasn't.

Lunch was Ok today(we usually meet at home). Tonight is D14's 14th birthday so hopefully that will be a good distraction for all.

[kjensen]

Update:
D14 had two guy-friends over to make smores outside and just hang. It actually felt like we were a normal family. H is now becoming obsessed with Farmville on FB..so we were playing with that while the kids hung out.

Thursday was calm and OK too. I couldn't believe I had two good days in a row! I mentionned that I was planning a date for us for Friday night. H didn't seem too excited-not sure what he's thinking/dreading. I'm planning something low-key and retro...Laser Beatles or Pink Floyd at the Univercity of Colorado planetarium..

This morning our bulimic cat threw up and this always pisses H off...so he left for work quickly(before he really needed to) without even saying goodbye to the girls. Hope the day improves before "the date"...

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Sounds like hairballs? The cat, not hubby. ;-)

[Grace_O]

Farmville huh? I haven't played any of the games on FB yet (never enough time <sigh>). I'm glad you two found something to hang out and do together.

Your date sounds fun, is that something the two of you used to do or soemthing new?

A puking cat pisses him off? Maybe he does have hairballs...

[kjensen]

Alas the cat doesn't have hairballs and is truly bulimic..he scarfs down his food then barfs it up...the vet hasn't come up with a solution...

The weird thing is that H used to be 'OK' with the cats we've had over the years. Even let them sleep on top of him. But since MLC, H has focused on how he hates cats and would be happier without one..he's always nudging the cat away when it comes to rub against him..the poor cat seems to be the focus of alot of H's anger...

I've given away a cat in the past b/c it didn't get along with our first baby- the baby freaked him out..but I'm not giving away this cat. The girls love him and he's pretty awesome (except for the bulimia).

The laser Beatles/PF isn't something I've ever done with H( I did go with a high school boyfriend and thought it was cool in high school :-))..so we'll see. Something different. We both love music so I thought at least that part would be neat.

The Farmville thing is more H's...fills his boredom. I'm just along for the ride. His HS friend he had lunch with a few weeks ago is one of his neighbors on the farm...as are H's niece's and aunt and a mutual friend of ours. Kind of harmless, time-wasting...

[kjensen]

Update:
Our date never happened. We took D14 to Red Lobster for dinner Friday night and H was distant and didn't look very comfortable..kept yawning. I acted "as if" and stayed upbeat. When we got home H asked me to tell him what our date was going to be..he wasn't sure he felt up to going out as he felt like he was getting sick.

I asked H to guess what the date was and he guessed a comedy club(this is where he and OW went on one of their early dates) and I told him he guessed wrong and told him about the laser/music show at the University. H was impressed and surprised and thought it sounded cool.

We didn't go, b/c H felt like he was getting sick. I did have a private meltdown( and H never knew) as I was extremely disappointed that in the last 3 weeks, things have come up or excuses made so that we have had a total of ZERO dates and were supposed to have one a week.

I'm wondering if H is going through withdrawal. H doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning(usually he was first out of bed)and says he feels like just staying in bed all day. He's been leaving for work without saying goodbye to the girls. He just left for his 4 day business trip this morning and didn't see D14 since Saturday morning and never popped in her room to say goodbye. He seems to be "internalized" alot.

I have to say, I'm looking forward to a few days away from H. Feel a bit of freedom from is moods/depression. Have planned a fun day with the girls going to a pumpkin patch(and taking lots of pictures) and shopping/lunch.

Lately I've imagined my life divorced from H and I know I'd be OK. I think I've started to imagine this b/c living with a depressed person is difficult and since H seems to be withdrawing my insecurities are very apparent to me. The worry he's withdrawing b/c he's planning to leave again is my fear I'm trying to squelch. So far, so good. I'm not doing my usual-clinging. In fact I feel like I'm detaching emotionally more frequently and that feels like a big improvement for me.

[forward]

FYI--flu is rampant where I live, and it starts with fatigue. So it might be for real.

[kjensen]

H doesn't seem to have the flu. He often feels like he's getting sick and he probably truly feels that way, but often its his depression coming through his physical symptoms. I went to a great lecture today about the mind-body connection.

H is still in Florida. He says he feels better-just tired. No other symptoms, he is dealing with a 2 hour time change.. I've let H initiate all contact while away and he's called and texted every day. I don't think he's having much fun on this trip but I am enjoying the time away. I feel more confident that H does drop another bomb I will be OK. I hope he doesn't (drop another bomb) but I'm not afraid.

[Grace_O]

You sound pretty good today.

A breather can really help.

I'm ready for one....

[kjensen]

Thanks Grace. I still have my moments of wacky insecurity. H starts texting me then stops and I don't hear from him for hours-kind of weird..