Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Worry---Fear---anger----Control

I see the cycle. It makes sense. In fact, I can see myself in it at times in the past. We probably all can to one extent or another.

For me, "Control" meant becoming bossy, or critical, or stubborn -- all in attempt to control my spouses behavior so that she would do what I wanted her to do. Very occasionally it could escalate into short bursts of angry name calling All wrong. All unhealthy.

I know my W would use the word "controlling". I don't think she would ever have said "abusive". I have always been more likely to intellectually browbeat someone than to get physically rough.

And, in fact, I have been pretty successful at getting rid of the bossy, critical, stubborn parts, angry over the past year.

And then over the past couple of weeks I suffered a major victim puke. I switched over to seeing myself as a victim again, and got gradually angrier.

This past Monday morning, then, as it came to a head was the first and only time I have been so angry that I was acting irrationally - not just thinking irrationally, but acting irrationally.

It was the first time in any way I ever used physical force on my wife.

It is also the last.

No one was physically hurt, but it REALLY scared us BOTH.

Whatever it takes, that is NEVER going to happen again.