Yes, it probably is a test. But not to be vengeful. To test how you feel about your R, about your H. And, from the looks of things, you, your R, your H, your M are coming through with flying colors! I always ask myself, okay, what should I be learning here? And you are learning trust for your H, and that goes a long ways toward rebuilding your M. Laurie told me that the better things get, the more you will be tested. I do believe in satan, and he does not want your marriage to be restored... so, when all of this crap is thrown at you, and you overcome it, know that it is one more step toward a wonderful, fulfilling M with your Wolfie.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Perhaps it's just that these things keep coming up because it's growing pains. You did have a great conversation as a result of it. I know that's no very comforting, but hope it helps some.
Hi Tal, I don't think I ever posted to you before, but I was reading your thread and man, did it hit home. I just had to write you. How long was you H in an A with this woman? My H too has told me repeatedly that he has broken contact with the OW and later admits he has talked to her sometimes. Since we have been back together this time (he has not moved back home,but we are definately back together) he SWEARS he has not had ANY contact with her. It is eating at me Tal. My friend has a way to get his cell bills. She got her H's and has found out all kinds of things. I need to know. It is so hard to trust them at all when they just keep lying to us! I suspect because I cannot imagine her (OW)not contacting him after all the time they have been talking. He had a long term A with her and supposedly has not slept with her for a long time but has talked to her and had lunch with her one time that he told me of. Why do they lie like this??? What are they doing talking to them if it's us they want to be with? I think they want to cut the contact off but there might be some kind of addiction there. I don't think it's worth ending the R over, but somehow, someway they HAVE to stop talking to this person. You will have to confront him of course. You can't keep something like this inside. I suggest waiting unti you have seriously thought about the right way to go about it and then ask for what you need. He will feel plenty guilty for lying to you I'm sure. I don't get it Kal, but its obvious they want us. Why they can't let comepletely go of the OW I have no idea. All I know is they have to for the M to work. Good luck-I know you'll do the right thing. Rachael
Rachael, I have no idea why your H would have contact, or lie about it, or not understand why it would be counter-productive to working on your M. Other folks here gave me some very good possible explinations why that could be.
I'm alone in the office today and having a little tear-fest. I seem to be able to hold things together during a crisis, then fall apart later when I'm alone and it's safe . So much emotion to deal with and so much frustration and uncertainty.
On one hand I feel it's apparent that he's had a big cold glass of ice water in the face that made him really examine what his priorities are and what is important and what he was willing to do to keep his family. He seems to have opened his eyes to really appreciate his home and family since coming so close to losing everything.
I do see him trying very hard in many ways everyday, even when I wish he'd communicate more. In a lot of ways, the way things are now is better than I have dared to hope. Not only do I have my mate back and acting like his old self again, but he's done a lot of growing and learning and is making a big effort to be a better partner to me.
I will never know--beyond a shadow of a doubt--if he is still talking to XOW. Besides, there's certainly many more of her "kind" around. He works in a profession with mostly women. He works nights so there are many times when I don't see him for days or know for sure where he is.
I could literally drive myself insane if I let insecurity and mistrust run amok.
When it really comes down to the bottom line: if he betrays me again, then he's an idiot who doesn't deserve me. Even if he does and I never find out--I believe that the spirits will torment him, and he will have to answer to the Creator.
There are some of us lucky enough to be brought together with our spiritual partner in this world. As I have been told by my Elders, being mated with a spiritual partner is an amazing thing, but not always so easy. It sure ain't all warm and fuzzy all of the time. I'm told that sometimes those relationships are the hardest to be in, because you learn the really HARD spiritual lessons you need to have through each other. If you are fortunate and work really hard, you can heal in the ways you need to heal through that person also.
I don't think he really understood what that was all about until I threw him out. He thought he would grieve the loss of the R, but didn't realize he would carry a part of my spirit around with him, and he had left behind a large part of him. He didn't realize that he would never again feel whole without me.
I know in my head that I really have no control over what he does or doesn't do. I have no control over the future. I can live in fear and paranoia for the rest of my life for no reason. Or--I can act as if everything will be fine instead of wasting my energy.
In know this in my head, now the hard part is to teach this to my heart.
So true....I am in a similar sitch and I drive myself crazy over this. I take it personally...just like I did the whole OW issue. I thought it was my fault. I wasn't good enough or I wasn't doing something right that made him want someone else and now when there is any contact I feel so insecure all over again. He tells me over and over that he loves me and there is no one else, but it is so hard to believe after all the lies. Truth be known....he wants me or he doesn't. I can't sit and agonize over whether he calls her or she calls him....it makes me seem less appealing to him when I do and drives him away. I just have to be me and hope that in the end he sees what and who are the ones there for him. That is all I can do....it is hard and heartbreaking sometimes, but I love him so much I am willing to go through that.
Tal, I understand what you mean when you say you know it in your head, but your heart is slow to except what the head knows. I saw your posts when you first found out about the cell bills. You had alot of anger at him. What dispelled that? Did you decide not to confront him? I guess I'm just not to the place where I can let go of the thoguhts of him lying to me. It's not the kind of R I want. I want to be able to trust him. I also love him so much I've taken the lies and believed him yet one more time. I am not prepared to leave him if he is lying, but I still think I need to know. It remains to be seen what I do with the information if its what I fear it is. Rachael
Well, RMC...I did confront him. I gave myself a day to think first. I reminded myself that there could be logical reasons for what I was seeing (including the cell-phone guy's theory that the calls showing were from last year but had not been paid off). I listened to everyone here and thought about how, even if H did talk to XOW, there could be explanations that did not necessarily mean continued infidelity. Going off in a rage at Wolfie, before having all of the information, would be counterproductive and I wouldn't want to be treated like that if I were in his place.
I treated him the way I would have wanted...I showed him what I had found. I asked for an explination. I told him how I felt about seeing those calls on the bill and where my wildest imagination could take me to. I told him that I was trying to take what he says at face-value, but that I really struggle sometimes.
I didn't beat him over the head and tried hard not to put him on the defensive. I was prepared to any explination he gave me. If I say I would rather have honesty (no matter what) than secrecey and lies, then I'd better walk the talk, right?
Yes, I my first reaction was to be shocked, and hurt and furious. I have learned a valuable lesson--to come here and vent and be a big old drama queen here if I need to rather than going off on Wolfie before I think things out.
I am also prepared, if I ever need to, to say "I love you with all of my heart and don't want to spend the rest of my life without you. If you continue to be unfaithful, I would rather be alone than be in a sick relationship, so leave".
Personally, I do love my partner, but I won't hide my head under the covers--to know that he's lying and/or betraying me again. I'm no martyr and I have too much self-respect to live my life like that.
It was, obviously, something he appreciated and kept things from blowing up or being blown out of proportion. I think staying calm made it safer for both of us to express ourselves.
I think I have always tried to do the calm and collected approach, but he even took that as an attack and would avoid discussing any problems. The more he would avoid, the more I'd get upset and turn up the volume.
I think that the major differece now is that he's not running away. He's got this new attitude that problems are "our problems" to figure out together. To tell you the truth--it's such a radical change that it takes me back everytime. I'm not used to it!
Ever get the sense that some folks aren't reading ALL of your posts, Tal???
You asked why these things keep happening, and I think PnT hit on it...what came to ME is that as a DIRECT RESULT of each of these horrible slaps in the face to you...come some of the BEST verbal communication between you and Wolfie.
....NOW...how to work on things so that you don't NEED such jarring jump-starts!!!
. So much emotion to deal with and so much frustration and uncertainty.
