I treated it like I was an alcoholic. This my problem and my wife has no ability to influence this positivly or negativly.
I accepted my problems. I'm an abuser, I'm controlling, I allow worry and fear to control me.
I'm responsible for this and no one else can make me, worry, fear, angry, or controlling.
Recognize your feelings and don't try to reason why they are happening. Don't look to explain away why someone else is making you feel a certain way. Allow yourself to feel the pain, the hurt. Allow your self to cry if you are sad. You are trying to stop the hurt stop the pain. You can't! You do that inside the cycle. Say it to yourself whenever your feelings are coming on Worry, fear, anger, control. Recognize where you are. Don't allow other people to control or direct you inside the cycle. Things get better and then they get worse in the relationship. The worry, fear anger and control sneaks up on us. Look back at your posts. You are already back inside the cycle. Thinker: "I'm more confused and afraid than angry right now." You are starting to compress the spring. You already know what happens when this starts you can't stop. But you can stop it, you can take control of yourself. You can't do it by Worring about your wife, Being afraid of what she's going to do, being angry about what she does and then controlling her by what you think she should be doing.
The big part about AA is turning things over to higher power.
I'm catholic so i decided to pray the Rosary every day, try to make holy our every week or the Stations of the cross. I turn whatever my wife says or does over to God instead of taking on her problems.
We talk alot on this forums about Respect from our spouses and how we arn't going to allow them to disrespect us. Because she can't Love you if she doesn't respect you. She can't Respect you until she can TRUST you. Only then can she Love and respect you again.
Validating her feelings is not taking on the responsibility for them or fixing them. If she is not Validating your feelings offer it over to God Don't allow her to compress the spring. She can't if you don't let her.
Remeber this verse "Husbands Love your wife like Christ Loved the Church." He laid down his life. He gave compassion to the church that it needed not that he wanted to give it. Father let this cup pass from me if it your will to do so.
Finally don't allow anyone tell you. You can't change. You can! Know where you are! Worry---> Fear----> Anger---->Control. This may be a very sobering and sorrowful experience. Allow your self to feel those things.
If you need to talk let me know. I just wanted to share this stuff so someone else may benefit from it.
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
