Rachael, I have no idea why your H would have contact, or lie about it, or not understand why it would be counter-productive to working on your M. Other folks here gave me some very good possible explinations why that could be.

I'm alone in the office today and having a little tear-fest. I seem to be able to hold things together during a crisis, then fall apart later when I'm alone and it's safe . So much emotion to deal with and so much frustration and uncertainty.

On one hand I feel it's apparent that he's had a big cold glass of ice water in the face that made him really examine what his priorities are and what is important and what he was willing to do to keep his family. He seems to have opened his eyes to really appreciate his home and family since coming so close to losing everything.

I do see him trying very hard in many ways everyday, even when I wish he'd communicate more. In a lot of ways, the way things are now is better than I have dared to hope. Not only do I have my mate back and acting like his old self again, but he's done a lot of growing and learning and is making a big effort to be a better partner to me.

I will never know--beyond a shadow of a doubt--if he is still talking to XOW. Besides, there's certainly many more of her "kind" around. He works in a profession with mostly women. He works nights so there are many times when I don't see him for days or know for sure where he is.

I could literally drive myself insane if I let insecurity and mistrust run amok.

When it really comes down to the bottom line: if he betrays me again, then he's an idiot who doesn't deserve me. Even if he does and I never find out--I believe that the spirits will torment him, and he will have to answer to the Creator.

There are some of us lucky enough to be brought together with our spiritual partner in this world. As I have been told by my Elders, being mated with a spiritual partner is an amazing thing, but not always so easy. It sure ain't all warm and fuzzy all of the time. I'm told that sometimes those relationships are the hardest to be in, because you learn the really HARD spiritual lessons you need to have through each other. If you are fortunate and work really hard, you can heal in the ways you need to heal through that person also.

I don't think he really understood what that was all about until I threw him out. He thought he would grieve the loss of the R, but didn't realize he would carry a part of my spirit around with him, and he had left behind a large part of him. He didn't realize that he would never again feel whole without me.

I know in my head that I really have no control over what he does or doesn't do. I have no control over the future. I can live in fear and paranoia for the rest of my life for no reason. Or--I can act as if everything will be fine instead of wasting my energy.

In know this in my head, now the hard part is to teach this to my heart.