Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

As an update.

I heard tonight that the people in my W's work (she works in a supermarket) now all know about her affair and the new boyfriend. She has been out of the house just over a month. I have been yet again overanalysing this to death but am trying hard to just accept it for what it is rather than trying to read her mind.

However for me this kind of sounds the death bell for our marriage. Not sure if anybody has brought their marriage back from this sort of situation or this far gone?

What I want to try is to allow me to use the pain, hurt and upset I feel to let me detach from her completely and stop the fear of losing her so that I can focus on me and not on her. I just find this the single most difficult thing to do though. I have half detached contact wise, but I still do things to see what her reaction is.

She still occupies almost all of my waking moments. It has only been one month since she left the house. I do tell myself this is natural after only this short amount of time and trying not to give myself a hard time about it as I have good days and bad ones.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

As an update.

However for me this kind of sounds the death bell for our marriage. Not sure if anybody has brought their marriage back from this sort of situation or this far gone?

A month separation in this situation is not much time at all. Take a look at the list of restored marriages in the "Piecing" forum, and you'll find stories of couples who have reconciled after a few years of separation.

What sounds the death knell for your marriage is up to you, and how long you are willing to "stand" to see if your W's A lasts and if she comes around....

The most important thing is to take care of yourself, and stop running yourself around in circles over her.

Read (and re-read!!) the section on "thought-stopping" in DR. And get involved in activities that will fill your time & take your thoughts & energy off of your W.

[sandi2]

In fact, if you got hit by a car and died, she'd feel relieved.

I want you to know something about me that I have never told another living soul. This quote above.....could have been said about me. I am so ashamed to know that this was actually in my heart at one time, and I would not admit it to myself....but I would find myself thinking that if my H died, then I could be free without any guilt....and could start a "new" life. Thank God nothing happened to my H. If it had....the guilt would have killed me just knowing that the thought had entered into my mind.

The difference between me and your W is that your W isn't waiting for anything to happen to take you out of this world-- in order for her to get a new life. Do you still want to be attached to a person who would do that to you? I don't know of very many hearts that could be any colder that that of a WAS.

I read a post a few days ago that just did something to me. I wanted to tear into the one who wrote it. He compared a WAW to a murderer. I was horrified and felt very defensive.....but then I read this quote and knew that I was guilty. It is a ugly thing to look deep into a heart that is that selfish!

I am so thankful for "grace" and for second chances. P17, you get out there and become the best man you can be! There is a lady who will appreciate your hard work improving. Focus on being a better man for your next R....whoever that may be.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

However for me this kind of sounds the death bell for our marriage. Not sure if anybody has brought their marriage back from this sort of situation or this far gone?

Oh please. What, you think you're special? This happens all the time!

My wife told me she HATED me, told her OM that she would rather DIE that remain married to me, and she told her parents they needed "to just get over it."

Right now, I'm looking across the sectional couch at her, and she's giving me a nice smile, after we just had a nice 45-minute talk about her work sitch. We exchange "ILYs" daily, and our sex life has never been better.

It CAN be done. And as Coach would say, "You can handle it."

Puppy

[P17]

Oh please. What, you think you're special? This happens all the time!

No I don't think I'm special. I'm actually glad it happens all the time. It means that my situation has happened exactly before and others can help. There is only so much reading I can do about this before my brain melts so I probably either read it and it didn't sink in or I haven't reached it yet. :-)

My wife told me she HATED me, told her OM that she would rather DIE that remain married to me, and she told her parents they needed "to just get over it."

The only difference between you and me is her parents, at least her mother seem to support her. But I suppose that's no biggie - as she always said, "you married me not my parents".

Right now, I'm looking across the sectional couch at her, and she's giving me a nice smile, after we just had a nice 45-minute talk about her work sitch. We exchange "ILYs" daily, and our sex life has never been better.

It CAN be done. And as Coach would say, "You can handle it."

I have no doubt I will handle it. I actually think I've done a pretty good job so far of keeping to together. Few tears, no breakdowns but just sad and upset (as you would expect). The only bit I'm not proud of is the clinging, the pleading and the neediness.

I remember reading about your story on the forums - 26 pages of comments from memory (or was that another one).

How easily did you do going dark / LRT though?

I've had a clear out today of some more of her stuff I found. There is also still mail coming in for her so there are constant reminders. All her pictures from the house are down and the wedding ring and chain she bought me is off just so I can try and get rid of these reminders. NC has been pretty easy so far (okay it's only been 4 days but I have no desire to contact her) but the thoughts and therefore my attitude will be the bits that give me away. Will try and focus on these over the weekend. Off for another bath and another read at DR for the section on Thought Stopping.

@Arwen_in_NJ I will take a look at that forum. Thanks.

@Sandi2 - I really really don't know if I want to be married to a person who could do this to me. What's more difficult is that I'm not even sure if I don't know or whether I'm just scared to admit it, give up, and move on. I need to do a bit of soul searching I think. What keeps me from giving up completely is that this woman who left is a mess and is a million miles away from the woman I knew just a few months ago. That makes me want to wait for her, but the old her not this new cold hearted creature. I can't see how somebody can change like that, permanently, overnight (almost).

Anyway, move on with my life and try to become the best man and dad I can be.

[P17]

I am so thankful for "grace" and for second chances. P17, you get out there and become the best man you can be! There is a lady who will appreciate your hard work improving. Focus on being a better man for your next R....whoever that may be.

What ultimately changed your mind to ask for a second chance and ditch the OM?

[Arwen_in_NJ]

However for me this kind of sounds the death bell for our marriage. Not sure if anybody has brought their marriage back from this sort of situation or this far gone?

Oh please. What, you think you're special? This happens all the time!

My wife told me she HATED me, told her OM that she would rather DIE that remain married to me, and she told her parents they needed "to just get over it."

Right now, I'm looking across the sectional couch at her, and she's giving me a nice smile, after we just had a nice 45-minute talk about her work sitch. We exchange "ILYs" daily, and our sex life has never been better.

It CAN be done. And as Coach would say, "You can handle it."

Puppy

Puppy-
As my W has spent this week moving things out of the house into her new apt. and will be moving furniture out tomorrow, this is just what I needed to hear.

Thanks.

[MTNspirit]

@Sandi2 - I really really don't know if I want to be married to a person who could do this to me. What's more difficult is that I'm not even sure if I don't know or whether I'm just scared to admit it, give up, and move on. I need to do a bit of soul searching I think. What keeps me from giving up completely is that this woman who left is a mess and is a million miles away from the woman I knew just a few months ago. That makes me want to wait for her, but the old her not this new cold hearted creature. I can't see how somebody can change like that, permanently, overnight (almost).

Trust me, I know where this kind of feeling comes from, as my W has been having an SA that began a week after she was regularly doing things like caressing my cheek, telling me in the softest, most re-assuring voice that, "no matter what, I love you and you love me and we can handle ANYTHING life throws at us. We've made it through all of our challenges this far and we'll always be there for each other to keep making it through, as we grow in even grater love together." Less than a week later she was sleeping with our neighbor and telling me that I was being over-controlling and paranoid/crazy when I said that I thought they were spending too much time together and that he'd told me some pretty scary things about who he was.

Nonetheless-- and this is VITAL-- she is not doing this to you! She is not doing this to you any more than an alcoholic is drinking "to" their spouse. She is involved in this because of her own issues. You cannot allow yourself to believe you are a victim in this, or all you'll ever be is a victim, at the whim of whatever your W, the OM, or anyone else is doing. You will be reactive instead of proactive and out of control for as long as you are a victim. Go get yourself in front of a mirror and spend 5 or 10 minutes just staring at yourself. Whatever comes up, accept it and acknowledge it. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell. Then, when you're done with that, even if you need to fake it, look as deeply as you can at yourself and tell yourself, "I am stronger than ANYTHING life can throw at me. I am thriving no matter what. I am in control!"

I know how hard this is. We all do. Start manifesting your destiny now!!!

Peace
MTN

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Nonetheless-- and this is VITAL-- she is not doing this to you! She is not doing this to you any more than an alcoholic is drinking "to" their spouse. She is involved in this because of her own issues. You cannot allow yourself to believe you are a victim in this, or all you'll ever be is a victim, at the whim of whatever your W, the OM, or anyone else is doing. You will be reactive instead of proactive and out of control for as long as you are a victim. Go get yourself in front of a mirror and spend 5 or 10 minutes just staring at yourself. Whatever comes up, accept it and acknowledge it. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell. Then, when you're done with that, even if you need to fake it, look as deeply as you can at yourself and tell yourself, "I am stronger than ANYTHING life can throw at me. I am thriving no matter what. I am in control!"

THAT, was great stuff, MTN. Nicely stated.

Puppy

[Kettricken]

Nonetheless-- and this is VITAL-- she is not doing this to you! She is not doing this to you any more than an alcoholic is drinking "to" their spouse. She is involved in this because of her own issues.

Concur (at least to the degree that this is a much-overlooked *factor* in these situations). Absolutely excellent, and would that it were more widely discussed and understood.