Over the Shock and GALing 6

[JTJ]

Thinker:

I'm an abusive husband verbally and physically in the past. What I learned about my self was an abusive mantra that kept me in this cycle. Worry-->Fear-->Anger--->Control. This post was quoted from a post from you on October 3rd or fourth i don't remember.

But I don't have much patience right now. Reaching the end of my rope.

Fear: I am really afraid that things aren't going to change. That this R will just never be good. That the weight of the R will always be on me. That I will never get out of the role of Saviour/Scapegoat. That even if things reconcile, that I will just end up right back here in a few years when she pulls away again - a few more years lost to a bad R.

Anger: I hate the absolute apathy I get from her recently. Her attitude says "I don't care if you are in my life or not, just don't interrupt or bother me."

You are ramping up inside the cycle. You are compressing the spring soon you wont be able to control where it goes.

Next post coming

[JTJ]

My issue is that the script hasn't changed AT ALL in 11 months. I am not starting to realize / believe / accept that maybe she is not capable of changing the script. Maybe, she is not capable of taking responsibility for her own life and her own bad decisions. Ever.

(Currently she says the only bad decision she made is agreeing to marry me... )

If this is the case, then I don't want to spend the rest of my life being the scapegoat to someone who can be neither happy nor responsible for their own unhappiness.

I am at the point where (except for my kids) I am ready to file and walk away.

And after a long time of this, I am angry enough to just want her out of my life. GONE.

Alot of anger here spring compresses further. After 11 months i want her to change her script. I want her out. Very controling. You are leting her dictate how you feel and act. Worry-->Fear--->Anger--->---Control

[Greek]

And by all means, talk to your C privately. You were NOT heard. From what I read, you didn't even get to talk. Try not to be too hard on the C. From the sound of it, he probably handled the sitch as best he could. Her/Your (you-plural) issues aren't going to get solved in one session.

Call your C. He will probably talk to you for a bit with no charge and w/o booking a session that you'd have to wait for.

Edit: BTW, it is absolutely OK to tell your C that the counseling environment is supposed to be a safe place for YOU, so if you didn't feel safe tell that to the C. It's also OK to be disappointed or even angry with the C if you feel you got shunted to the side. TELL the C if that's how you feel.

Caution: Mrs. Thinker's L can subpeona your counselor's notes about your sessions.
Greek

[Greek]

Thinking seriously about packing up and just leaving - going somewhere for the weekend.

Too bad I have to work (from home) tomorrow.

Too bad the weather is such crap.

Maybe I'll just take a day of emergency vacation and go.

Don't leave that house with a bag in your hand. That's my .02.
Greek

[JTJ]

Thinker,

Here is the control part:

She does not Trust you! She is afraid of you! She has probably lived with this behavior the entire marriage. Worry---->Fear---> Anger---->Control. physically you cannot force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. I deleated apart of this quote that said "i don't like her anymore I wish she would Leave" Control! Control! Control!

Later on Monday morning I threw a complete temper tantrum over nothing - completely irrational, my fault and unreasonable - I agree. Warning! Warning! During that temper tantrum I wanted her to move into another room away from our boys so I could fight with her without it being in front of them. She refused 3 times and finally in frustration I grabbed her arm and pulled her about 3 feet into the next room so I could close the door behind her. She didn't yell, fall, say "Ow" or anything, but it was COMPLETELY unreasonable and irrational of me to get physical with her at all. I have apologized to her multiple times saying how wrong it was. I felt bad for both my temper tantrum and for this.

This whole event lasted maybe 10 minutes. In the 4 days Since then I have been calm - still angry, but just left everything alone, did my work and went about my business.


With the C today, however, She is now calling this "Yanking her through a doorway, and demonstrating to our sons that violence against a woman is OK".

Wrong it was, but believe me, it wasn't violence. I wasn't feeling violent or even thinking violent thoughts. I was in pain and was lashing out verbally, and got really frustrated when she wouldn't step through the door so I moved her against her will. However, I do really understand that seeing me angry could really make her scared. I do.
Help!

Thinker you are getting alot of bad advice about getting a lawyer and wondering what she is going to do next and what about this and what about that. More of the same from you. Worry!!! The cycle begins again. Worry--->Fear----> Anger--->Control!! Stop the cycle She doesn't trus you anymore. She needs you to validate this. Do it save your marriage!!! Worry---->Fear--->Anger----->Control.

I can feel it in your posts now that I look back. your wife feels it to because she has lived with it. lived with your worries your fear your anger and your controling behavior. Let her go! Validate her. Compassionatly!! i've not felt a single whisper of compassion from you Just more of the same. Worry---Fear--->Anger--->Control.

I'm praying for you!

JJ

[Thinker]

We've agreed to call a 2-day truce. I am leaving the house tonight, coming back tomorrow and trading places with her. She is going to spend Saturday night away.

[Thinker]

@JTJ,

What did you do to break the cycle?

[givingitmyall]

JTJ,

Your post about the cycle is a very good one. But, with all due respect, I have to disagree about this:

Thinker you are getting alot of bad advice about getting a lawyer and wondering what she is going to do next and what about this and what about that.

Going to speak with an attorney and being educated about and prepared for what may come down the pike is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean you have to file for D.

I agree the LBS should not wonder what the WAS will do next or wonder why the LBS does/thinks something. But, being prepared for all of the potential twists and turns is not a bad thing.

[Greek]

Thinker,


I can feel it in your posts now that I look back. your wife feels it to because she has lived with it. lived with your worries your fear your anger and your controling behavior. Let her go! Validate her. Compassionatly!! i've not felt a single whisper of compassion from you Just more of the same. Worry---Fear--->Anger--->Control.


JJ

I have read plenty of compassionate validating from Thinker. He has been doing The Work. Mrs. Thinker has not. And when together they made the decision to go to the Marriage Emergency Room (Retro), she refused treatment. I agree he should let her go - as in "if you are miserable in this M, get going - move out, file...be a Big Girl." He can protect himself legally and still work on the M. He can insist on her being a Big Girl and still work on the M. But I believe she needs to be held accountable for the WORDS she s throwing around - to the C, to Thinker...if he is so awful, then she needs to get out of there. FWIW - I don't think she will leave...and she'll say that's his fault, too. She oozes Victim.

Greek

[JTJ]

Thinker,

I treated it like I was an alcoholic. This my problem and my wife has no ability to influence this positivly or negativly.

I accepted my problems. I'm an abuser, I'm controlling, I allow worry and fear to control me.

I'm responsible for this and no one else can make me, worry, fear, angry, or controlling.

Recognize your feelings and don't try to reason why they are happening. Don't look to explain away why someone else is making you feel a certain way. Allow yourself to feel the pain, the hurt. Allow your self to cry if you are sad. You are trying to stop the hurt stop the pain. You can't! You do that inside the cycle. Say it to yourself whenever your feelings are coming on Worry, fear, anger, control. Recognize where you are. Don't allow other people to control or direct you inside the cycle. Things get better and then they get worse in the relationship. The worry, fear anger and control sneaks up on us. Look back at your posts. You are already back inside the cycle. Thinker: "I'm more confused and afraid than angry right now." You are starting to compress the spring. You already know what happens when this starts you can't stop. But you can stop it, you can take control of yourself. You can't do it by Worring about your wife, Being afraid of what she's going to do, being angry about what she does and then controlling her by what you think she should be doing.

The big part about AA is turning things over to higher power.

I'm catholic so i decided to pray the Rosary every day, try to make holy our every week or the Stations of the cross. I turn whatever my wife says or does over to God instead of taking on her problems.

We talk alot on this forums about Respect from our spouses and how we arn't going to allow them to disrespect us. Because she can't Love you if she doesn't respect you. She can't Respect you until she can TRUST you. Only then can she Love and respect you again.

Validating her feelings is not taking on the responsibility for them or fixing them. If she is not Validating your feelings offer it over to God Don't allow her to compress the spring. She can't if you don't let her.

Remeber this verse "Husbands Love your wife like Christ Loved the Church." He laid down his life. He gave compassion to the church that it needed not that he wanted to give it. Father let this cup pass from me if it your will to do so.

Finally don't allow anyone tell you. You can't change. You can! Know where you are! Worry---> Fear----> Anger---->Control. This may be a very sobering and sorrowful experience. Allow your self to feel those things.

If you need to talk let me know. I just wanted to share this stuff so someone else may benefit from it.

JJ