(((((((((((TAL))))))))))))) So sorry that you found that bill. You know what they say-what we don't know doesn't hurt us--and this was through September--he didn't move in until after that and perhaps his delay in moving was simply to give this up completely before coming back home. PMA and be calm when you discuss (not accuse) H with this topic. You deserve to have answers, but just try not to put him on the defense! Take Care!! You are still on the road to recovery--just a little speed bump!
I just CANNOT get the picture of you and H making a total FOOL of OW at work...and then them still being involved???
Is this woman THAT pitiful???
All I can tell you, Tal, is that when I found out OW was still around (three months after it was "over for sure") I was just flabbergasted!!
We too had been to counselling, he'd lied AGAIN to our C, to me, to both our families!!! I sincerely thought he'd lost his mind. I felt like I'D entered the Twilight Zone.
But here's his story (take anything that may fit)...they broke up on Nov 28th but contact started again within 2 days (she says it was him...he says it was her...whatever)
I'm sure at first CJ was more drawn to her (his "love") than me (the old ball and chain) but slowly over the next several weeks by DB efforts were paying off and CJ started leaning back in my direction.
He tried several times to break it off with her...but she was just insidious! She even called our house a few times when I MIGHT have been home just to scare him!
She'd say WHACKED stuff like: You can stay with S, but why can't we still be "friends"? You can travel up here to visit me? You can get your vasectomy reversed and impregnate me!...She would tell him all about the guys chasing her...even started dating a fellow seriously (all the while her H and two small boys are at home without her)...still insisting that she "couldn't lose him"....
She saw NOTHING wrong with them having a long distance affair while having "real" Rs at the same time!!! And she thought nothing of calling me up (again) and blowing the lid off of everything (again) when CJ told her that was IT on Feb 24th.
CJ was TERRIFIED that I would find out the entanglement hadn't ended when I thought it did. He was CONVINCED that would be the final straw and his A$$ would be out the door.
He was SOOOOO relieved when it all came out and the contact with OW stopped right then...she had NOTHING left to hold over our heads.
... but I do go along with what has already been said here. Don't try to read anything more into it. (Just before the weekend, you made nearly the same comment to me about finding the gold pocketwatch with OM's initials on it.)
I use the knowledge I've learned to fortify my resolve to keep working on being the best me I can be. Started dancing in the minefield. That includes giving CAW the benefit of doubt and believing that in time she will come around full circle and discover that what she has in M is not worth losing by remaining in contact with OM.
... and if while dancing a mine goes off and blows the M apart ... then so be it ... I'll continue to dance right into the next life ... whatever that may become.
Try to give Wolfie the benefit of the doubt for now. Jeaninne is right. phone contact does not mean infidelity and as strange as it may sound, he may be lying as a means of wanting to protect you from anymore hurt, knowing that the phone calls are not going to lead to anything else with OW. This not all that uncommon and I've read it here a few times myself.
Earlier this summer, CAW kept saying to me, "we're all being tested". I find myself agreeing with that and no matter what the outcome, I'm focusing on making sure I'm doing the best I can in how I'm being tested and making sure I can live with the choices I make.
I remembered that the phone number of the other cell phone was an old one he'd gotten for me. He signed a two year contract for it, but it didn't have reception where I work, and my work got my a new one.
I thought he'd had it disconnected though. I asked him to do that a long time ago as the bill was in both of our names.
So...I went on line to that cell phone company and was able to access the account and see the billings. I printed it all out, then I showed them to Wolfie and asked if he could explain it.
What he said was that he had used it up until he and I separated, and he had an outstanding balance on it before he had it turned off. He thought the billing date and amount owed was right, but though those calls listed were from last year. He told me to call and see if that was the case.
He did not behave in any way like he was lying. He said thaqt he appreciated me coming to him and keeping an open mind about a logical explination. He was very concerned about my feelings and said he had been trying very hard to live his life as an open book to me and the kids, not because we made him feel like he had to, but to make amends. He said he was willing to be accountable for every minute of his day for as long as it takes to regain our trust.
He said it was very hard to be patient and not get defensive when these things come up, like: people from his work gossip and it gets back to me and when the kids think they see him driving around with her in the car and now this thing with the cell phone.
But he said that when he stopped to think about what I was going through...not only having to deal with what is in the past, but to have these things come up for me over and over that make me question if it is still going on...he thought that must be so horrible for me to have to deal with and was very sorry.
He insists that he has not spoken with XOW in all of this time and has never had the slightest desire to.
He also said that he'd been hearing some guy on a talk radio show talk about a book on "emotional infidelity".
He said he could relate to what was being said, about people spending more time at work than ever, and how easy it is to have a friend at work that you joked around with and its all very innocent...until little by little, lines are crossed and suddenly you find yourself wondering how the f you got yourself in THAT situation.
He said that, before I confronted him, he had been trying to distance himself from XOW. He said that she was creeping him out by talking romantically and kept telling her that the whole episode of attempting to have sex with her was a huge mistake and that he only thought of her as a friend. Apparently, he had been getting really uncomfortable and trying to wrestle himself out of the situation when I found out.
Since then, he's thought about some of the things I've said about her violating my life, being preditory, having a very low moral standard to be messing with someone else's H and being so pathetic as to live off the crumbs of another woman's life. He said that he never thought about those things at the time because he felt so guilty himself, but it has added to his disgust to even have to see her.
I told him how I felt about being triggered by some things and some dates that were upcoming. He's my best friend and normally I would come to him to talk about things that might be weighing on my mind and I wished I could come to him without him thinking that I was trying to make him feel like crap. What I really want is for him to hear and understand what I am feeling, and if possible, to help me heal.
He said that he hoped I could see that he is trying very hard and that thought even 10 or 15 years down the road, something could come up that reminds me, but hopefully there won't be as much pain as there is not.
I told him how terrifying it feels to have to work so hard to trust again--and do it DESPITE being terrified that I will suddenly find out that I've been made a fool of and that my life was not what I thought it was.
I didn't get a chance to call the cell phone company because I've been super-busy all day. I'm still trying to make sense out of all that I saw and all that he said.
What an awesome talk out of such lousy circumstances!! And haven't you been wanting to have an R talk. Despite all the upset behind this, this is a wonderful turn of events. Good for you!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I still don't have any real answers about the cell phone bill. I called the phone company and asked about it. The guy I talked to said the bills were all computerized and it is very possible that the "new charges" were actually old charges that haven't been paid off yet. He said he'd research it for me and call me back & could even let me know the date the phone was actually turned off. That would answer my questions.
I agree that it was a good conversation with Wolfie, and I do see that he is trying very hard. I don't think I could ask much more from him. It does frustrate me that it seems to take a crisis sometimes to get to the point where he will really communicate with me. He completely misses my attempts to start a conversation (such as when I asked him if he was happy). He says I need to be less vaugue about it.
He did agree with my request that we set aside time for R talks and even read some books together.
Last night, when I got home from work--Wolfie and S20 were in the back room playing video games together. I watched for awhile because it really warmed my heart. There was a time not very long ago when I wasn't so sure we'd ever be a family again and I had strong doubts that those two would ever be able to have a relationship again.
It's a philosophical question though, that is making me buggy: why does this stuff keep coming up and being hung off the end of my nose? I don't believe in a vengeaful Christian God--we have our own beliefs and way of understanding spirituality. We believe that everything happens for a reason, even if it isn't clear at the time...
I have been right along side many of you while going through ups and downs in this Piecing process. I keep wondering though--why these things keep coming up that reopen old wounds and cause me to seriously question if the A is still ongoing.
First it was the XOW's old IM's popping up when I installed a new messenger program (that one still cuts deep), then the guy at his work gossiping that the A is still going on, then my kids thinking they saw Wolfie driving around with XOW in his car, and now this with the cell phone bills.
I did go looking when I found the cell phone bills, but why do I have to keep going through this crap???!!! Normally I would think that things are being hung off the end of my nose to give me a message, but the doubts don't jive with what I'm seeing in Wolfie and where our R is today.
I feel like I'm being tested or tortured or something.
Anyways, I know that I wouldn't be able to have the strength to deal with times like the last few days without all of you. You don't know how much it means to know you are there.
i really dont have an answer as to why these things keep happening. the only thing i can offer is that because of the crap that we have all been through we all seem to be a bit more sensitive to the warning signs (i say a bit, but i know it's more) and because they have done it once, it's only natural that we feel that they can do it again
that is where the whole "actions speak louder than words" come in. you said it yourself that the way you and wolfie are today doesn't jive with the insecurities, so i say to take things at face value, and just work on the bad feelings
you and wolfie have a good foundation for a new relationship, work on that
