Question

[awest1217]

Thanks. Really he has nothing on me. Moneywise I could just move, although I love my house, and he signed a paper (of his own free will) saying that if we were to get a divorce he would not seek any custody of S. There is nothing he has over me. I think we have just been together for so long and honestly I am scared of what this is going to do to him and S. I don't want S to live without a father, but at the same time I don't want him to learn the same habits H has. If we get a divorce and he tries for custody, H could lose his job, respect in the community, everything and if he does I am scared for him about what he will do. I know that is not my problem, but I love him so much and I think part of the problem is for 10 years I have been cleaning up his messes for him. So he doesn't ahve anything on me. I make more money. I am better looking. I am more personable and have more friends. My family gets along with me and supports me (for the most part).

This leads me to my great revelation or really just back to myself moment. Thursday nights we have church, and while I was praying, I realized that I had completely gone off track. When H came home, it caught me off guard and I was doing things before to get him to come home; not pursuing, giving him space, letting him miss me, etc., but when he came home I left those things because I never read DR with H at home in mind because that was not where I was at so I never thought about how to act then, plus I was praying he would come home open arms, not arms clenched. Last night and this morning I was in a good mood, sang, and did my own thing. I was cordual to H and very loving, but not pushy or even letting his actions affect my mood or behavior. I am trying to show him I love him, but just because he came home does not mean the ball is back in my court. He is a priority to me (which has been one big problem he has had with me), but at the same time I will not allow him to ruin me and then blame me for things not working. I have changed and am changing and need to put those things I have learned into practice. I knwo I will still have bad days and mess up, but I feel much better in my revelation. Still tired from getting over whatever I have, but great in spirit.