Question

[ClingingToHope]

I'll have to reread DR, but I believe one of the things in it is that there has to be just two in the marriage. He has to cut off OW or get out. It seems like he's trying to have the best of both worlds -- a home life and family and the ability to run around and date and do what he wants.

At some point you have to set down boundaries and if he wants to keep the marriage, then he has to end things with OW. I mean really, you couldn't have cut his hair?

I don't know where DR says to save a marriage you have to live like you are.

[awest1217]

I completely agree, but at the same time, I want to be able to say I tried everything. I know in DR there is a section on spouses who do not want to leave there OP. I am trying to detach and see if my love and prayers for God's help will work. Patience is the hard part for me. H was really nice yesterday and didn't even call OW which is the first time since he has been home. I noticed and even said thank you for that because he heard what I said on Monday during the yelling and took at least some of it to heart. Right now I am not feeling well, maybe it is the flu, but I think it is a cold and the fact that I have not really slept in a few days. I have never been one to do well on little sleep. Either way I want to make sure I applaud H when he does things right and support him and show him love. I told my brother last night that i have my own time line of progress and I am not saying specific things but there has to be large progess by certain dates. I am watching for baby steps and really trying to better to show love because love endures all and I believe love can heal all, if it is allowed to, but that is the key. H has to allow my love to heal the wounds and let his love reblossom.

Maybe I am being nieve or too optimistic, but I have to try or else I will regret it forever.

[ClingingToHope]

H was really nice yesterday and didn't even call OW which is the first time since he has been home.

That's a step. Hope you are feeling better.

[awest1217]

I feel like I keep making mistakes. Last night I read an IM H sent OW saying "I know, but in 4 days we can go back to normal if you want". I don't know what that means, but I jumped to conclusions. Based on previous situations, I think H is planning on leaving after this weekend, OW parent's are in town (yes H tells me everything about OW even when I don't want to know and H is going to a game with OW so the parents can use OW's tickets. Hasn't gone with me to a game yet...) this weekend and I think once they leave he will leave and OW will move back in with him. Once again this is all speculation and I don't know what to think. I am reading a book called "surrendered wife" which is helping me with some of my control (I am being careful due to the multiple times of mistrust), and I know last night I let my fears get the best of me. I told H that I was concerned that he was going to leave after this weekend. I did not tell him why I thought that. I said I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I did because I told my mom this last weekend. H said he is not planning on it, but it made things really awkward again. He said he is worried I am going to "spy" to find out if it is true. I said I can't even if I wanted to.

I know I should not have said anything and just said I am concerned and my fears are getting the best of me. Then see how he reacted. Instead I got on FB and vented to a friend, which got H upset because I didn't go to bed like I need, and he could not get on the computer like he had been. I really want to make sure that I am trying my hardest and not making mistakes, but at the say time I am human. Sometimes I feel like I have to be WonderWoman to make this work, especially because he is even more leary than I am.

I just needed to vent. I think when I get home tonight I will tell H I am sorry for letting my fears get the best of me and apologize for making him feel bad, and leave it at that. See how he reacts and do better next time.

[ClingingToHope]

I'd stop the spying. It doesn't do any good to know. What happens, happens. If he leaves this weekend good riddance. Sorry. But he never cut off contact with OW and that means he isn't committed to making it work.

You are allowing him to go to a game with OW? You have to set some boundaries to earn his respect and he needs to grow up.

I haven't read Surrendered Wife. I'm guessing the premise is to make sure both sides have defined roles in the marriage. If you are married to someone who has your best interests at heart -- and only your interests -- then you surrender. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

One other thing, DB rule number 1 is don't pursue, plead or beg. Telling him you are afraid he will leave is pursuing. You need him to understand you will be fine whether he stays or goes.

[BeginningAgain]

Awest,

Sorry I don't know your whole story, but I agree 100% with what Clinging is telling you. How does your H justify keeping the OW in the picture? How is it helping your H to truly reconcile with you. I wouldn't apologize for anything personally. Seems like you deserve a better effort than what this man is giving you.

S4H

[awest1217]

I agree with the stop spying. I have tried so many times to do that, and it is my safety mechanism plus my fear coming out. I am not allowing him to go to the game. He knows I don't like the idea, but I can't control him, and if I give him an ultimatum he will choose her, which i know means he is not committed to us, but at the same time I don't want to jump to conclusions.

I left him a message saying I was sorry and letting my emotions get in the way, and he said thank you for the apology. I know I can't pursue, but I don't realize the little subtlties of when I am. For example, this weekend is sweetest day and i want to buy him a card and just leave it where he sleeps so he gets it when he gets home from the game, but I know I shouldn't because that is pursuing.

I need to somehow get back to focusing on me while still maintaining my relationship. It is all new and I have have to relearn a lot because it is different with him here.

[ClingingToHope]

Do you think he's going to get something for you on Sweetist Day? Or something for OW?

Why are you so scared of him choosing her? He's home with you. You need to command some respect and the ultimatum -- if you go to the game with her, don't come back here -- would do wonders.

He doesn't respect you -- not if he's going to go to a game with another woman. You have to earn that back for your own self-esteem.

What is it that he has over you? Money, looks? You have to be stronger than you are letting on.

[awest1217]

Thanks. Really he has nothing on me. Moneywise I could just move, although I love my house, and he signed a paper (of his own free will) saying that if we were to get a divorce he would not seek any custody of S. There is nothing he has over me. I think we have just been together for so long and honestly I am scared of what this is going to do to him and S. I don't want S to live without a father, but at the same time I don't want him to learn the same habits H has. If we get a divorce and he tries for custody, H could lose his job, respect in the community, everything and if he does I am scared for him about what he will do. I know that is not my problem, but I love him so much and I think part of the problem is for 10 years I have been cleaning up his messes for him. So he doesn't ahve anything on me. I make more money. I am better looking. I am more personable and have more friends. My family gets along with me and supports me (for the most part).

This leads me to my great revelation or really just back to myself moment. Thursday nights we have church, and while I was praying, I realized that I had completely gone off track. When H came home, it caught me off guard and I was doing things before to get him to come home; not pursuing, giving him space, letting him miss me, etc., but when he came home I left those things because I never read DR with H at home in mind because that was not where I was at so I never thought about how to act then, plus I was praying he would come home open arms, not arms clenched. Last night and this morning I was in a good mood, sang, and did my own thing. I was cordual to H and very loving, but not pushy or even letting his actions affect my mood or behavior. I am trying to show him I love him, but just because he came home does not mean the ball is back in my court. He is a priority to me (which has been one big problem he has had with me), but at the same time I will not allow him to ruin me and then blame me for things not working. I have changed and am changing and need to put those things I have learned into practice. I knwo I will still have bad days and mess up, but I feel much better in my revelation. Still tired from getting over whatever I have, but great in spirit.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. You seemed more sure of yourself when he wasn't there. I hope the weekend goes well for you. What part of Indiana do you live in. I have a friend in Indianapolis.