But for a quick view of my sitch here are the coles notes:
Married 11 years, together 13 years, we have 6 year old son
July 09 W tells me ILYBNILYW and that she is no longer attracted to me. I pursue, plea, beg, cry etc. for a couple of days then find DR and stop all that.
W and I still sleep in same bed but have not touched, hugged, kissed or ML since the bomb.
We still do things as a family and still act as good friends (nice conversations, hang out, etc., but nothing romantic or intimate)
started MC in Sept. After first session MC suggested we both get IC as well.
early Sept diagnosed with depression and start on antidepressants. Since then I am much happier in life with the exception of what is happening with my M.
My IC tells me that I am doing great with the changes I have made and with the goals I have set for myself. She says that she cannot do much more for me in regards to my marriage but can help with the changes I am trying to make in myself.
Lost over 30 pounds, started wearing new cologne, always looking good, GALing and doing 180s.
After 2nd appointment with MC she tells us that we will need more help then she can provide (arranged through employee assistance program at work and only have 5 sessions) She said that I am in the deep end of the pool treading water trying to keep our marriage alive, but W has only put her big toe in the water to check the temperature and has to decide if she wants to get in or run away.
W says that her IC told her that it is not a matter of deciding if she wants the M or not, but if she wants to be M to me...She is not attracted to me at this time and wants to get to know the new me so that she can decide if she should stay and fight for the M or go.
spent this past Saturday night playing a game with W with questions to get to know one another. W said she had fun and learned somethings about me but would not tell me if what she learned was good or bad. One thing W said during our game is that she wants a man that knows what he wants in life and has goals. I asked her if she thought I had no direction in my life and she said yes. I told her my goals and what I am doing to reach those goals, but I don't think she believes my changes are going to last.
Spent nice Thanksgiving Long Weekend doing a lot of family activities with W and S.
This is where I need help. I am tired of leaving for work every morning watching her hug and kiss our S goodbye as we leave in the morning then she turns away from us and simply tells me to have a nice day. I am tired of coming home and asking her how her day was and some days hearing a simple "Okay" or "Fine" with no other explanation even when I probe. I am tired of getting the cold shoulder some days and then others she acts like my best friend.
My W has never said that she wants a divorce or that she wants to separate, she has only said that she no longer loves me and that she is not attracted to me anymore.
I am at the point where I feel I can't wait for her anymore. I want to get on with my life. I want to spend time with someone that wants to enjoy my company.
I believe I have detached, I will be okay if she decides that she wants to take her toe out of the pool and run away. I have come to realize that I don't need her to be happy, however, I do want her in my life. But if she decides that she wants out, then I will step aside and let her leave and find someone else to be with, someone else that would be happy to be with the new man that I have become.
How long do I have to wait until she makes up her mind?
Can I do anything to help her make a decision either way?
Me: 39 W: 34 S:6 M:11 years T: 13 Years B: 07/2009 Possibly BUSTED: 11/2009
Ahh, the age old question. How long do you wait...Let's clarify first. You were bombed in July of THIS year??? If that is correct. You have not been in the game very long at all. That does not decrease the suckage of the situation but you are just getting started. It is my observation that it takes 6 months for a lot of spouses to start to believe the changes. In my house it took 8 months. BTW, the six months is from when you really have your DB'ing working, not from when the pleading, begging etc...started. Are you GAL? Are you positive? Can you honestly say you are the best you that you've ever been?
Short answer, you wait until you've had enough. Only you know when.
Long answer, sounds like you are on the path but you could easily have 6 months from today, if you do everything right, to start seeing improvement. Each situation is unique but this is my observation of improving situations that are not complicated by affairs.
...my 2 cents
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Anyone out there have anything to say about the "how long to wait" in terms of a SA going on as well. I was Bombed in July of this year as well and moved out (couldn't afford the apartment on my own) in late August, went dark on Sunday, but there's an affair going on. When I moved out I didn't have proof it was an SA and W was denying it was even an EA. Since then she admitted it was an SA before I moved anyhow.
istilllovemywife - I would just say one or two things about your sitch... I know you want to be in a place of less ambiguity and feeling safe, loved, etc., but be careful with the approach of looking at it and saying
Quote:
I want to spend time with someone that wants to enjoy my company... find someone else to be with...
Just be careful that you're not looking to fill a gap/void and not first finding true joy in yourself.
My IC told me that when he was much younger, one of his Spiritual teachers told him his problem was that he didn't know that "Giraffes don't F elephants." When my IC replied that he knew that, his teacher said, "no, you don't. See, you want to be a giraffe, but you keep F-ing elephants." The message to me was loud and clear, that I am very dedicated to having my head up high and seeing far in front of me, living in a place of grace, as a "giraffe," but my W might not be at that place right now. Going forward and GAL I need to make sure that I'm a giraffe before I choose my next partner or I'll end up choosing an elephant. Likewise, should my W decide that she wants me in her life and drops the OM, we'll probably have another go-round at all of this later on unless she sheds some of the elephant and adds more giraffe. Make sure you make this about you and get to a place of "giraffe-ness" before you focus on having someone else in your life, that's my advice.
All right, before I start getting job offers at the zoo...
