It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

When she dropped the D bomb the 1st week in I pushed back hard and got her to change her mind for 1 day! I'll admit to creating a lot of the problems by begging. I haven't done it since.

The party sitch was me asking her to show up, not me stalking her.

I texted her to find out what her problem w/ the girls was because she said it was a problem. I didn't text her back because giving me a child was ridiculous and didn't think it deserved a reply.

Overall, NC has been hard because I talk to Ds everynight via her phone. We both have a tendency to forget and end up chatting.

I don't want to contact her. I've reached a resentful stage and I wish I could erase the past 9 years and never met her at all. This isn't just today, like all the other moods. This has been building for the last few days. I don't expect it to go away.

In fact it will peak on sat. She's going to a small show for a band we both discovered together on the last good night we had together. Sunday she literally told me not to show up at the show. She can go and I really hope it hits her hard that I could have been there with her and what she's done.

Bitter? A bit.

[ClingingToHope]

The anger and bitterness means you haven't emotionally detached enough yet. We've been apart for five months now but on four occasions I've asked her to consider counseling, a marriage class, something.

The rejection this last time was so harsh it actually helped me "cut the cord." I've got it worked out now that I won't have to see her until Halloween at the earliest. After that, I may not have to see her again until ... I'm not sure.

The less I see her the better I feel. She calls and texts about scheduling stuff. Luckily, I see our girls every day after school so I don't have to rely on W for updates. I hear about their day before she does.

Personally, I don't know if she'll think of you at all on Sunday. You will be on your way when you don't think of her on the weekend.

[TooLateForMe]

the "3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M." just out of curosity how much pressure did you put on her in the first week that she asked for a divorce? and why are you not honoring this 3 month seperation still to this day? by Tracking her down at parties, texting her, disrespecting her request for no-contact...

No pressure prior to D talk. Lots the 3 days after. There seems to be a little too much glee that goes into tooling me for my apparent mistakes. Things change, often day to day and the history can be confusing. The 3 mo separation is moot. After "I want a D" it ceased to be a concern and it's one of the things I'm most angry about.

The majority of the individual times of requested NC were my idea. She breached those as often as I have and I was all too eager to read into that and keep the contact up. I don't do a lot of texting. Though I know she thinks I do, so point taken.

Spending time w/ W last sunday really made it clear to me how she's changed. I didn't like being around her. The vibe I got from her was bad and if I'd met her for the first time I would have avoided her like the plague. Which is what I'm doing.

It's funny, but I don't think she's dating. Yet. I think she's a little afraid to totally ruin everything. Even though I don't think I have much fight left in me.

[LTD]

Don't give up. Even if hope is all you have, it's still something. Not all situations have a happy ending, but lots of them do. Unconditional love is a choice you make every day when you wake up - and, no, it's not easy at all.

[TooLateForMe]

Frustrating...

W called. The medical procedure left complications and she has to go back into dr. tomorrow. She doesn't want my help.

Her dad is in jail for workman's comp violations and W's stepmom found out about tons of lies he told her. W is crushed.

Then w tells me that her friend ron is coming over to help her feel better.

I say I feel like she's using me as an emotional tampon. W gets mad and conversation ends. I text that I'm sorry about her dad but "if there's no R it's not fair for me to get to hear all the problems and be reminded that that's all I get out of it. I want to be there for you but you don't. I feel I have to protect myself."

No reply.

Maybe I crossed a line but I don't want to hear the problems and be reminded that I'm not a "real" part of her life.

[TooLateForMe]

And I think I just screwed everything up forever...

She called. It turned into an argument about how lousy I was and I only want to make her feel bad... and how she would just stop telling me anything. I fought back for a change and it got heated. At the peak of being told how much of a loser I was and how everything was my fault I hung up.

Sent a text about how I'm trying not to make her feel bad but if she does maybe it's her guilt. I said I'm tired of being the punching bag and that it's easier to make me the bad guy than deal with her part.

I told her to do what she wants and I don't care, and that "I want you happy but I want me happy too."

[ClingingToHope]

She called. It turned into an argument about how lousy I was and I only want to make her feel bad... and how she would just stop telling me anything. I fought back for a change and it got heated. At the peak of being told how much of a loser I was and how everything was my fault I hung up.

Sorry. It's a tough night when your W turns to someone else for comfort. Dottie the DB coach though would say you had a chance here to listen to her concerns and grow closer by absorbing her anger.

"I fought back for a change" means you got defensive and that always just escalates things.

[TooLateForMe]

You are so right, CTH. I lose sight of the person my W is sometimes. I sent an e-card apologizing. That was a real blunder on my part and deserved more than just a plain apology. I don't think it will matter. Talk about a set back.

[TooLateForMe]

Isn't there some decoder ring I can get to tell me what to do? Seriously, I keep doing the wrong thing and I'm not even sure if there's a right thing anymore.

And how do I smooth this one over?

[bluerain]

Ok, you have gotten some great advice here, maybe you should read back through it! I would say that you dont argue with her. If it starts to escalate, tell her that you need to go and will call her back because you dont want to fight. Other than that, can you get your D's one of those prepaid cell phones? Or could you make a plan that they will call you everynight at 7:45 or something like that? If she starts to get chatty with you, tell her that you have to go.

This will help you detach, and you have to, have to, have to detach. I promise you that the less she is in your face and in your thoughts, the better you will feel! You may not beleive it, but its true. Its totally counter-intuitive, but I promise that it works.

Steve is right, you havent really honored the separation, havent you gone to OM's house to see if shes there? You are desperate, if I can see it in your posts, then she, the woman who has known you for 9 years, can see it in spades. And that desperation is a HUGE turnoff!