W wants to separate

[sandi2]

It seems that you were doing okay, but then things started getting progessivly worse. So, I don't know how to do this except to go along and point out some things to try and show you. Some members can say just a few words, but doesn't seem to work well for me.

I might do a simple flowers and cards

Remember one of the DB rules is nothing that puts pressure on her. You aren't to buy flowers. Nothing says "romance" like flowers do. The fact you bought anything for an anniversay when the woman is probably already involed in at least an EA and wants you to move out of the house so she can pursue the A.....is rather in poor taste, don't you think? But then to add flowers and a card?

I'm keeping it light and vanilla. Nothing to make her feel guilty, just appreciated.

Appreciated? Maybe it is the diffence in the way men and women think.

I'm thinking I should not push my luck in the guest room and just get on top of finding a place quickly and getting out of there

Why? Why ae you moving out? Why are you doing what she wants? I know the practical side of what you said....but why? See below for the answer:

I think if I stay too long though she'll just get annoyed that I didn't go and respect her wishes.

Well, that's it. You are an official nice guy! God forbid that you piss her off, right? ........oh, but wait, maybe you have some spunk after all, b/c look below at this quote:

W was mad I didn't call and snapped at me saying she was worried because you can usually set a watch by my actions (prob part of the issue). I didn't handle it well and said something along the lines that I thought we were separating, I didn't know I need to call you still, but apparantly I do. D was in bed at this point.

Well, so you did something that was a 180! Good for you. W was mad.....so did the world come to an end? Nope! If only you would have have said, "Okay, but I was getting the feel of being single again".....wouldn't that had been a shocker for her??? Don't operate on how she will feel about your actions. Don't react to her emotions. Let what she says run off your back.

The problem with this argument/fight was that it sounded so.....married! Try thinking like you were not M to this woman. How would you react to what she said?

I left the room got my clothes back on and as I was leaving she said she was sorry she snapped and I told her that she should be and that I don't deserve to be treated like that.

You needed to handle that with a more manly attitude. To say you didn't deserve to be treated like that, is true....you don't deserve it, but think of a way you could say that where it would be coming from a calm, collected, strong man. She needs to see strength in what you say. If you storm out like a hurt pup licking his wounds, it accomplishes nothing. Even though she apologized.....it carried no weight.

I think she is trying to be "polite" to you just to hurry you on out of her way so she can get on with her life. She is concerned if she doesn't be nice to a certain extent that you may not do everything she wants.

if nothing comes up, I'll go with them to get out of her hair.

So now you are thinking about moving in with a couple of men? You will be miserable and it is a good way to lose two friendships. You aren't in college anymore. These things don't work very well after having your own home and family. You are allowing your W to bully you.....in a polite way, of course.

She teared up, I wanted to hug her sooo bad but resisted (probably the only thing I did right).

Just about.....

I can still do nice things, but I just can't pursue like crazy I think. I need to strike a balance. Part of the reason I'm in this mess is because I'm not thoughtful and selfish. I think pulling back would only reinforce that notion...

No, you've got it all wrong, friend. You are like a lot of newcomers that first start out with DBing and they get frustrated and think it won't work b/c it doesn't make sense ....but mainly b/c they are afraid. First, you can't pursue at all, okay? None! Pursuing is pressure and she will reject you every single time! You will dig your grave a little deeper each time you pursue. Just like the flowers and card was pursuing, but you saw it doing something nice....but it was pressure to her. Maybe part of this mess "stated" way back when you were not thoughtful and were selfish, but I haven't seen that since you've been on the board. The point now is to do what you "think" feels opposite. Now you have doubts about pulling back from her. You are leaving her to move out with some buddies! She doesn't want you man. If you pursue her while she is in this stage, you will ruin any chances of reconciling. You must pull back from her. I am telling you this as am almost WAW.

I'm still sending flowers to her work. It would just be the wrong thing not too.

So that wasn't enough pressure.....you decide to send them to her work. Oh, where everyone can see and ask questions....on no....no pressures at all.

This spawned into me trying to get her to open up to me. I asked if she was ready to see a counseler and if she really thinks I should move out before we do. She retorted, "what do you think it will change my mind" and became angry.

(Sandi is just shaking her head and doesn't know what to say.)

Well, I caved in and got $100 worth of flowers sent to her work for anniversary. I purposely didn't have a card with them though. She did the polite text message, "Thank you, they are unbelievable...".

I'm actually writing a letter right now that I'm not sure I'm going to give her but it is something she would have wanted me to do for years that I never did and is something she complained about. I never really communicated how I really felt to her for some reason. I may give it to her tonight depending on what happens. We'll be under the same roof for a couple hours and I might as well soak up the time with her while I can before I move out. If I do though, I know I need to back way off after and give her alot of room.

Would you like your shovel to start digging that grave now?