Just Divorced.....Angst, Anger and Anticipation

[native]

'I found the easiest way is to view my X clearly as the person she is now, and not the person she was. And the person she is now, I want no part of, and from there things got better.'

You know, sometimes I do feel this way, but then.....

The other day, we were in court finalizing our divorce. I did not feel the anger I felt when we signed papers a month and one half before. Just sat together until it was our turn. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this, she said yes.

It was so odd. When we were before the Judge, who asked me if I had anything I wanted to say, almost as if they would be my last words before dying. What would I have said? I have said it all, here, with others, and to my ex. I couldn't think of a pertinent thing to say at the moment.

I left the courtroom first to get some water, and waited for ex to come out, walked her to her car. It was raining outside..

We were halfway to her car and I asked her how she and Brian were doing...glutton for punishment, right?

She said she did'nt know. So I asked if it was him who was ambivalent, or her. She said 'Both'.

So I am wondering, is the Alien coming back from Outer Space?

I really think there have been large parts of mid-life crisis mixed in with this and there will be a re-entry to reality.

It is so weird too...at times she is the helpless forlorn pup, at other times she relishes 'taking care of herself' without my help, which she never did while we were together. As my friends might recall, I had to do almost everthing domestic when we were together...for 7 yrs. bc she was too tired.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. Just trying to figure out whats happening. She's been real friendly lately, and is making an effort to keep her tone pleasant, which has been a struggle since seperation.

So she was a b***h during seperation, changed for the better when she started dating Brian (almost like her medication was working...prob. just the results of sex...though she has not acknowledged a physical relationship yet, I haven't asked), and now that she isn't sure about Brian, she is actually friendly to me and talking to me about my career path (long story).

I asked her directly why she was concerned about my career path, and she said was taken off guard. Said it was 'complicated...that we have a child together and we will be interacting for the next 12 yrs...'

So I don't know what is going on. But I didnt really care for her thoughts or opinions re: my career, but could see she cared on some level...

Anyway, honestly, I was lonely tonight. I haven't really cultivated a whole lot of friends here, but have connected with a lot of old friends on facebook, where I have spent a lot of time lately....

But I think I need to get out and be a part of a group of virtual friends too. And that is hard. Even looking at Meet-Up, I have mixed feelings about jumping back into the singles scene,and being 'available'. I am self-consious about being 48, tho I don't look it. And I don't want to be hit on by older single women who are desperate, and don't want to come across like that to younger women. I think I just need to be with people for the sake of being with them, and whatever happens happens.

Now, to take that first step and get out there...thats the hard part.

Cause I really just want to be with my Wife and kid.....