Do you think maybe he is trying to end it and just not quit able to do it? I just mean since he is going to counseling with you and for himself, and did move back home.
Just trying to figure what is he thinking, why move back with you if you aren't who he wants to be with now.
That would probably really make him feel guilty knowing he told you he wasn't talking to her and continuing to do so.
This is one of those times you just want to hit them over the head isn't it?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
((((Tal))) Deep breathes! I really like the idea of saying you found the phone bill and see that he was still in contact with OW but not accusing him of still being in contact. Tell him how much you love him and want the R to work, and then ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED! Getting rid of the cell phone is a great first step on his behalf to prove he doesn't want to be in contact with OW anymore...so ask him to do so! Do think through your (absolutely valid) anger and take your time...if that solution isn't one you want to use...come up with your own or ask for ideas here, but take some time. Don't jump without first thinking things through. Maybe OW was still contacting him and pressuring him, even though he broke it off. He can not control others. You don't know for sure ...and he is at home with you again, so ....try to find a positive way to approach this very sticky situation....I know it's got to hurt lots. My heart goes out to you.
I do also know that I have had some phone calls from old drinking pals and had to ask that they not call me anymore. I don't have a cell, just home phone, but a few of them came at very bad times and H knew something was up. I had to be honest and tell him that it was gal pals from the bars calling...wanting me to come out. What they really wanted was someone to buy drinks (me) nothing more. Once I figured that out, it was easy to tell them not to call...but at first, it sucked. Anyway, maybe OW is calling him and H is trying to dissuade her. He may be nervously checking voice mails to see if she is still bothering him....
or maybe he is still seeing her.
The only way to find out is to attack the situation with a PMA. You will be ok no matter what. You are strong, intelligent, beautiful, and worth loving. You are kind, considerate, and thoughtful. H definitely needs to acknowledge his part in things, too.
Sometimes, we need to carefully strip away the scabs and let the wounds reheal, especially if they are still infected and need cleansing. This may be your chance to do just that.
Hugs and prayers and lots of positive thoughts.....Colleen
Hi Tal. Unfortunately my IM does not seem to be working and my brother does not come until next week to fix it. But I am thinking of you.
I like Colleen's idea. OK, he lied to you, but there may be another reason that the one you are thinking right now. Try to calm down and don't do anything until you do, but then you'll have to talk to him about it.
You can also wait to catch him in another lie, but that is only going to make you suffer more and longer.
I am so sorry, Tal.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I can relate to your intense anger after discovering that H has been lying to you, especially after all you have been through. Kind of recolors everything else he's said and done recently, huh?
However, there is a whole lot of missing data here. Also, phone calls do not necessarily equate infidelity.
I know...I would be thinking the same thing, but I really do think that there are many more possibilities surrounding this cell phone issue.
I imagine that your system must feel like a wild horse fighting off a bear right now and I empathize with you from head to toe.
arrrgh. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. And I'm sorry that Wolfie is acting like a rat fink.
I think that Ellie, Pam, et al gave you some great advice. If you could approach it with him when your PMA is high and do it in a non-accusatory way...easier said than done.
I dunno...here's what my gut tells me...that at least in my case, ow was still around long after he said she was. I think that she gradually started being diminished as I gained his attention and energy...I think the pull of the fear (of being alone, of being unloved) makes them keep ow around...like, can I really believe that this person still loves me, will truly forgive me? Maybe I should keep that safety net, JIC. Well..that doesn't make it any more palatable, does it? And why can't they see how much HARDER it is to reconnect with them around? Take you hands off the safety wire, folks!
Actually...if you can do it...my suggestion is this...DB your butt off...all the stuff that was working before W. moved home...keep an eye on things/Wolfie's reactions (w/o driving yourself nutty!)...but don't confront right now.
My two cents. Don't know what I would do if I found that h was still talking with ow now...but I think you have time and proximity, etc, on your side.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
one of the things that my husband always told me is that i never asked the RIGHT question. but then again tal, how do we ever know the right question
i am so sorry you are going thru this right now, but if what was said was actually what you wrote "are you still talking to her" i could see how his answer could be NO and he would mean it if it was in the context of HIS mind that he is only answering as far as since he has been home.
i am with the others - get your pma up and then approach him with this. what have you got to lose?
I don't have anything more to add. Tal you've worked so hard to get to this place. Now your R has taken a step back. I think you are still way ahead in the process, though.
Your a wonderful, loving, caring person and he knows that or he wouldn't have made this progress. It is the same as when they are in the FOG, they still notice all the wonderful things about their spouse, just tuck it away for later.
I can only add my agreement with the others, PMA and ask. Also, perhaps there is some cycling that HB spoke of? What are things that you now can do different to change the cycle?
