There's stuff we know intellectually, in our heads - stuff like "I'll be fine. My career will be fine. I'll have enough money." etc.
Then there's the stuff we feel in the pit of our queasy stomachs. The fear stuff. The gibbering-in-the-dark voice that says we will melt into a puddle and dissolve ourselves into a dew if That Person leaves us.
The first is rational thought and logical knowledge. The latter is pure, lizard-brain, adrenaline-fuelled, amygdala-squeezing emotion.
The latter is hard to get rid of, and I'm even talking chemically here, because when bad stuff happens to us there's a naughty little brain chemical that comes out to MAKE DAMN SURE we remember BAD STUFF because that's how we learn to avoid those situations next time.
So - it's completely normal to struggle with fear. It doesn't make you weak or unmanly. We're hardwired that way.
That's why detachment is such a conscious, will-driven process. It has to be in order to successfully combat the little gibbering fear demons.
Last edited by Dia; 10/16/0901:33 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I'm afraid to let go people. There I said it. Tough guy here is afraid. I'm afraid like he11 to let go. Problem is I don't know why I'm afraid or what exactly I'm afraid of. I have no doubts about my ability to carry on with life in every way. Career success, relationships, whatever. I feel perfectly confident about those things but still I'm afraid. At least I'm pretty sure that's it. It's illusive. I'm working on it though.
IMO, you're afraid because you blame yourself for the situation and to be quite frank (which I always am with you), you should. That being said, as men, we're fixers...something is broken...we fix it. Having broken this yourself, your desire to fix it is even greater. Problem is YOU can't fix it and that's a struggle for you...would be for most guys.
If your sitch were different, say W left because of MLC, OM, etc., letting go might be easier...you didn't break it, you can't fix it, you move on.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
I agree with above. There is NOTHING you can do to fix this now or make her come back. All you can do is work on yourself, move on and let her figure it out for herself.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I'm afraid to let go people. There I said it. Tough guy here is afraid. I'm afaraid like he11 to let go.
Detaching doesn't mean you stop caring. It means you understand that the outcome is not all up you and you make plans accordingly. Two parallel paths that you must prepare yourself for. You are then letting your thinking guide your emotions and actions.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You blame yourself for the situation and to be quite frank (which I always am with you), you should. That being said, as men, we're fixers...something is broken...we fix it. Having broken this yourself, your desire to fix it is even greater. Problem is YOU can't fix it and that's a struggle for you...would be for most guys.
I can most certainly relate to this!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I agree with above. There is NOTHING you can do to fix this now or make her come back. All you can do is work on yourself, move on and let her figure it out for herself.
I can relate to this too.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Fear is normal...natural...expected...and ubiquitous in our subset of people. Not letting it run (or ruin) our lives is what matters. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
The concept that there is nothing I can do to bring her back is frankly not naturally within my grasp of reason. Or perhaps more accurately stated, I shouldn't try to do anything to bring her back because that is manipulative and controlling. To me that feels more like a moral position. So is being right for the sake of being right always the best path??
I'm clearly missing the tools that others have to love unconditionally without being controlling. I hope with time I can figure this out so that I might have healthy relationships in the future.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
RSF...if you read your last post, it reeks of controlling behavior and typical male fixing and, of course, the proverbial line "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"
Take your time. Read more. Get the tools you need. Again, sign up for the newsletters at makingherhappydotcom. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
