My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[billclay18]

Ben,

I certainly don't have the answers to any of this, but it does seem the folks here who have been able to "bust their D" were only successful when they completely let go. You haven't done that thru your actions and words mean nothing. Not sure how you get to that point...I'm still struggling with it myself.

If you have a chance, please check out my thread. Looking for some feedback and not getting any.

[RedSoxFan]

Highly recommend this book

Mars and Venus Starting Over
by John Gray

It should be read simultaneous to DB/DR. Wish I had gotten to it sooner. It really gets into the emotional mechanics of detaching...the stuff that has to happen whether we reconcile or move on.

[faithisbelieving]

More importantly, the book explains how the 'hope for reconciliation' is a form of denial. This book was one of the key ones' that catapulted me forward in being able to handle all this. I agree that it should be read with DB/DR.

The other powerful one...if your W is infidelitous, is www dot womensinfidelity dot com.

FIB

[RedSoxFan]

More importantly, the book explains how the 'hope for reconciliation' is a form of denial. This book was one of the key ones' that catapulted me forward in being able to handle all this. I agree that it should be read with DB/DR

Can anyone point to any hard evidence that reconciliation exists after detachment (DB term) / Emotional Healing (Venus Mars term)? What do the numbers tell us?

I felt from the moment I joined this site that we offering each other some slight hope for reconciliation as bait to come into the detachment process which inevitably leads to health and happiness and of course divorce!

I don't mean to be a spoil sport but is DBing an oxymoron?

[billclay18]

I felt from the moment I joined this site that we offering each other some slight hope for reconciliation as bait to come into the detachment process which inevitably leads to health and happiness and of course divorce!

I don't mean to be a spoil sport but is DBing an oxymoron?

If detachment leads to health and happiness, that's a good thing...better than being unhealthy, unhappy and divorced or unhealthy, unhappy and married.

IMO, it's up to our spouses whether we get divorced. We can certainly make matters worse by begging, pleading, arguing, etc., but when it comes right down to it, if that's what they want no amount of changes on our part will matter. The changes are for us, our lives and our next R's. Sometimes I'm not sure changes are necessary, maybe we're just fine the way we are...just not right for our spouses...and that's OK.

[Stronger]

There have been many people on this board, active and retired, who were able to detach and then save their marriages. One guy in particular, it wasn't so much he detached as much as he truly gave up. Low and behold, she came RUNNING BACK. Some others have been able to detach and move forward with saving their marriages. I don't know that you can save it otherwise, if you don't.

Frankly RSF, I think this is a strange question from you, considering you wife has done possibly the ultimate detachment and look how you now want to work it out......

[billclay18]

Frankly RSF, I think this is a strange question from you, considering you wife has done possibly the ultimate detachment and look how you now want to work it out......

BINGO!!!!!

[billclay18]

Ben,

Where have you been? Hopefully so busy GAL'ing you haven't had time to post. I've noticed your activity on this site had died down which I take as a good sign. Hope all is well.

[RedSoxFan]

Frankly RSF, I think this is a strange question from you, considering you wife has done possibly the ultimate detachment and look how you now want to work it out......

BINGO!!!!!

Wow! Just when I think I have it all figured out someone brings me right back to reality!!

I'm afraid to let go people. There I said it. Tough guy here is afraid. I'm afaraid like he11 to let go. Problem is I don't know wwhy I'm afraid or what exactly I'm afraid of. I have no doubts about my ability to carry on with life in every way. Career success, relationships, whatever. I feel perfectly confident about those things but still I'm afraid. At least I'm pretty sure that's it. It's illusive. I'm working on it though.

[RedSoxFan]

Ben,

Where have you been? Hopefully so busy GAL'ing you haven't had time to post. I've noticed your activity on this site had died down which I take as a good sign. Hope all is well.

Thanks for asking. Very busy with work and kids. All good stuff!!