Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

I can handle not moving out. It is not that onerous for me to be her.

But if she is sitting there the whole time thinking I am in the next room plotting to harm her, what good can come of that?

Now she is home from work and wants to talk again. Time for me to just shut my mouth.

[Thinker]

And quit apologizing for everything. Read through your Retrouvaille notebook. If there is anything in there she can use against you, get rid of it.

Nope, nothing harmful in there. I wasn't angry until after we got home, and the tantrum wasn't until the next day.

[Dia]

And by all means, talk to your C privately. You were NOT heard. From what I read, you didn't even get to talk. Try not to be too hard on the C. From the sound of it, he probably handled the sitch as best he could. Her/Your (you-plural) issues aren't going to get solved in one session.

Call your C. He will probably talk to you for a bit with no charge and w/o booking a session that you'd have to wait for.

Edit: BTW, it is absolutely OK to tell your C that the counseling environment is supposed to be a safe place for YOU, so if you didn't feel safe tell that to the C. It's also OK to be disappointed or even angry with the C if you feel you got shunted to the side. TELL the C if that's how you feel.

[Thinker]

No, I was not heard.

And, in fact, I did not even really try.

The only thing I really said to defend myself was to say "If you have a dog, a really good patient dog, and you kick him, and put your fingers in his eyes, and take away his food, and pull his ears, until finally he barks and shows his teeth - does that mean that the dog is violent"

She got completely incensed and cried that I was trying to turn this all around on her and call her abusive.

The C said "That sounds like you feel like you are a victim. Abuse doesn't happen when someone feels strong, only when they feel like they are a victim"...

After that I shut my mouth.

I have a private session booked with the C, but not until tuesday. He's not available until then (I tried)

[Dia]

Thinker - does your W have any sort of family history involving anger or abuse? Could something like that be underpinning her reaction?

Edit: the fancy-pants word for what your wife is doing when she sees an event so radically differently from how it happened is 'cognitive distortion'. You might talk to the C about how to handle it when your W is in middle of one.

[Thinker]

Thinker - does your W have any sort of family history involving anger or abuse? Could something like that be underpinning her reaction?

I've wondered that, especially today.

I don't know.

[Lotus]

Now she is home from work and wants to talk again. Time for me to just shut my mouth.

Suggest that you take out some notebooks and dialogue about whatever it is she wants to talk about. And ask her to follow the rules.

[Kettricken]

Okay, you know what? It was very appropriate to apologize for the arm-yanking. I understand your motivations (not in front of the kids..) but it was way out of line, and you know it, and you apologized for it.

I would definitely talk to a lawyer, just to touch base. I find myself a bit concerned about the TOTAL level of volatility in your home right now, between your admittedly-fraught, zero-to-livid-in-.2-seconds state and your wife's road rage, etc. You can both be good, well-meaning people and things can still get out of hand in a way neither of you ever wanted or dreamed of. Try to be objective about where both of you are and not be blinded by stubborness or pride.

I don't really have any advice I feel competent to give on this one. Lotus' suggestion for dialoguing via notebook w/o face-to-face contact sounds like it might be a good plan, at this point....

We've got your back, Thinker, at least metaphorically.

[Thinker]

Thinking seriously about packing up and just leaving - going somewhere for the weekend.

Too bad I have to work (from home) tomorrow.

Too bad the weather is such crap.

Maybe I'll just take a day of emergency vacation and go.

[iwantittowork]

because I would be abandoning my kids.

Just a comment on that. Leaving is not abandoning your kids, I want you to think of it from another side.

Staying in a sitch that will break you down emotionally will be more abandoning your kids than leaving would, think about that. Thinker must be a whole person to be the best he can be for his kids.

Especially if things are escalating to violence. You know that moving your wife physically against her will is a violent act, regardless of why and how it happened. You have already apologized, but if your at the point of anger that you can't control, you must think very closely about this.

I am leaving my home for similar reasons. I do not want to ever get to the point that I loose my temper like that, or can't sustain my emotional self for my d8.