It has been so long since I have posted that I can’t even find my old thread. Not sure when it was but I think it is prior to me finding out that my STBX moved in with his MOW (….not sure if she is still married…but whatever) and her 3 children.
It was around d14’s birthday in March that I found out that they had moved in together. I guess all of his cake eating, confusion, crying, calls in the middle of the night to me, etc. led him to her once she and her husband sold there house and separated. He didn’t need me to be his back up plan anymore. She now could “take care” of him and financially let him stay a bartender while living at a house she owns. I am not sure if they are D but who cares.
Anyway, I have to say that since that time I have truly let my H go. I do not know this man and I don’t care for what he has become. He has morphed into what she has created him to be….a teenager in a 45 year old body.
D14 spends Sundays with him, usually at their house. Sometimes she does not want to go and he forces her into it. It is really pathetic. D14 told me she does not care for MOW’s children and she is bored at their house. She says it is awkward seeing her father living with other people and he tried to be Disney Dad. I stay out of it. If she wants to go she goes if she doesn’t she doesn’t. She is old enough and mature enough to make that decision on her own.
A few weeks ago H picked up d with MOW’s D in MOW’s brand new minivan. MOW’s D even walked over to where I was. I thought that it was so rude and tacky to throw that in my face that from that point on I don’t want to have anything to do with him …at all. When he dropped D off later that night (in MOWs new van) he and D must have had a fight because he pulled out so fast that he backed into my mailbox and broke the taillight. From that point on I don’t think he is allowed to drive her car….
S17 on the other hand still wants nothing to do with H. H is ashamed of what H has become and when he saw H and MOW at d14’s jr. high graduation he couldn’t believe what, to quote him, a “harlot” she looked like. Exact words from s17. I saw them there as well. I kept my distance. Standing in the hall I looked over at H giving me a stare down. Whatever.
As for me, well the house is still on the market. H had taken out a court order for me to get it ready to sell on the inside and he would clean up the outside. I took care of my part and he has not touched his. I guess he doesn’t realize that I can enforce the order as well which I may. The outside looks awful and it is another of the countless responsibilities he has walked away from. I am tired of doing EVERYTHING and I will not do this. If he can’t do it then he can hire someone. It is unreal.
Since H, as of this month, stopped paying the mortgage. Our “agreement” was he was going to pay the mortgage ($800/month) and I would not file for support. Last week, I filed for support. Waiting to find out when my hearing is going to be and wondering how H could not give a dime to supporting his kids this month. At all.
I have to say I am a little worried about the support I will be getting. As a bartender he certainly can hide some of his cash income. If anyone out there has any knowledge of how to prove income like this….please let me know.
So for now, H is living the life he wanted…without me. Having good times in his new house with his new family. I try not to think of him, which is hard to do, and I have to remember he is not thinking of me…..so why waste my time. All he has done has hurt me and then thrown it in my face. I feel like he used me until my money ran dry and then fled for greener pastures.
I thank the Lord for my children and my father. They have kept me sane and focused. I am trying to move forward with my life. I find it hard still to go out often as I really enjoy being with d14 and she is usually around. I don’t want her to think that she is anything but my number 1 priority since she feels like she is not H’s priority at all.
So that’s it in a nutshell.
Snodderly, I hope that all is well in your neck of the woods. I don’t think I would be as strong as I feel now without your guidance and support. I am not sure what the next phase of my life is going to be but I know that I am a better person and mother having gone through all of this.
I'm very sorry about your situation, but you know what? You will be fine with or without him. He's the loser in all of this.
I would stand my ground and not give an inch when it comes to support for your children. Shame on him!
I do hope that you are okay and will have a good weekend. The stress of what he's done would be enough to drive you nuts, but you are far more stronger than you think.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First off let me say that I have been doing well. House still on the market but a few weeks ago I found a great townhouse to move into (rent) near the h.s. where the kids go and the kids and I are so excited about it. I have not told too many people yet, but everyone I have talked to thinks it is great. It will be ready mid september. Tenant now is moving out in a few weeks and they are going to remodel kitchen, paint and carpet the whole place.
Fast forward to H. Well. I have been keeping my distance from him pretty much. Working through my lawyer, getting ready for support hearing and letting him live his new life with OW.
That was until friday. S17 came home from his gf's house around 11 and came in and told me that H was sitting outside on the corner in front of our house. I told s to just leave him be. Who knows what is going on....
H text me "goodbye M++++". Then sent me a tm asking for a ride. I thought...enough is a enough let me see what is going on out there. I walked out with d14 and there are the police putting H in the car (handcuffed). I asked what was going on and they told me that they had picked H up walking across a busy highway and he was drinking and almost got hit. When they asked where to drive him to he said my house. He must have pretended to go in.....and they came back and found him outside and arrested him. I called MIL and told her and said OW told FIL that they had a fight and H hit her and she was in the hospital (I think this was a lie).
So anyway, i let him go as he is no longer my problem...until the next day he calls me and apologizes crying and says tell the kids he loves him. I said ok. and that was that. His BIL bailed him out and I am not sure where he went after as BIL told me that h and OW had a fight and she threw him out.
Around 5:30 that evening s and I were home and H called. He was in the process of commiting suicide. He told me he was in his car and cut himself and was bleeding. He hung up and said he would call me back (i tried calling him back but no ans.) I think he called OW and she probably didn't help him so he called me back. In the meantime S called the police who came to my house to help me find him.
I talked to H for a while. I was able to calm him and I figured out where he was and he confirmed it. The police sent an ambulance for him and took him to the ER where I met him.
I spent 7 hours there with him while we waited for him to get stitched, xrayed (OW ran over his foot) and for the counselor to tell him what was going to happen. He ended up signing himself into a private mental health facility about 25 miles away and has been there since.
He has called me every day and thanked me for saving his life. I told him that anyone who cared about him would do the same thing. He said no they wouldnt. I don't think ow helped him.
I saw him there on sunday and brought him some things he needed. I went back on Monday. On tuesday he was not allowed visitors but was honest and told me ow was coming down as he has to resolve things with her. Not sure what that means. When I talked to him last night he said that they had a good visit and that she was very grateful I saved his life and so was he. I said that I was sure she would do the same for him and he said he wasn't so sure of that.
H is in group therapy and with a psychiatrist at the facility. He said the therapist is easy...the psychiatrist is tough on him. He says he is confused and has a lot to work through and doesn't know where he is headed.
Long story short...I saved my husband's life. I pray to God that he saves his soul. I don't know where my story is going to end. I am trying not to get futher than today. I hope that the psychiatrist unravels him....
Snodderly, do you know what the treatment entails. If it works.
I am not sure what to say. But you are amazing. I think it is good that he checked himself in and is getting help. But I would be very cautious about what it will all mean. Just keep yourself sane through all of this and concentrate on yourself. Your h has help so you need to continue helping yourself. He may have a long way to go and it will be long and winding.
A, I'm sorry, I do not know what the treatment will be, but the first steps have been taken...he's in a mental health facility. The realy work has begun. It's all up to him to figure this out and to listen and try to work on himself.
I'm going to suggest that you limit your visits for a while. He needs to put his focus on himself and not on your visits. He's got a long road ahead of him and God willing, that road just might lead him back to you and your family.
Please take care of yourself. Allow God to take care of him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Been at this so long (3.5-4yrs) that I don't know what to think. I am so skeptical and cautious and you are right, the only thing i can do is concentrate on myself and the kids.....and our move in september.
As far as H is concerned I talked to him for a few minutes last night (he is only allowed 10 minute calls). He said he just wants to get out of there. I am worried about that. I worry because usually when a therapist tells him something he doesn't want to hear he stops treatment.
Anyway he said he is antsy and wants out. Says his therapist wanted to meet with him and his parents. I wonder if that is what they do when they release someone into the hands of someone else...meet to discuss next steps. Not sure and I didn't want to ask.
If anyone out there has any knowledge of this....please pass it along.
In the meantime I am being cautious. I have been burned so many times by him.
I am writing to thank you for all the kind words of advice and encouragement that you have given to me during my time on this board.
My husband lost his battle with depression last month. He left the mental facility after 10 days (beg august), with a promise from his OW that she would get help and treatment for her issues, and went back to her thinking she would get help. He took his meds, went to therapy....she continued to drink and eventually he started to drink with her again.
For the 6 weeks he was back there, the depression manifested itself in physical pain. His back, his feet, his groin...everything. He would text me that he was confused, so messed up, didn't know what to do. He lost his job and I think living with OW and her kids was taking his toll. He was a mess both physically and mentally. I think he saw know way out of the hole he was in.
During his time back with her after the hospital there were several times that he stayed with his parents as there was "trouble at home." Finally, on Sept 24 the police and coroner had come to my door in the middle of the night to tell me my husband shot himself in the head. Hard to believe since he never would allow the kids to have toy guns. (Come to find out later that ow was the owner of the gun).
My H and OW according to the police had been drinking and arguing. She left to help a friend and left him drunk with a loaded weapon. Did not bother to get help or to stay in case he may hurt himself again. According to the police this was not the first time they had been to the home. H and OW had many drunken altercations the police had to break up. Once again hard to believe since H and I never laid a hand on each other....
This woman is truly sick. She was asked not to come to the viewing or funeral but was offered a private viewing to say goodbye....and didn't. She left my FIL a note stating that he was mean for not wanting her there. She even signed her name as D.... G.... Our last name. Like she was married to him. She stated he was her soul mate...I say that she was the death of him.
The family looked at the H in the casket. He looked nothing like my H. He looked old and tired. My kids both said that the picture we put in the paper and on the mass program was from about 5 or 6 years ago. The "real" dad my kids said. Not the man who was so lost the last few years.
My heart aches for my H. I miss him terribly. We had been spending sundays together at d14s softball games and I was really enjoying the time we spent. I think he did too.
I have a heard time with my feelings of anger towards OW. How she could have left him alone in that state with a weapon. She told my d14 via text a few weeks before he passed that he would be home with us soon. I think they constantly played mind games with each other until H couldn't take it anymore.
He died alone. He was drunk. I have to wonder if he was not if he ever would have done this. He promised d14 he would not hurt himself again. He never made peace with our son, but our son got closure by giving his dad his prize baseball cap to take into eternity with him as well as taking part in the services.
If my H only new how much he loved and deserved the loved. His self esteem was gone and his guilt weighed so heavily on him. Two people who were so damaged. I told my FIL that if H went back to live with OW after hospital one of them would not survive. I am sorry I was right.
The kids and I are moving in a few weeks. We are taking our memories of good times and leaving the last few years behind. We are taking one day at a time, going from sad to mad....to being ok. I know that we will always miss and love H. I just he wish he knew that.
I am so sorry. I have not read your story before but I will keep your family in my thoughts. My exH has been depressed for quite a while and refuses to get help. He also has a young crazy gf. I have been worried that he would hurt himself. I wish you and your children the best.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
May god give you the peace you so much deserve......
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
