confused, I would bet the ranch that your W is interested in someone else. And if she wants her independence, by all means, GIVE IT TO HER!! Just don't subsidize it. Let the all-grown-up-now-I-see-the-light-and-I'm-not-ha-a-a-a-a-py WAW go forth in her shiny new life all by herself.
DO NOT LET HER CAKE-EAT!! EVER!!
After all, she doesn't love you anymore, remember? Why would she expect help from someone she so soundly rejected? That would make you a doormat. And you don't want to be seen as one of those. Women don't respect doormats.
The DB book is fairly worthless in so far as it is for marriages where both of you want to save it. However, very few couples realize they are in trouble until it is too late. At this point, I do not recommend DB book at all. So, if anyone wants to get the DB book, I have one, cheap.
The DR one is better for most of these sitches. Also, do not let your W know that you are reading these.
KL, im not sure what help you are referring to her seeking from me? I will read DR, thanks for the referral. I have not proof that my wife is having an affair. Frankly, she was always at work or home with my D9 when I was at work. ALL other time was spent together...i believe that is part of the problem,we were always together. I may just be naive, I just don't know anymore.
All of the responses I am getting are saying that my wife is having an affair. I will admit that I don't know what goes on when I'm not here, but the discussion that I had with my wife when she told me she doesnt love me would have been perfect time for her to be honest, as I ask her if there was an OM. I'm not feeling like I'm being naive, just that I feel like I know my wife....now that sounds naive huh?
I appreciate the help and input from everyone here, but I am struggling when and where to apply the different recommendations. UGH! I feel like I can look my W in the eye an tell that she's being truthful, but this whole situation is so mind boggling I can't even put it into words!
Unfortunately, a lot of us here (including me) speak from experience. I, too, thought my W valued our relationship enough that she would come to me and talk if she ever found herself attracted to someone else. We had a good 16 year R as well.
Early last fall, I heard her talking on the phone to someone, and I asked her who it was. She said it was "D", a friend. I had never heard her use those tones with anyone but me, and I said so. I jokingly said "do I need to be worried?" She said if I saw the way "D" looked, I would know I had nothing to worry about, "but she liked it when I got jealous".
I got that feeling in my gut that something was wrong when I visited her in IL for Thanksgiving (she was working a temporary long term job assignment there- we live in NJ). I told her I knew that she was lonely being away from home, and that it if something ever happened (like she went out after work and had too much to drink), it wouldn't be the end of us, we could work it out. She once told me if I ever had an affair, not to bother coming home... I even asked her to her face if she was having an affair, and she looked me in the eye and told me no. In February, she told me about her A- and they had already been sleeping together by Thanksgiving when I asked her.
This week, she is packing up her things in the house and moving to her new place, with OW. So much for knowing your W- in a mid-life crisis they will do things you never thought they would.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
Arwen, I am really sorry to hear how that went down for you, and I appreciate you sharing. My W has told me that she doesn't love me and that she needs to care for herself for the first time in her life (never been on her own and single - was 20 when D was born). I don't know what else to do but take that at face value right now without further pushing her away, and causing her to not trust me.
What do you all recommend. There could be OM (or OW), but in not knowing, do you all just suggest that I end it? I am aptly named here, because I contiue to be confused on what to do. Been on this site for a couple of days...and I need to read DR
HELP! I am asking for input on how to continue to act around my W and still drive to positive results in reconciling my marriage. We're in MC. She is their willingly with and open mind, but has made it clear that she just doesn't love me anymore and needs independence.
What is my best course of action around the house, as we're living as friends, sleeping in the same bed, just doing our own thing otherwise. How do I best respond when she says she's going out, and how do I best tell her I'm going out without sounding spiteful or phony? I am struggling with giving her space and coming across as detached without it feeling like an act...I am not sure day to day what I'm doing or if this can be fixed! Thank you to any and all that have suggestions. Thanks!
BTW...wife is still texting me during the day to share what's going on at work, etc. Also engaging me in conversations about her day (and hows mine) when I get home from work. Very pleasant and friendly, but no affection or physical contact at all, still doing her own thing around the house. How can she be so nice like nothing is going on, and does it mean anything? (we did agree in MC to not discuss our relationship between sessions)
I feel for you man. I'm in a similar situation myself. Wife sayd the same thing to me. Wanted to separate. I dragged my feet a little and then confronted her last night saying that I disagree with the separation and that I wouldn't move out. If she felt the need to move out with D2 then that is her decision. Of course she flipped. Told me this AM she found a place and would be out on Monday. We had talked about MC, but who knows now. It was also our 5 year anniversary yesterday. Oh joy.
I guess, I'm just saying that I understand your pain. The advice seems to be not to smother her and give her space. It is counterintuitive to me and what I think is the reason we've drifted apart in the first place. But, people are saying it's the right thing to do. Even former WAWs. Trust me, I'm having the hardest time ever trying to detach from her. Good luck. FWIW, I can't believe she's still in the same bed with you. I would take that as a positive. It seems that if she really wanted the independence that she'd be sleeping alone.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
Thanks NAG (lol), I appreciate your thoughts and I'm sorry we're in the same boat. Oddly, W has been working through some issues for 3 or 4+ months, and broke it to me a couple of weeks ago that she doesn't love me. I'm sure I pushed her there in failing to actually give her space..I am affectionate and have always felt like that fixes everything...NOT!
During the discussion a couple of weeks ago she never mentioned divorce or separation (not sure if i just didn't let her?), only that she had determined through her own C that she feels this way and needs to be independent for the first time in her life. I don't want to bring it up for fear of accelerating the slippery slope we're on. That said, I am curious as to what she is thinking about as next steps, or is she just content at the moment that I am genuinely giving her space, not asking what she's doing, and doing my own thing. So frustrating!!!!!
