my W doesn't regret her affair

[GH31]

G'day again Future,

I'm not really sure what to do here.

Yes you are.

I've said enough things to her

You've said enough things. OK. What have you done?

...that I think she knows I will not tolerate her continued contact with OM.

How long will you continue to tolerate it?

You may or may not see this mate, but you are tacitly tolerating her continued contact with OM but hanging out with her during her affair.

So far she has no reason to believe you won't tolerate continued contact with OM, since, you're continuing to hang out with her, do family things i.e. meet all of the emotional needs that OM can't meet.

I know you're hurting son, and that you love her. I have been through all of the hell that you currently find yourself in.

Puppy is right, this is a chicken and the egg thing and your wife is very unlikely to end her affair before you've gone dark and shown her what life without you is really like. Right now she is comfortably uncomfortable.

I know it's tough.

I can't decide if it's more powerful to let her WONDER what I'll do if she decides to stay in contact with him, or to clearly lay out the consequences.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

What is working?

What is not working?

She's in contact with OM and you are also there for her. She doesn't need to WONDER what you will do because you've established a track record of being there for her and she's comfortable with the routine.

Your wife is actively adulterous and will respond to nothing but hard consequences.

Simply telling her what the consequences will be will likely be completely ineffective and be interpreted as lecturing/controlling/manipulative.

Telling a smoker that they will get lung cancer and heart disease does not make them stop smoking.

If they actually suffer a heart attack or lung cancer and are lucky enough to survive, they are MUCH more likely to do whatever it takes to get help.

You and I both know this.

Sorry to wheel out the smoking analogy again. Hang in there Future.