...he cheated AT me. There was definately an element of vindictiveness about it, but I don't think he'll ever admit that even to himself
So, I'm not alone here. My H definately cheated ON and AT me too.
Oh yeah....that's one of the things that still hurts and confuses me the most...it was like shards of pure vitriol and hatred flying from CJ's eyes...his lips thin and cruel...
Hey I was just reading up on your thread and wanted to comment of the R discussion area with your H. I was thinking of doing this from a male perspective as in a way I can understand where he is coming from. Mind you I could also be miles off mark here so take it with a grain of salt.
From a male perspective we normally tend to approach life as a series of projects and from my experiance we have a tendancey to only concentrate on one project at a time. Now a project can be career, building something, whatever. I have a tendancey to concentrate on one thing and put everything else on the backburner - this is one of the areas my wife definately finds annoying. Also geneally we are pretty break/fix, of something is broken we fix it then put it behind us and then go onto the next project. Im not sure if this is making sense.
So looking at this from your H's perspective he had a project that he had moved into gear about - that is fix the marriage (or fix he damage he had done). To do this he got his tools (new Relationship awareness) and did what he thought he had to do. Now he may see that moving back home has 'fixed' the marriage and he will now put that project behind him and look for the next one.
Looking back through my past this is a way that I have seen myself acting many times and also I have seen other friends of mine acting as well. I could be completely way off mark and well he could just be tired from movingh home and having a break (lol).
Anyway from my perspective your H could in his mind have finished the project (marriage is fixed) and he is now looking for the next one.
Andrew
_________________________________________________
To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Hmmmm...to a degree I think you are right. Over the past year, we've both been on the emotional rollercoaster from hell, and I think we'd both like a period of downtime where thing just coast along.
It is confusing me though. He made such a big deal about us making progress because we WERE communicating about our R and our feelings. He said his biggest fear was that we would stop doing that and go back to not communicating.
But I have tried several times recently to initiate conversations that he stopped short. Last night, when he called from work, I straight-out asked him why he wasn't talking to me anymore. He said that it was because we haven't spent that much time together and that we'd been doing a lot of family things when we do. I said, that we had the same old schedule we'd always had, but that we'd had plenty of alone time where we could have talked and I had tried to get him to open up a couple of times but he seemed like he was shutting down any meaningful conversation.
This morning was weird. He came home from work and watched a bit of TV until I woke up. He didn't acknowledge me and didn't return my "good morning", wouldn't even look me in the eye.
I don't know if he's pouting about something or going back to being secretive about something and feeling guilty about it or WHAT. If I ask what's up (so I don't go around mind-reading, guessing, and making assumptions) I get some non-answer from him.
But I have tried several times recently to initiate conversations that he stopped short. Last night, when he called from work, I straight-out asked him why he wasn't talking to me anymore. He said that it was because we haven't spent that much time together and that we'd been doing a lot of family things when we do. I said, that we had the same old schedule we'd always had, but that we'd had plenty of alone time where we could have talked and I had tried to get him to open up a couple of times but he seemed like he was shutting down any meaningful conversation.
Maybe he meant that he needed more alone time with you (without R talks) before he could feel comfortable with more R talks?
IOW, have you guys scaled back on the non-R-talk-but-we're-alone-and-having-fun time since he moved back? My h seems to need a lot of quality time together for him to feel good...whereas for me a good R talk = QT
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I felt hinky. I snooped. I found a cell phone bill from a cell phone I didn't know he had. He's been calling her number all through Aigust and September.
I asked him straight out "are you still talking to her?" "NO" he says. "Would you tell me?", I asked. "Yes" he says, "I just want this craziness to end".
...but I am sitting here looking at proof that he is lying. NOW what?
Well - gee this is a tough one - but - so far, you don't know if he's called her since he moved back in. Just that he called her in August and September. Aliens can be so goofy, mine was still very much in contact with OW even as he was coming back to me. So don't make the ASSumption that this means he is talking to her now.
IF you think you can be calm and not attacking or pushing him into a corner, you MIGHT (remember, I don't know your H and how he'd react) approach him quietly and say "Gee, I found this bill for this cell phone and all these calls to OW. I realize this was before you moved home but I do find it upsetting that you have this phone and I didn't know about it. I would feel a lot better if you would cancel this phone." The key here, of course, is acting AS IF you expect that he hasn't contacted her since he moved back.
Other possibilities - keep quiet and check future cell phone bills - only works if you have access to the bills - but would give you a way to see if he's lying. OR - call him on that cell number sometime when he's out!
Tough call - but DON'T REACT - take some time so you can ACT rationally and with your goals in mind.
Just reading what you wrote there is a good possibility that kml is right. He isn't talking to her NOW! Obviously he was, as you are looking at proof.
The thing is from what I have read here in piecing it seems several of the S said they broke it off before they actually ended all contact.
Since he didn't know you have proof that he was still talking to her, I might try looking at this like Shiny told me on David lying about OW. That he was still talking to her, he was afraid if he admitted that he hadn't stopped it before September that it would cause him problems with you and he doesn't want to have any problems with you two working out your marriage. He just wasn't up to totally ending it before then.
I really don't know what to say other than don't do anything while upset. That is when I always do the none thinking, let runaway thoughts run the show.
{{{{{{{{{{Tal}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I have AOL's IM on if you want to chat. Sharaluke is my screename.
I mean if you just want someone to vent too!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I was thinking are your instincts telling you anything here or are you too upset to get a good read on them?
I mean most of the time you have been right on about when he is telling you the truth about things or something is going on haven't you?
Just sitting here wondering if you were able to get in touch with any of those or the emotions are playing too much riot right now.
Another thought I had is at times it has worked for you to get through to him to go off on him hasn't it?
I know that doesn't work for me. But was thinking at times he has responded to that, maybe that was further back when he needed to be convinced that you DO care about him and want to work your marriage out.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Pam, he SWORE on his mother's grave that he ended it back at the end of January. He still swears it, and by God if he isn't excellent at lying.
The whole time we've been separated and supposably he was "working to get back together". Going to Counseling with me - LYING to the Counselor.
During the time that the billing is from, he was preparing to move back in. The billing also shows that he was constantly checking his voice mail on his OTHER cell phone frequently on certain days.
He's an F*****ING LYER and has probably been sleeping with her the whole time. Probably still is. F him and his "I feel so guilty" garbage.
