So on Sunday I told my W that I was not going to accept the disrespect of her continuing to have sex with OM. I read DB, followed it pretty darned well, stopped the "more of the same," gave her freedom, didn't bring up the OM, etc., etc. I am going to give myself a lot of credit because, darn it, I deserve it. I've been incredibly strong through all of this. I told her, VERY calmly that her actions were not respectful of me or our marriage, and that I was not leaving her, but the situation. I've taken her photos out of my wallet, "hidden" her updates from my Facebook, and done what I can to be strong in myself and not ruminate on what she's doing. I'm trying to live for myself, GAL, and be as healthy and strong as I can.
Meanwhile I know that the manipulative OM is likely continuing to pursue her and mess with her head, etc. Is there any "art" or "technique" to going dark? Do I just GAL and that's it, leaving everything up to her? What tends to work for people? I am at peace with just about any outcome in which we're both safe and healthy, and to that extent, I guess I haven't totally let go yet. I just can't accept that someone who's been my best friend, soul mate, etc., might end up getting hurt badly by a man who's got nothing but his own sadistic (literally, OM is big into BDSM) pleasures in mind.
I've read your posts and I love the UserID name that you've picked.
Kudos to you for getting out and going dark. In your situation you really need to.
Quote:
Went Dark, What Now? (other than GAL)
Stay Dark.
As dark as dark can be. GAL and the passage of time will ease the pain that you are going through. In my case I went totally pitch black on my wife for 25 days. Everyone's experience is different but I found after 3 weeks I was beginning to feel better and to imagine a life without my W in a positive way. She tried to connect with me all of that time but I answered none of her communication.
I would suggest deleting your wife from your Facebook account altogether. I did with mine, and I deleted her number from my mobile phone.
Quote:
Is there any "art" or "technique" to going dark?
No.
Quote:
Do I just GAL and that's it, leaving everything up to her?
Yes.
Quote:
What tends to work for people? I am at peace with just about any outcome in which we're both safe and healthy
Going dark is for you. It's not a technique or a ploy to get her back, it's to preserve your sanity and mental health. This affair that she's in has about a 99% chance of ending; if you've been good to her and DBed religiously as your post indicates she will try to reconnect with you once it's over if she isn't already.
Please, please, please do not let her move back in with you while OM is still in the picture. I made the dreadful mistake of not being strict enough with my W last year. Even though we live in Australia and OM lives in England, life with her was Hell whilst she was in contact with OM, and in hindsight I would never allow this again.
Good luck. You have my support.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Hi Spirit. When my S started I joined a few volunteer groups and started making a concious effort to not sit at home all alone. Especially when I was feeling down and not like going out. Even if it was just to the beach, I made sure I got out of the house for something that didnt just have to do with work or school.
Yes, you just go dark and wait... while thats going on, you have a great opportunity (It may not seem like it right now, just beleive me) to do some really great things for yourself. Hit the gym, start tanning, buy new clothes, get your hair cut, start hiking, volunteer with the fire dept, you get the idea. Start doing things that make you feel good, and let her worry about whats going on with her.
Im sorry that you find yourself here, good luck!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I've read your posts and I love the UserID name that you've picked.
Kudos to you for getting out and going dark. In your situation you really need to.
Quote:
Went Dark, What Now? (other than GAL)
Stay Dark.
As dark as dark can be. GAL and the passage of time will ease the pain that you are going through. In my case I went totally pitch black on my wife for 25 days. Everyone's experience is different but I found after 3 weeks I was beginning to feel better and to imagine a life without my W in a positive way. She tried to connect with me all of that time but I answered none of her communication.
I would suggest deleting your wife from your Facebook account altogether. I did with mine, and I deleted her number from my mobile phone.
Quote:
Is there any "art" or "technique" to going dark?
No.
Quote:
Do I just GAL and that's it, leaving everything up to her?
Yes.
Quote:
What tends to work for people? I am at peace with just about any outcome in which we're both safe and healthy
Going dark is for you. It's not a technique or a ploy to get her back, it's to preserve your sanity and mental health. This affair that she's in has about a 99% chance of ending; if you've been good to her and DBed religiously as your post indicates she will try to reconnect with you once it's over if she isn't already.
Please, please, please do not let her move back in with you while OM is still in the picture. I made the dreadful mistake of not being strict enough with my W last year. Even though we live in Australia and OM lives in England, life with her was Hell whilst she was in contact with OM, and in hindsight I would never allow this again.
Good luck. You have my support.
What GH said. ^ And KUDOS TO YOU, MTN, for taking a stand. That took some major guts.
I just don't want to do things that come across as passive aggressive in any way, mainly because I want to make sure that I'M not being passive aggressive; its not who I want to be. Any suggestions on deleting someone from FB? Don't they get a notice that I've done that?
Thanks for the recommendation to delete her from my phone. I am gonna look into volunteer opportunities today and I'm trying to contact a guy who told me he'd trade a few hours of labor for free horseback riding lessons.
I'm in graduate school for Acupuncture and have little to no resources, so GAL is requiring some ingenuity d/t financial constraints!
Good luck to all of you! I'm trying to get up to date on everyone else's stories to offer support, but... wow there is tons on this site!
Any suggestions on deleting someone from FB? Don't they get a notice that I've done that?
They don't get a notice that you've done it. I've deleted a whole host of "friends" from my Facebook account and not experienced any bad consequences as a result.
Quote:
Thanks for the recommendation to delete her from my phone.
You're welcome, just get it done. It might feel weird at first but that's OK. For example, when I cut up my credit cards a few weeks ago it felt weird and I went through a very mild kind of "mourning" for a few days but I'm very glad I did it.
Quote:
I'm in graduate school for Acupuncture and have little to no resources, so GAL is requiring some ingenuity d/t financial constraints!
MTNSpirit, if anyone can do it on this board you can.
You have had the guts to do what many betrayed men on this board need to do, but what few actually do. For that reason there's no doubt for me that you can GAL - volunteering is a fantasic idea.
BTW, Puppy here is awesome as is Coach and Phoenixdeux.
One of Coach's favourite quotes is from Admiral James Stockdale of the US Navy who was held in solitary confinement for 7 years in Vietnam. When asked what allowed him to prevail, this is what he answered:
"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
You have confronted the savage and brutal facts of your reality. Going dark will give you the perspective to get your war mind working and come up with an appropriate plan.
Get to it mate. Puppy, Phoenixdeux and Coach will look out for you here and have great advice.
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
MtnSpirit, I am a student and unemployed too. I know what your saying, but volunteering looks really good on scholarships!!!
I think that if you are doing these things solely to try to win her back, it will come across as passive aggressive, because thats exactly what it is. Any changes that you make should be for you, and usually, as a happy coincidence, M's usually follow suit. Its the idea of making positive changes in yourself to affect positive changes in the world around you.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Yeah I guess that when you read all the books that say to go and do things you've wanted to do forever, like joining lessons for things, etc., it's harder to do when you simply can't afford it. I'm getting back into Mountain Biking, getting back into guitar and ready to start playing live again, etc. etc.
Its tough because as much as I really do feel that I'm doing what I'm doing for me, there's still that, "wouldn't it be nice if my best friend was to face some of her fears and become the woman that I know is in there somewhere, again?" that goes on, because even while GAL I am far from having stopped loving W.
Quote:
"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
Awesome quote and one I'll have in my heart from now on! Thanks!
Quote:
You have had the guts to do what many betrayed men on this board need to do, but what few actually do.
I've been REALLY fortunate to have a few key, strong, wise people helping me. One in particular when I sat down with him after telling him my sob story with tears in my eyes (this was before W confirmed an SA and was even denying EA) said to me, "I'm sorry that you're going through a very difficult time right now, but if we're going to 'do this' there are three rules that need to be made clear: First, although you may have a different approach than me, I don't know how to do this if it doesn't come from a Spiritual place, so this needs to be a Spiritual thing for both of us. Second, this is about you, not about her. If she comes to me it'll be about her and not about you. If you both come to me, together, it'll be about both of you. Last - and I know this may sound cruel or harsh right now- but we cannot do this if you are going to consider yourself a victim. The problem with victims is that they are always victims and so long as there are problems, they remain a victim in it. Victims are at the mercy of others, sometimes called abusers, and not themselves. This brings us back to the second rule, and this is about you and how you can change yourself."
I only hope that I can someday have such wisdom to offer others in need.
