Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

You are REACTING to her, trying to get a rise out of her, trying to see if she cares, etc. As long as you do this, she's in control. You still fear losing her. As long as she smells that fear and desperation, she'll continue to keep control in this situation.

You are not attractive if you are reactive and walking on eggshells.

You're right. I am still afraid and trying to analyse every little thing to see if she cares or not. I need to stop doing that but as you said, it's easier said than done.

You see, your wife, right now, really doesn't care what you think. Get this in your head...I'll say it again. RIGHT NOW...she DOESN'T CARE. She acts freely and in her own temporary emotional self-interest. She holds the power. that's why Puupy says she's out divorce-busting you. She doesn't fear losing you. Cause she wants the OM and she knows you'll come back to her at a moment's notice. In fact, if you got hit by a car and died, she'd feel relieved. And all WAS are, more or less like this. They can snap out of it, however.

I think I'll actually keep that last paragraph somewhere safe so I can refer to it.

The only way to detach is not to play mental games, or try techniques, it's to actually care for yourself and become a strong, centered, open-hearted, powerful man. It's time you became a warrior.

I am trying this and making some headway. Things keep sucking me back in again. I need to stop letting them.

Here's something of a plan.

1. Speak to a lawyer/solicitor. Make sure your rights/assets are protected.

Done. Hopefully I will have a draft separation agreement next week and she will have the final one soon afterwards.

2. Read Divorce Recovery. I suggest you look at the sections on Infidelity and the Last Resort Technique (LRT). Remember the LRT is only a temporary measure to restore your sanity and give you modicum of self-respect. Its really a technique..it's a way to artifically regain composure and control. What will REALLY give you control is a strong sense of self and getting rid of the fear of losing your wife. I know...easier said than done.

A lot easier said than done. But I understand that once the fear is gone I can act in a way that benefits me and not her.

3. Stop chasing, pleading, threatening your wife, communicating with OM, etc. It signals desperation and weakness -- definitely not a turn-on.

Done that already. The only communication is about my daughter.

4. Regarding your daughter, it's up to you to determine what's best for her. She's not a weapon to "get" at your wife.

That is really difficult for me. After everything she has done I don't know if she should see my daughter again as she's a very poor role model. However my daughter does want to see her and they have a close relationship. I am simply playing this one by ear.

5. In terms of regaining your sense of self, I recommend three books in the following order: 1. No More Mr. Nice Guy. 2. Hold on to your N.U.T.S and 3. The Way of The Superior Man. All you really need is No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's full of exercizes that focus on YOU, not your wife. It's a systematic plan for helping you become a stong, centered, integrated man. Once that happens, your wife won't become the center (idol) of your life. If your changes are in order to win her back, then she'll though them and still remain the one who holds the power.

Some of the changes I made were actually in place before she left so they are for me not her.
I have the NMMNG book and have been slowly working my way through it.

6. The one who wants/needs the marriage MORE gives up their power.

That's me at the moment. Finally letting go of my wife will allow me to keep my power.

7. Regaining your power means to stop trying to act in attempt to get her to do something or come back.

Because I fear losing her that's what I'm doing. I need to lose that fear.

8. You don't need her to be happy.

I am actually, slowing, beginning to understand that.

Best of luck..I will pray for you today.

Thanks Theoden, I appreciate it.