Thanks for the good news! I will check them out!!! I bet she is adorable!
I'll prob. think about, talk to the L before I would decide anything. I just got 2 nasty emails, one about me obstructing him Tuesdays! (how many is that???) and another re: S15 leaving his sneakers (he needs for PE) at his place yesterday. Upset that I didn't check to make sure he had them. (I remind him each day but he forgot yesterday.) He asked me why I haven't spent my child support money on clothes & shoes for the kids? Gee, probably b/c I spend the money on food, gas, bills, medicines, copays, etc. (I spend $0 on myself other than bills and food and we're living on hot dogs, ramen noodles, etc.)
S15 called him at 6 this am and X didn't answer (b/c I could have picked them up on the way to his school). He called at 7 and said he was out running, so not at his apt. S15 didn't want to go to PE his 1st period b/c of the shoes, (he only has sandals here), so I let him go in 50 minutes late. I mean, some of this is b/c he only has one pair of shoes at his 2 places he lives. It was bound to happen. I emailed X that I will buy S15 shoes when I cash the check today (he was supposed to give it to me today). I ignored all the other stuff which will piss him off even further I'm sure, although not my intention.
The silver lining is: I get some nasty emails from X each week, but at least I'm not facing all his anger on a daily basis like I used to. And life otherwise is pretty much perfect....
Karen, Hi. I've been following your sitch for awhile now from the other board to here. I haven't posted because you've gotten such good comments from everyone else. But, I think that there's something that you need to make clear to your H.
He's forcefully taken over your time on Tuesday with the kids and is now referring to it as his time. From everything I've read, you never agreed to this. I think you need to send a response to the latest "obstruction" message. Be crystal clear that Tuesday is your time according to the schedule you both agreed to. You never agreed to switch Tues to his night. He is forcefully taking the kids against your agreement ie...picking them up from scheduled activities early in order to prevent you from having them, physically taking them from your moving car, yelling at you in public to intimidate you, etc. You are considering the saftey of your children and not intervening. However, that does not imply that you have agreed to this change. Be sure to copy your lawyer on it.
He is trying to document via the emails that you are the problem. I think it's important to document the real sitch. Then, go back to not responding. The side effect of the message just might be a kick in the pants to your lawyer. If she sees everything spelled out like that, maybe she'll do something about this. He should not be allowed to continue this abusive behavior.
I totally agree with Bluestar, Karen. He is making a paper trail of all of the times that "things are forgotten" and that you are "obstructing him on Tuesdays" and that you allowed the kids to get sunburned, etc. etc. etc. He's got it in emails and will try to use that in court with other stuff (whatever he can TWIST into something that shows you are a bad parent). You need to do exactly what bluestar said. HE is the problem, time to get that paper trail going.
Nice to meet you BS--blue star! And thanks for the input Becca!
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He's forcefully taken over your time on Tuesday with the kids and is now referring to it as his time. From everything I've read, you never agreed to this.
That's right. I did agree to having him have the kids Sunday and Monday and every other weekend so less switching back and forth which he said was his reason (from switching from Wed. night and every other weekend). But b/c of Tues. activities switching the kids back and forth repeatedly Tues. doesn't make sense. And he is trying to increase his time from 1.5 to 3.5 days a week with suspicious timing.
Quote:
I think you need to send a response to the latest "obstruction" message. Be crystal clear that Tuesday is your time according to the schedule you both agreed to. You never agreed to switch Tues to his night. He is forcefully taking the kids against your agreement ie...picking them up from scheduled activities early in order to prevent you from having them, physically taking them from your moving car, yelling at you in public to intimidate you, etc. You are considering the saftey of your children and not intervening. However, that does not imply that you have agreed to this change. Be sure to copy your lawyer on it.
I have emailed X about 5 or 6 times saying that I haven't agreed to Tuesday night. I stopped at that point as being a cheeseless tunnel. I have emailed & talked to my L about the taking them from the moving car, yelling at me in public, etc. so she is aware of all that already. Do you think I need to reiterate this to him again just to put all of it in one email or something? I just generally have learned not to respond, and fan the flame of his constant anger. I think just b/c he puts it in an email doesn't make it true, and honestly if he is going to use his emails to me as proof of anything; I think he sounds like a vindictive angry nasty type of person, so I almost would think they might help my cause more than his...But maybe that's wishful thinking!
I understand in general responding to him is a cheeseless tunnel but I do think that it is really important that this one time you send a very clear message to him. Not just to him but also to you. You need to practice standing up to him in a safe environment. He's been bullying you and he's worn you down a little. In an email, you can practice being firm and ignore his response.
I was in an abusive marriage before(not my current marriage)and I've had experience with this kind of behavior. I'm not saying you were abused but right now, his behavior is abusive. It took me five years after I was divorced to be able to see our M for what it was. I couldn't stand up to him and I lost alot in the D.
There is also the chance that putting it all in one email will help him see it for what it is and cause some change.
BTW- lol...BS. I didn't see that my username could be BS.
I agree with bluestar on this, Karen. I've said similar -- you can stand firm against your H, defend your interests and still remain our lovable, kind-hearted Karen: our sunshine lady with the chocolate chip cookies and the V-S top.
Seriously, you need to do this for yourself and you need to do this for your children. I'd stay on your L until she files for a temp. custody hearing. Your H is not to be trusted. While I know you would prefer to keep the peace and I agree it's best to let sleeping dogs lie, this particular dog is not really sleeping, now is he? No, he's always running around causing mayhem.
Ya' gotta' keep after 'em, girl. We're behind you.
I usually 100% agree with y'all. And I did just send the email, with a copy to my L. I don't think he will change though when he sees his behavior in the last month typed up in email. He is abusive, and has been for the past 3 years. Do you think he can't see or realize that he's abusive to me?
I am going to start spending the rest of the time until Dec. 7th working on the divorce. I think it's going to be very ugly sadly. I don't think much I do can change that either....
I agree with you that sending your H an email is not going to change him. But the purpose of standing up to to your H is not to change him, per se, but to show him you have boundaries he needs to observe or else.
He is indeed very abusive, mainly via his total disrespect and his aggressive encroachment on your boundaries. What's worse, and you're right again, he knows he's being abusive. It is all too plain to see that he wants to intimidate you. (He must have been a school-yard bully when he was growing up, 'cause that's how he acts.)
That's why we urge you to continue to stand your ground -- because anything that seems like appeasement to someone like your H will not bring you peace, but more abuse.
A temporary custody hearing should give just enough of a reality check to your H to at least get him to back off some. It will also protect you and your children more so than the nebulous --and thereby seemingly (to him) malleable-- arrangement you have now with H.
If you make this stand, I say via your worthless L,it will help create a boundary. It will let him know that you are not messing around and that you are done with him pushing all the time. Will he try other means? Perhaps, but Karen if you let him continually take from you, you will eventually have nothing left.
Draw your line in the sand.
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
And thanks for the input Becca! 