Originally Posted By: robx
Not sure but this can't be a unique occurrence,
and I really don't see it mentioned much on this site.
The LBS goes through so much crap with the WAS that they in turn become the WAS, it can't be unheard of that a person reaches their own personal threshold of tolerance with a WAS that treats them extremely poorly. The psychology isn't unique for just one person, repeat the same circumstances & environment and produce the same results for the other person and presto! You have 2 spouses running in opposite directions from each other, db'ing can't exist in a vacuum.


Yes, but I can't help feel that the initiator(s) is a coward. I was, in my limited disconnect from my M and my W is being one now. The whole "fog" thing. In the beginning the WAS has a potentially functional R right there in front of him/her. It's amazingly simple (though dedication is the hard part).

The LBS MUST move on through necessity. I have move through the pain and rebuild. Once the WAS comes to his/her senses (if at all) there is only the tatters of a R to work with. That may often be a good thing, but I think that usually it is best to address the existing problems rather than merely ignore them.

I read something about WASes being ultimate dbers. But they aren't divorce BUSTING, are they? They are divorce CREATING. The skills are just skills. I'm much more interested in the intent than the process or the techniques.

My W isn't GALing to save the M. In fact, I don't think much of her changes are emotionally healthy. Her perceived goal may be for a good reason but I doubt there's a deeper fulfillment in her weekend excursions. She's practically told me how she just wants to escape.

When she crashes and realizes the deeper love between us I won't be in a process of avoidance (like she is now). I will be healing. I think there's a huge difference. I also think there's a similarity, that she's trying to heal. I don't believe she actually is healing, though. I think she's covering up the grief and resentment and won't truly heal until she's ready to face the pain.

But... I think for practical purposes the LBS should be considered a WAS when or if a WAS wants to reconcile. I won't want tons of "I love you's" and pressure if my W wants me back in a year or so. It wouldn't work. I think if it does happen I'll go out and buy her a copy of DR and let her figure it out.

Last edited by M A Holm; 10/15/09 10:03 PM.

~Mark

Me: 38
W: 34
Together: 9yrs
1st M: may '03
1st D: april '08
1st bomb: june '08
remarried: oct '08
2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)