First, thank you all for your advice. I have read both books and the LRT seems to be best for me at this point in time. The TV is in the living room, we do not have tv's in our room or the kids rooms not good for sleeping:) We were in the living room when that happened. I am def. not pushing him into therapy, I just made a suggestion to him because he said he was depressed sometimes but I said it is totally cool with me if you do not want to go, it is not for everyone. You are SO right, his moods effect me in so many ways and I do get nervous when I am alone with him because I am not sure how he will respond.
Honestly we do not argue..he does..when he is drunk. I just want to be respected, adored, and he has never cared if I was there or not. I just feel as if he has used me and that has been the biggest issue in our marriage..that and the fact that he is secretive...I did not trust him to begin with but I realize some of that had to do with the fact that I was insecure..I will take part of the blame for that. I will take the blame for nagging about him leaving..but only partly...because he has left me so many times, he always comes back but he has left me. That has really left me with this lack of security that families deserve esp. kids. I love him...I love the OLD him..I do not like this new him..when he is not drinking...he is who I could see spending the rest of my life with..but when he is drinking NO WAY!!! I will damage the kids..and I am not willing to sacrafice anything for that! At this point the only 180 I could do is to leave and I will not leave my house, I have already lost 40 lbs, GAL'ed for the most part( I had a life before) I stopped bringing up my ex best friend, I do not nag, I left HIM the night he left. I dont know what else I could do to shock him..I already walk away when we fight. I really am at a loss..he really DOES NOT LOVE ME..and that is all there is to it.
