WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Just more journaling

I got caught up in traffic on Friday so I couldn't get back in time to pick up my boys from school. I had to call my WAW to pick them up for me (first time since I started work in NY). She was annoyed that I didn't give her more notice. I told her that I have already been on the road for a 3 hours and it looks like I'm about 1.5 hours away. It looked like I was going to miss picking them up by 30 minutes. I had tried to call her earlier but she didn't answer her cell or desk phone. I told her that I even tried to call her mom but she didn't answer either.

She was still irritated when she said she would get them. She called me after she picked up our 3 year old and was heading over to pick up our 7 year old. I thanked her for picking them up and then she started venting about her day/week. I let her vent a little and then offered that if she wanted to, she could take them to dinner and I would join them and would pick up the tab. She said she already had it worked out to drop them off at the farm that her mom was helping out at (the boys like to pick berries and see the chickens and other farm animals).

I then asked her about Sat (our 10 year anniversary) about how she had never gotten back to me with an answer, other than she thought it would be weird to grab dinner together. She said she didn't think it was a good idea as in the past she had felt that I had never wanted to celebrate it and it would just bring back bad memories. I told her that regardless of how this turns out, I still look at our anniversary in a positive way as I have two boys that I will always love and cherish. So whether we are just mom and dad in the future and no longer husband and wife, I have no regrets of the last 10 years. She said she agreed. Then I hung up.

Sat was a busy day (good thing since it helped keep my mind off of what day it was). I took the boys to their dentist appointment. She had her appointment right before the boys. The boys didn't see her, but I saw her in one of the rooms as we walked by. She sent me a text asking if I needed her to stay and help. I text that we were good. She then text ok. I text back - have a good 10-10 (our anniversary). She text back you too.

I then took the boys to their first cub scout event. The boys had a blast. We ate lunch with the scout troops. I ran into a few friends a I knew. It was a good time.

We had to leave early to meet our friends for an early dinner and get ready for the parade. Dinner was fun and the obys were really excited to be in a parade. They got into their costumes as well as my friends and I since we were in the parade as well.

We got to the parade and we checked out all the other floats and fire trucks and stuff that was going to be in the parade while we waited for it to start. It was a blast. After the parade, we went to an after parade party. We didn't get home till almost 11:30.

The one bummer was during the parade, she text me "Just realized I'm having the same ann dinner I had 8 years ago...." I had no idea what that meant. I know she normally gets filet mignon so I wasn't sure it was that or she was out at the resturant that we went to 8 years ago or whatever. I didn't reply.

On Sunday, my boys were still beat from being up so late. They still got up around 7:30 :-( although that was about an hour past the time the normally woke up. We went out for breakfast and went to a car show. We had lunch and the 3 of us wound up taking a nap. We woke up to play some baseball, grabbed some dinner and they got ready for their mom to pick them up.

I buckled them in and my 3 year old was really huggy and kept saying he would miss me. My 7 year old looked a little sad, but he cheered up some when I let him "choke" me with his bear hug. I said that I would skype them tomorrow.

After they drove away, my WAW called asking if I had given our 3 year old any medicine (he was coming down with a cold). I told her no, just some vitamins. She asked when I was leaving to go to NY. I told her not till 4AM as I had forgotten to get a hotel for Sunday nite since I was getting an apt on Monday. She asked if it was a hotel apt, I told her no, it was a regular apt. She just said oh. So I hung up.

She text me about 3 AM to tell me my 3 year old was really sick and was asking if I had to go in on Monday. I thanked her for letting me know and asked her to give him a hug and kiss of me and told her that he could call me if he wanted to talk with me. She text back ok.

So I made the drive into NY at 4AM and I am beat. It is going to be a long day, but at least I get my apt today. I'm a little down about it as it seems so permanent now that I will be in NY. When I was in a hotel, it felt like I was just there temporarily. Now it feels more permanent. I don't want to be so far away from my boys. Not sure if I'm just tired or what, but I've got an ache in my gut from today.

So goes another weekend with my boys.....

[sandi2]

I don't want to be so far away from my boys. Not sure if I'm just tired or what, but I've got an ache in my gut from today.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I know you hurt and are working so hard to do what you need to do. You are amazing to me. So many young men would be thinking about dating other women instead of counting the hours until they saw their children. But, your boys are all you think about. I know they are you life and you are giving them 100% of all you can do for them.

What about your job? Are you happy with that? It makes me tired just thinking about the traffic....lol. How far do you have to drive to work each day? I think that you pour so much of yourself into each weekend that you have to be exhausted on Mondays. Probably takes all week to kind of catch up and then it's time to leave again.

Did you get everything you needed for your apartment? That is a huge job, isn't it?

Well, hope you get to bed early and catch up on some sleep. Hope little one doesn't have the flu and gets well quickly. Talk later.

[confusedinpa]

Hi "Mom"

It has been a long day. I got my keys to my apt and spent the better part of the evening cleaning. I did take a couple hour break to grab some dinner and a couple of beers with one of my friends from work. He wasn't planning on going out but I think he sensed it had been a hard day for me. That is what friends are about....

I did get my apt today. It was a very erie anti-climatic type of feeling. I thought it would be a positive but with all the negatives over the past couple of days, it was very hard for me to be happy about it. That's why I was glad that my friend was available to grab a couple of beers and dinner.

The past weekend was really tough, as it should have been our 10th anniversary on 10/10. I had such high expectations 10 years ago. I was glad to spend it with people I loved and who loved me, but I never would have guessed my wife would not have been there.... It is sad and it hurts. I know this is just a moment I need to get past. I was ok on Sat, even with the text. But now that I am sitting in the apt by myself it is really hitting me.

I tried to call a couple of folks, but they weren't available. I know I just need to "man up" and get through it.

I think I'm at the point that the next time she text me some "nonsense" not related to the boys to ask her to stop and that she should send it to her boyfriend or whoever else she is close to at that moment.

Then again, that could be the fact that I've been up since 3 AM and I'm just frustrated and tired.

Guess I should get to bed before I do something really stupid....

[sandi2]

You are doing a great job. Please don't be so hard on yourself about your feelings over your anniversary. It is very normal to have those feelings. But don't send her any TM or emails while you are feeling like you do. Remember, don't act out of emotions b/c you will be sorry whenever you do that. Hold off about her silly TM's until you are fully rested again.

IDK.....I have wondered about those silly TM's and think that is her way of trying to make a connection with you, but then why didn't she take you up on your offer to go to dinner on your anniversary? I was surprised that she didn't. Oh well, can't stew over that.

Hope you get some rest and you'll feel more like working on the apartment.

Take care

[MrBond]

Hi CIPA,

Sorry to hear about how the weekend turned out. Can't say I'm surprised though. Your W does just enough contacting to be sure you're not seeing anyone and are still interested in her.

I would seriously suggest the same thing that I've said since the beginning. STOP with the chit chat. The next time she calls about the kids, then goes into how her day was, just tell her you were with someone. Do this EVERY time. If she asks who, just say she doesn't know her. And that you've got to go. That's it.

Let that little seed sit in her head. I can guarantee you that she's going to be stewing about who this person is. The fact that she used your anniversary as a way of bringing up her "hurt" again is her playing the victim card. You should have just said, okay, whatever, just thought I'd ask before I made plans.

Do not answer all her calls. Let it go to VM.

You can do this.

[confusedinpa]

It took me a couple of days, but I got past the anniversay doldrums. I got settled into my apt somewhat. I did talk to my boys each nite, just by phone. She said she didn't have time to set up skype on Tuesday. I was a little annoyed but didn't let it bother me as I had fun talking with my boys.

My 3 year old was still sick but was starting to come around. I know she gets extremely agitated/frustrated when she is home with him/them for extended periods when they are sick. They can be very difficult.

I got back into the routine of going out to eat dinner with friends (there was a few day period where I would just grab take out and eat in my hotel room alone). I realized it was not healthy sitting in my hotel room alone. I didn't get to run this week as the weather is miserable (it flurried today - ACK!) and I don't have access to a gym yet. One of my friends belongs to a gym and another has a fitness center in his apt complex so I'm going to utilize one of those.

No progress in the relationship with my WAW but I'm back on a better slope. I still miss my boys and really look forward to talking with them every nite but am finding time to enjoy my time with friends and by myself. (Thanks for the reminders "Mom")

I'm not sure if it's because I feel like I've made my last noble effort by inviting her to dinner for our anniversary or I'm just fed up and tired of all her nuttiness and stupidity. I do realize that I've done all that I've could to get her to see that there may be a path back. I know I can't drag/trick (nor do I want to) her back on it nor can I do anymore to make the path any more enticing. It's now up to her to head down that path. If she ever does take that path, I'm not sure if she'll still find me there for her.

While I would love to try to renew my marriage with my WAW, I see that, for my boys and I, we need to continue to head forward and upward in life. This "waiting/stagnation" position is not what's in the best of interest of the boys or I. The boys need to see that from me.

So I find myself in a better place...... for the moment :-)

Thanks for everyone's continued support, encouragement and wisdom.

[Coach]

While I would love to try to renew my marriage with my WAW, I see that, for my boys and I, we need to continue to head forward and upward in life. This "waiting/stagnation" position is not what's in the best of interest of the boys or I. The boys need to see that from me.

I have been praying and hoping you would "get" this peace for yourself. I am glad for you to really start taking care of yourself.
Cheers
Coach

[confusedinpa]

Just more journaling. My WAW had to pick up our 3 year old on Friday as they lost water so they closed early. I asked if she wanted to join me and the boys for dinner but she quickly declined. I don't know why I asked, probably more out of habit than anything. I got mad at myself for asking. But I then asked her to drop off our son at home. She asked if she could drop off at a parking lot about 3 miles from our home instead. I said sure, but was annoyed. I got there first and she pulled in behind me and called me on my cell to let me know that they were behind me. I got out and got my son. I got him and his stuff out of her car and she didn't even say goodbye to him nor I before pulling out to leave.

My 3 year old was upset that she didn't say goodbye. I comforted him and we went and picked up his brother. We at dinner at home and the kids played. It was good to be home with the boys. I was on edge as I was annoyed with my WAW so I know I snapped at my boys a couple of times. Guess I still need to detach, but I was more annoyed that my 3 year old was upset, than anything.

On Sat we went to NYC to visit my mom and family. I took the boys to the museum of natural history (Night at the Museum was one of their favorite movies). My 7 year old loved seeing the dinosaurs and my 3 year old ran to give the easter island statue a hug when he saw him. It was great.

Sunday we went to Chucky Cheese since it was so cold and rainy out. We had a good time. I was sad going back to NY on Sunday again.

It is a very hard day for me today. Not sure if it's because of how distant/apart I feel from my boys today. I think part of it is that the friends I normally hang out with are not available today so I feeling alone again. Really crappy.

I know I need to just man up and keep moving forward with my life. I was suppose to go buy a couch today for my apt but I'm not motivated to do so. I just want to go back to my apt and sit but know that is not healthy. I really need to go join a gym so I can go run or something. Guess I'll go do that today so I'm somewhat productive.....

Better than sitting in my apartment feeling sorry for myself. I know I shouldn't. I will survive to thrive. This is a bad day.....

I think part of the problem is that I was on edge this weekend with all the crap and I snapped at my boys a few times. My 3 year old doesn't get phased, but I know my 7 year old was really hurt by it a few times. I did try to appologize and let him know I was sorry but I know I need to be a better, stronger man than that.

I know tomorrow will be a better day...

[Gardener]

I just want to go back to my apt and sit but know that is not healthy. I really need to go join a gym so I can go run or something. Guess I'll go do that today so I'm somewhat productive....Better than sitting in my apartment feeling sorry for myself. I know I shouldn't. I will survive to thrive. This is a bad day.....

You don't neeed a gym, buddy, just move. Get up. Get out. Move. Try a funny one I used to tell my kids when they were young and bummed about something: "Skip!" That's right, skip. like when you were a kid. If you've got the room, skip. It's impossible to skip and feel bad. It's impossible to skip and not smile and laugh giddily. True

I think part of the problem is that I was on edge this weekend with all the crap and I snapped at my boys a few times. My 3 year old doesn't get phased, but I know my 7 year old was really hurt by it a few times. I did try to appologize and let him know I was sorry but I know I need to be a better, stronger man than that.

Good. Now apologize to yourself, too. And forgive yourself. You're human. You're hurting. Even your kids sense that.

[confusedinpa]

I wound up going for a run outside. It was cold out but it was the first time I ran outside in years. It was a good feeling. No idea how far I ran but I went for about 20 minutes. It helped me clear my head.

I talked to my cousin. He really helped get my head back straight too. He reminded me of what everyone here has told me. I can not rely on others to be happy. I need to get back to being happy and strong by myself. I need to enjoy my interests outside of my boys and family. Plus he reminded me that although the situation with my WAW is crappy I still need to be happy for what I had during those years and what I still have now.

I need to look at this is the time for me. I can't let this crap drive me into a MLC. I need to get back out there to enjoy life.

I did have a great skype session with my boys. I texted her to get the boys Ono skype. She said they were still taking showers so i toldher I would wait. They got on and my 7 year old was very excited. He told me that he wrote in his weekend journal at school that he road a subway and about the museum. He had a great smile and we joked and laughed. Then my 3 year old got on and he showed me something that he "wrote" and then we did hugs and kisses.

It was great to see the boys again.

So I made it through another day so I'm now just 4 days from seeing my boys again...