Return to the Pack

[sage]

Hey Tal,

I can totally relate to the news = funk standpoint. Kobe, the Petersen story...even Halle Berry and all the swirl that goes along with it.

And then I thought of the things that will probably stick in my mind the longest: those times that I knew in my gut that Wolfie was lying to me about something, and he was lying to me with a small, cruel little smile on his face. All of the sudden it occurred to me that he didn't cheat on me...

...he cheated AT me. There was definately an element of vindictiveness about it, but I don't think he'll ever admit that even to himself.

There's NO question in my mind that it's the lying phase (when I suspected but had no proof) that I finding so hard to forgive and "forget". I can **almost** understand the "I crossed a line without knowing it" mantra (OK, no I really can't...but I guess if one didn't have the boundary alert system that I do, well, maybe) but what I can't fathom is the conscious lying the "she's asking me and I must protect myself" decision. In kinder, gentler times I think "well, if he had really wanted to be with ow he would have come clean ..." but the not-so-kind part of me is just floored, stunned, unbelieving that h could have disliked me THAT much to just lie to my face over and over again.

I dunno...I never really thought of it as strongly as "vindictiveness" but I also haven't been able to see it (more kindly) as a manifestation of his pain and confusion.

I start thinking that Laci Peterson could very well have been on this bb. She could have suspected that her H was having an A. She could have known that her H was having an affair and was trying to DB because she didn't want to lose her marraige and she was pregnant. I remember wondering that very thing when I first started posting on these bb's.

I think I've mentioned that a year ago I found out that my mother is the ow to a man that she knew in HS. They reconnected a few years ago so now she's having an affair with a man who's been married for 40+ years. Anyway...I rarely deal with my mother anymore because of the horrible things that she said during the disclosure conversation (note that the conversation occurred during the "I suspect but didn't know" phase AND my mother had no idea of our marital issues). anyway, she told me that she now realized that an affair was really the LBS' fault (this is from a woman who HAD been cheated on during her m to my father!) and that since the w. probably KNEW and "wasn't doing anything about it", well, then she must be OK with it. Apparently my mother had forgotten the utter powerlessness (or feeling, that is) of knowing in your heart that your s. is cheating and not having a clue how to stop that freight trade.

arrrgh.

anyone want to trade mothers?

Sage