Keep Your Hands Offa My Mojo

[Kettricken]

You may be right.

I wonder what percentage of reconciliations can be attributed to both the original *and* the 'collateral damage' WAS hanging in there, temporally, through their respective WAS phases....and what factors might play into that.

[robx]

Not sure but this can't be a unique occurrence,
and I really don't see it mentioned much on this site.
The LBS goes through so much crap with the WAS that they in turn become the WAS, it can't be unheard of that a person reaches their own personal threshold of tolerance with a WAS that treats them extremely poorly. The psychology isn't unique for just one person, repeat the same circumstances & environment and produce the same results for the other person and presto! You have 2 spouses running in opposite directions from each other, db'ing can't exist in a vacuum.

[orangedog]

Maybe what you and Rob and O'dog are describing is just part of the process, though. Maybe you guys just naturally pull back, disconnect, take a break at times even though it seems counterintuitive and even though there is more emotion to be processed.

Could be self-protection too. Just don't want to get hurt anymore so we don't go there.

Sometimes it's not another negative experience that hurts but a positive one. It brings up emotions and memories of what used to exist.

[TooLateForMe]

Not sure but this can't be a unique occurrence,
and I really don't see it mentioned much on this site.
The LBS goes through so much crap with the WAS that they in turn become the WAS, it can't be unheard of that a person reaches their own personal threshold of tolerance with a WAS that treats them extremely poorly. The psychology isn't unique for just one person, repeat the same circumstances & environment and produce the same results for the other person and presto! You have 2 spouses running in opposite directions from each other, db'ing can't exist in a vacuum.

Yes, but I can't help feel that the initiator(s) is a coward. I was, in my limited disconnect from my M and my W is being one now. The whole "fog" thing. In the beginning the WAS has a potentially functional R right there in front of him/her. It's amazingly simple (though dedication is the hard part).

The LBS MUST move on through necessity. I have move through the pain and rebuild. Once the WAS comes to his/her senses (if at all) there is only the tatters of a R to work with. That may often be a good thing, but I think that usually it is best to address the existing problems rather than merely ignore them.

I read something about WASes being ultimate dbers. But they aren't divorce BUSTING, are they? They are divorce CREATING. The skills are just skills. I'm much more interested in the intent than the process or the techniques.

My W isn't GALing to save the M. In fact, I don't think much of her changes are emotionally healthy. Her perceived goal may be for a good reason but I doubt there's a deeper fulfillment in her weekend excursions. She's practically told me how she just wants to escape.

When she crashes and realizes the deeper love between us I won't be in a process of avoidance (like she is now). I will be healing. I think there's a huge difference. I also think there's a similarity, that she's trying to heal. I don't believe she actually is healing, though. I think she's covering up the grief and resentment and won't truly heal until she's ready to face the pain.

But... I think for practical purposes the LBS should be considered a WAS when or if a WAS wants to reconcile. I won't want tons of "I love you's" and pressure if my W wants me back in a year or so. It wouldn't work. I think if it does happen I'll go out and buy her a copy of DR and let her figure it out.

[CityGirl]

I must be part man. Because I tend to side with the men LBS about getting some balls (I want mine to be sparkly though so I still look somewhat lady like) and just saying enough is enough. If you choose not to respect that is fine but stay the hell out of my life.

You know, when my 1st attny left the firm I was given a new attny. My first attny was a woman who I loved. My 2nd attny was a man and he and I mostly spoke over the phone and e-mail. When he saw me he started to laugh. I asked him what he was laughing at and he said YOU. I said why? (Just for the record he is a very nice man and not creepy at all) and he said when I read your messages you come across as so direct and strong in your stance and in walks this tiny little lady that looks like a kid. For the record I am 34, just over 5 feet and weigh 105 pounds.

So maybe I am part man because I get what the dudes are saying. Now, I didnt get here overnight but eventually I did. I am not happy, sad... just in the present in a good way. Who needs all this BS? Who needs TWENTY months of this BS? Not me.

I honestly do not think I could ever trust my H again. Not with something big or little. He has asked how he can earn my trust back and I told him its doubtful you could. He was supposed to follow through w/something very small last week and still has not done it. Actions do speak louder than words. I wont say a word about it because then he falls back to his "nothing I do is good enough" or "I was trying to give you space" (a.k.a things are going better with GF).

CityGirl <----did not just fall off the turnip truck

[TooLateForMe]

Correct me if I'm wrong, Citygirl, but you are an LBS. You don't have to be a man to need some juevos to get through this stuff. And sparkly balls are just as good as long as you put them to good use.

You can wear them as earrings.

[kara]

Re: M A Holm's 1st post on this page

Well said. Very well said!

[SmileysPerson]

@Kettricken - I don't want to put too fine a point on this, but

(a) I'm on a white ship drifting through a fog, floating on the tide, and

(b) according to my journal, 6 years ago today I watched a feral dog munching on a human arm and, later that night, slept through a rocket explosion that vaporized a 19-year-old kid in his cot about 200 meters away.

So, ah, no - not a gambit. It's divorce - it ain't life or death. WAW got the lay of her life. Bully for her. Everyone deserves to go to the moon.

[iwantittowork]

The LBS goes through so much crap with the WAS that they in turn become the WAS,

I am doing this right now, in fact, I pack and leave tomorrow and through this weekend.

Mostly I realized it was for my emotional protection. I need to get away from this as the longer I stay, the more that WAW could care less about my feelings and what's happening. It's only a matter of time before PA happens with her, if not already.

I can not stay in the same place with her while this happens. I find coming home just to much stress on myself now.

[Kettricken]

I imagine that those of us who have always slept in warm soft beds except when we chose otherwise -- this includes your wife -- find it difficult to comprehend how different your POV must be. "It's all small stuff" on a wholly different level than we are accustomed to imagining.

This is not your problem, unless you choose to make it so.

Although you did ask, Why the defiant and continuous WAWliness? I but attempted to provide a possible, partial answer.