My husband is a database analyst/architect. He, too, has experienced plenty of disagree between what works at work and what works in personal relationships. You are facing a learning curve here, and there's nothing wrong with that.
On the job, would you dive in and immediately start forcing or implementing radical changes in a new system you didn't know well?
You may have thought you knew your marriage and your wife well, but current events would argue otherwise. This is the listening and observation stage for you. Clearly, you *can't* handle it the way you would at work (by asking a million questions), but you can contemplate the things she has told you already and do some solid reading on the subject (I believe you've had some good book recommendations already; I would *also* recommend "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch.) Take full advantage of this part of the process, and then eventually you'll be able to take *actions* that stand a good chance of improving your life.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
