The anger and control issues could definitely be products of his low self esteem. He does not sound like he likes himself very much and probably perceives (real or not, his perception is all that's important for the moment) that he did not receive the love/support from his mother/father as a child. These are BIG deals.
What can you do to help pump up/massage his ego. Given where you are, I would start out real small. Compliments go a long way. Remember, we males are really just little boys in a man's body. There is a certain aspect of us that still craves approval, especially from female figures. And, I think you can do this in a way that is not desperate, insincere or comes across as you seeking something for yourself by complimenting him.
If his self esteem is in the crapper, then depression, in some amount/severity is also at work. Coach recommended a great book to me that helped me turn from a pessimist into an optimist - "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It might help you understand your H's thought process better and why he may be a pessimist.
Now, complimenting him does NOT include being a doormat. When he raises his voice with you or gets on a personal attack, call him on it. Do it calmly, but set that boundary. If he won't have a civil discussion like a grown up, then tell him conversation's over until we can have a civil discussion like adults.
As for his blaming you for everything, I suspect he's doing that, at least in part, to get you engaged in an argument. Let it roll off. A few times of that, and will probably stop doing it b/c it's not getting the result he was hoping for.
Obviously, C would help him a great deal, assuming he had the right C. But, he's a big boy, and you cannot make him go.
I love this. You are so right, GIMA. I think he needs to feel superior to me so that he can deny to himself what his own problems are = because in his mind, he has to be perfect or he's nothing. He projects this on me, I'm seen as the failure, he's perfect again and he can hide from his low self esteem once again. He's less interested in the arguments any more - he'd rather blast me and walk away. But he is interested in hiding his own faults.
According to his mom, his father was very hard on him growing up - telling him how hard he'd have to work or else he'll end up living in a cardboard box. Through high school he was expected to hold a job and get straight a's - which of course he did. He called him mom crying once in college because he got an A- and he thought it would end his career possibilities.
so I'm the artist, the mom. I am fluid and in the moment with my child. I sew and paint and play music and perform. I lose my phone or keys occaisionally, don't always get the library books back in time. He is precise, meets every deadline, and knows where all his stuff is at any moment. He sees it now that he is the most responsible person in our marriage. However, I see that I am the one who is responsible for taking care of the emotional world of our family - our marriage and our child. So he fails to see that we are each weak where the other is strong and that is what drew us together in the first place.
So I inconvenience him by losing things occaisionally, he inconveniences me by not having control over his emotions. Neither of us is perfect and I need to remember this because he won't.
