PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Puppy -

Yes, I am in communal property state, 50/50. However, the condo we own together has a contract on it for short sale currently. It is possible that we will have to come up with some funds to get the sale approved and get out of it. This will use up all of his retirement account and we have no other savings. We started this process at the beginning of the year after we reconciled from my initiated separation. We decided to short sale condo, help get us out from underneath the debt, and lease something until we could pay off credit card debt, restore credit and try to buy something again in a few years. So much for that plan.

We are both on the lease in the place we are in. H pays all the bills except for groceries/household items/my gas/personal items which I pay for from my part-time job income. H had initiated me having this part-time job vs. getting full-time job year and a half ago and only asked that I take care of groceries/household items and have time to clean/cook and take care of managing house. Funny now, how it always gets thrown up in my face the money issues of me not having/making enough money to support myself and that he pays for everything when I am in the situation that he had proposed.

Again, lesson learned, always make sure to be able to provide for myself.

[Ready2Change]

Hey,

There is no screwing up, only opportunities to learn and grow. You did your best, and making positive changes in the way you interact with S. Keep doing what works and stop doing what does not work. Just being cognoscente of how your actions affect his reactions is a great change.....

HUGS

[aflowergurlie]

Thanks for the words of encouragement R2C, appreciate it! HUGS back at cha.

Think I committed DBing suicide last night.

H was not home all weekend and no contact with him.

Monday -
I was in my bathroom with the door closed but my bedroom door was left open. Had just got out of shower and heard H get home. Started getting ready and few minutes later H knocks on my bathroom door. I didn't open it because I wasn't dressed yet. Conversation through the door:
Me - "Yeah."
H - "Hey"
Me - "Oh, Hey."
H - "How was your weekend?"
Me - "Good, really good."
H - "Oh, ok then, well I just wanted to say Hi. I'll see you later."
Me - "Oh, ok, well have a good day, bye."
AFG thinks ???, what was that all about?

I had to take some medicine last week to help me with some female problems. This medication has made me emotional in the past within a few days of taking it. Over the weekend, I started feeling that way, but tried to resolve myself to getting a grip and handle on it and not let myself get too overwhelmed with my emotions even though I was contending with multiple factors all at once (finding more OW hair, Friday nights convo with H, Saturday's discovery in his drawer, and physical/emtional/mental altering from the medicine & my period). I should have taken all that and resolved myself to distance and stay away from H last night.

Last night, H comes home from work. "Have you been to the gym yet?" Me - "No." H - "You wanna go with me?" Me - "Ok, I'll go." Ride with him to gym. On way there, I'm already thinking in my head to myself why am I doing this? What is the point of me spending this time with him? He leaves for the whole weekend to go have his playtime with OW and then comes home during week to me and a clean house, cooked meals and "gym time". There is so much wrong with this picture I don't even know where to begin. I'm tired and I don't want to do this anymore. In meantime, H is chatting about work, and tidbits of his weekend. At one point talks about "we" were at Chili's yesterday and blah, blah, blah. Doesn't say who "we" is of course, but he doesn't have to. I start thinking again, I don't want to hear another word about him and where he has been and what he has been doing. I just don't even want to know this person anymore.

On way home from gym, he was chatting for a little while and I was really quiet and didn't have much to say. Get home, and I decide to ask him for the black & white box back out of his room (this is the box where the lotion and massage oil had previously been when I put it in his room 4 months ago). He asks me why I want it back and we go round and round for a few mins with me saying there's just some stuff in there that I want out of it now and I really don't have to explain myself to him anymore anyways. He hesitates and keeps trying to stall but I just asked if I could have it now please. H goes to his room and I can see him go into closet where box is but door is blocking seeing what he is doing in the box. Seems like he is taking stuff out of it and putting back in closet. So I ask What are you taking out of there? H - Just some empty boxes I put in there. (BS., who knows what else was in there, glad I didn't see though.) So brings box out to me and says "I took the KY out and threw it away a while ago." I looked him straight in the face and said "No, you didn't, but that's ok." and started walking away. H - "What do you mean, I threw it away." I lost all self-control at this point. Me - "I can handle a lot, but I can't handle the lies." and start marching towards his bedroom as he is following me. Open nightstand drawer and pull out lotion and oils "Yeah, you threw them away, that's why they're right here, but you threw them away." H - "Oh, well I thought I had thrown them away. (Still lying.) So you're digging in my room now?" Which I knew he would go there. Me - "Nope, didn't dig, haven't been in here in 4 months now. Wanted my list of activities back and last time I saw 4 months ago was sitting right on top of the nightstand. Saw you cleaned off and thought you probably just shoved in the drawer. Didn't expect to find this, only wanted my list." H - "Well, just so you know she hasn't been here. And you could have just asked me for it. You didn't have to come in here and dig through my stuff. I haven't done that to you. I always ask you if I need something out of your room." Me - "You're right I should have asked so that's on me and I didn't handle it properly. But you lying, that's on you. I'm done with this all. I want a divorce. We both know we need to get this over with." H - "Ok, that's fine."

We both go into office. H sits down while I stand in doorway. Me - "I know you have already made your mind up that I was digging in your room but I can stand here before god and tell you that I did not and have not dug through your room. I have purposefully stayed out of there for months now and you know that. I only wanted my list back." H - "Why did you want that list?" Me - Start getting choked up with tears "Because I am focusing on my future now and there are still a lot of things on that list that I want to do." H - "So why did you want the box back?" with an implication in his tone that I had set him up. Me - "There's a few things in there that I wanted as well. I'm sorry this is not how I wanted things to go down. I took that medicine and I feel like I can't control my emotions right now and am acting crazy." H - "Yes, I can see that." Me - Start crying really hard. H gets up and comes to me and starts hugging me, says "I just feel really bad because you're crying." Me - "I'm sorry I invaded your privacy, I didn't mean to." I tried to pull away from hug but he kept holding me for just a little bit longer.

H then talks to me about where I should get myself a job at so I can save money to leave. Then says "Well, there's a big elephant in the room now and we have a lot to go over and talk about now. (My interpretation, meaning about splitting things up, how things will be handled.) Can we talk about this tomorrow because it's late?" Me - "Yes, good-night." H - "Good-night." I went to bed and didn't see him for rest of night or this morning.

My mind says I've reached my limit and that this is something I have to do given our history and its affect on me. My heart says there's still fight left in me yet, don't give up. Whatever the final outcome, I have to get out from living with him and this situation. Separation is the only answer and will be my only relief as far as I can see at the moment. ???

[aflowergurlie]

Well yesterday went along pretty much as if Monday night never happened. Met up in kitchen after H got home from work. H said friendly Hi to me first. I put dishes away and started some dinner while he sat at kitchen bar and chatted about his day and other odds and ends. Told me he forgot to tell me that he had given some of my homemade chicken soup to workmate/gym buddy last week and asked him next day if he had eaten the soup. H's friend said "Yes, and that was the best chicken soup I've ever had! Wow, she can really cook." H tells him "Yes, yes, she can really cook." Score for me!!! Even asked me how I had been feeling (meant physically) at one point.

Then while in kitchen with me still working in there H's phone rings and I could hear female voice on other end. He proceeded to stay there in front of me for a minute and talk and then went into office. I overheard a little of convo about him doing research for a car and about switching out vehicles. I'm assuming he is taking care of some of OW vehicle needs now as that is part of his career and what he likes to do for others as a nice gesture. (Has always done these types of things for me, family, and close friends.) I wanted to stop listening to convo or have to hear anymore, so I started humming to myself and then turned on the garbage disposal which is very loud and annoying. When I turned off, H was in his room with door closed. LOL.

I finished making dinner and took my dinner to my room and closed the door. Normally, as of late, I would have stayed out in common area and ate in LR or at kitchen bar. But I think I just needed some space and distance last night, coming off of Monday nights ordeal.

Interesting enough, H knocked on my door little while later and brought me a Reese's cup. I said "Thanks, but I really don't want it. Really trying to stay away from chocolate and sugar and that will probably just make me feel worse." H just laughed and said "You know you want it." H was dressed in gym clothes and before he walked out I asked if he was going to the gym. H said "Yes, do you feel up to coming with?" I hesistated and told him I really wasn't up for it and just let him go by himself.

I put Reese's cup back in fridge last night. Only saw him in office after he got home from gym and said good-night in passing.

This morning I got up and started making muffins in kitchen before he left for work. H came in kitchen and told me all about his gym routine from last night and about this show he watched. H saw Reese's cup in fridge and remarked "I guess you really didn't want that." Me - "That was really sweet of you last night, but I knew if I ate it I wouldn't feel good afterwards, but thank you again anyways." H also mentioned he was going to the gym tonight, but didn't invite me or ask me to come with (yet?).

I think I've come to some more clear understandings about what works with him and what doesn't work. For instance, the phone usage - I noticed that when I wasn't around as much/engaging him as much, he did more of the "in your face" kind of activity when I was in his presence, like staying around for a few mins when he was talking, and not leaving the area - more direct texting right in front of me. When I have been more engaging and doing more, being around him more, he tends to take it immediately to another room, started leaving phone in other room, even texted me at one point "about watching a movie, promise no distractions."

Part of our R history involves me pulling away, withdrawing, leaving him alone when he would want to engage, mostly as punishment from me because I wasn't getting my primary LL from him, QT, and would feel like I was just second best or a fill-in for him if he was bored and I happened to be around. So when he would want to give me QT or put effort in, I would completely discount it as F-that, why does he want to give me QT time now, I'm going to give him the same treatment he's been giving me. How's that in an attempt to give/show, receive/accept love?

I'm recognizing that he seems to respond much more positively to my being in his presence and actively doing things with him. I'm sure it's completely cake-eating at this point. But for the remaining time I have left here, I am going to put my best foot forward to be the best, most attractive person I can be for myself.

I see all the mistakes that I made on Monday night and note to self, I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE AGAIN!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm recognizing that he seems to respond much more positively to my being in his presence and actively doing things with him. I'm sure it's completely cake-eating at this point. But for the remaining time I have left here, I am going to put my best foot forward to be the best, most attractive person I can be for myself.

AFG,

I think so long as you're doing it for YOU, you're fine. If you start doing it for HIM, to get a reaction, and your expectations start going up, that's a red flag for you.

The other red flag would be if it feels AUTHENTIC to you. If you can honestly say "This is the kind of person I am, whether or not he appreciates it" (a good example might be saying "please" and "thank you," or giving a sincere compliment). If, however, it makes you feel LOW, like a doormat, then you should stop.

The problem you're going to have is, so long as he is getting some of his physical and emotional needs met by OW, and some of his other emotional needs met by you, he will continue to cake-eat and never make a decision, until the situation is acted upon by some outside force. Now, it may be that the "outside force" is OW dumping his sorry azz, or some religious epiphany on your husband's part, but outside of those two things, I think your approach is going to prolong his waffling, I really do.

Puppy

[aflowergurlie]

Puppy -

Thanks for your insight. What kind of approach would you suggest that would inhibit his waffling? Just GALing and getting out of here as soon as I can? Stop going to gym with him? Stop cooking/cleaning? Keeping to myself and not letting him talk to me as much?

I tried the stop cooking/cleaning and staying completely separate in my bedroom and using my own separate private entrance months ago. I found that it made me feel worse and I went to a really bad place with it inside. Had nothing to do with him or his reactions to it. It was completely how unnatural and isolating it made me feel. I enjoy cooking for myself and keeping a clean environment, living in an organized manner. When I picked back up on them, I felt a sense of peace, calm, and control for myself and enjoyment. But I know that he receives the benefit of my doing these things as well. He thanks me regularly for the food and for keeping things clean.

I do not call him or text him. So unless he texts me or calls me, which is rare, the only interaction we have is when he is here and we chat in the kitchen and when going to the gym.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Someone once suggested on here taking ONE thing you used to do with/for him daily, and replace it with one thing you do FOR YOURSELF.

Yes, I would recommend you pull back on going to the gym with him, and when you DO go together, make it at YOUR initiation. If you're going to turn down his, don't say "I'm not up for it," as you did above, but maybe something like "Thanks, but I have plans."

BE MYSTERIOUS!!!

Puppy

[aflowergurlie]

Hi Puppy - Thanks for the MYSTERIOUS reminder!

I am little confused and hesistant though with pulling back on the spending time with him. Reason is because going to the gym and pool/hot tub are new things for us doing together. I had previously gone to the gym with a few girlfriends and then one guy friend (which he wasn't happy about). He would always go to another gym with other male friends on occasion through the years (but not religiously like he does now). I had asked him many times for us to go together, just the two of us. But it never happened. He was always too busy with work and other stuff. So, when he asked me to go to gym with him and has continued to do so, I have taken the opportunity to go because it was something that I had wanted for us to do together for a long time. Now whether or not it is a part of him reaching out to me, I'm not entirely sure. But every time we go, I always offer to drive myself and/or meet him there, and each time he has said No, just ride with me or just come with me. It is also during this time that I'm noticing his conversations with me are starting to become more open with his feelings about things that have transpired during the day or things that he has had to deal with or is thinking about. More progress in my mind, because he is not just making mere general conversation, it is starting to relate to him and his feelings, not about our R, but at least to some of his internal conflicts.

Case in point: Last night, H comes home and chats away. Relates a story about shopping for some new sandals over last weekend. (I know what he is looking for because we had looked together for them before the bomb.) Anyways, says he tried a pair on that he was interested in and "response he got from person he was with was "Those cost that much? (with sarcasm)". I laughed inside and then said "Of course they cost that much, they're leather and are going to last you forever. I even expected you'd be paying more, so in my mind that's a great price!" He replied that he was in total agreement with me.

Told me about being reprimanded at work for getting there late a couple times this week. They've noticed it becoming more prominent (which he has never had a problem with in the past.) Another result of his overnight stays during the week and on Sunday's before Monday morning work.

Then on way to gym, relayed that he is not happy with his Brother right now (who is like the Other OW right now as well). B didn't follow through on a request H had made of him for his upcoming weekend plans and B always is doing this to him even though H can go out of his way to do many things for B. Now H has to scramble to put a plan together that's going to cost him a lot more money. Again, I laughed inside because this was the dynamic before H reached back out to B before the Bomb and why H didn't have a relationship with his B.

Also, H got a little jealous of some of my weekend plans with all of his "old friends". I also implied a lot of mystery and not sure-ness to my weekend plans that he was getting a little perplexed by.

Don't think H had such a good day yesterday (snickering inside).

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So in summary, you're thankful of the reminder that you need to be more mysterious, all the while trying to point out how important it is to be available (and thereby UN-mysterious)to him??

My advice to you hasn't changed. Go darker.

Puppy

[aflowergurlie]

Thursday - Could tell that H had already been home, packed and left before I got home from work. Was nice to have a night to myself. I find myself actually wanting/needing for him to be gone now just to allow myself some breathing room, space, and distance.

Friday - Got a phone call from H around lunchtime asking if I wanted him to get the 4-wheeler all ready to go for my weekend plans. At this point, things had been cancelled for that part of my weekend and I didn't need the 4-wheeler, so I just explained that no, plans had changed and wouldn't need it. H "Oh, ok, well I just wanted to help you out if you needed it." Me - "Thanks, I appreciate it very much but not necessary now." H - "Ok, well I'll catch up with you at some point over the weekend. (He has said this in the past before to. It always puzzles me as to why he says stuff like this because he's always gone til Monday mornings now on the weekends.) Me - "Ok, have fun, bye."

When I pulled up at home about an hour and half later, H was in driveway about to pull out. Backs up and rolls down window inquiring about the cancellation of my weekend plans. Just gave vague and brief explanation to which he got irritated and said "what's so secretive, why can't you just tell me what happened?" I said with friendly, nonchalant face "not secretive, I'm kinda bummed about it and just don't feel like explaining is all." H then came up with his own assumptions and I just smiled. Then he left.

Later, H came back home and started getting ready to leave. Saw him for brief moment in kitchen and he asked me if I had a good nap. I just smiled and gave friendly reply of yes. Then went to my room with door closed and heard H leave.

I left Friday night and stayed with friends until yesterday evening. Had a great weekend with them. NC from H.

This morning, as usual, H got home. I was in my bedroom but went out to kitchen, he was in shower when I did so we didn't cross paths. I'm curious as to why he chooses to come all the way home on Monday mornings to shower and get ready for work. It's out of the way for him and I would think much more easy for him to bring work clothes with him and shower and just go straight to work from wherever he is at. Save time as well. Oh well, no matters for me.

I am super focused on my job searching today. It is my number one goal and priority at this point to help catapult me out of here. I am excited for my future of being able to rely on myself to take care of myself and provide for myself. Self-reliance, self-determination, self-worth, self-confidence are my mantra.