Hey Sage, some of the things that have worked in the past are.
First I have to summon up a lot of courage and be determined to be sweet and understanding no matter what may come up. Then I just into the deep end of the pool.
Occasionally, I will just say flat out that I am upset about something or have some questions about something and want to talk about it. That is what I have to do if the subject is so important that I don't want to risk avoidance.
Usually I will wait until I know we have some privacy and things are feeling relaxed. Sometimes I will say something like this, "Remember when you said XYZ? I have been thinking about that and I want to make sure I understand what you meant and don't jump to any assumptions. Did you mean XYZ or ZYX or something else entirely?
Usually that will get him to start talking a bit because he does WANT to be understood. All along through the conversation, I try to give a lot of affirmations and affection. I usually have to continue asking questions to keep things going, like "so how do you think we're doing lately?", "how do you feel about this or that?", "do you still think this or that?".
If I am REALLY feeling brave, I'll ask something like, "How do you imagine I must have felt when XYZ", or "If you were me, what do you think would be important?".
Once he DOES start talking, it is usually pretty one-sided, so I have to make a strong point about us switching gears to talk about MY thoughts and feelings.
When I do talk about some of the more negative emotions that still come up for me (insecurity, anger, mistrust, etc.) I let him know that I only feel that way occasionally and it get's easier all the time. I let him know that even though I feel overwhelmed when I'm in the storm of those emotions, that my goal is to heal. I tell him that I would like to let him know when I am struggling and it would really help if he would do A, B, C, or D. I give him the choice, but if he knows he has choices and can do something to help, he won't feel so powerless and frozen in guilt in the face of my pain.
I try to remember to be very gentle about the whole process and to stop while we're ahead...on a good note.
Don't know if any of this helps, but these are some of the things that have helped since bomb-droppage.
