Detachment

[antlers]

Hi 25.

This is something that I never wanted, and although I made so many awful mistakes that led up to her leaving, I know in my heart that I did everything in my power (after she made the decision to leave) to make amends...including genuinely apologizing for my actions, taking responsibility for my actions, getting counseling, reading and learning, and most of all, changing for the better...in every way I could. I validated out the wazoo! These changes needed to happen for me to get better and be better, and for no other reason. I got stronger physically and mentally, and started to think about things differently than I always had. But I did have hopes I would get a second chance. When the reality that I wouldn't get that chance became clear, and that she was divorcing me, it pummeled me. Now I'm dealing with all those emotions...plus, I'm getting involved in these bad legal processes that are necessary when stuff like this happens, and it's not pleasant!

I want so much to get happy and enjoy my life. Nope, don't know if I'll ever know of her doubts and true feelings. From what I've heard, she has no doubts about what she's doing...and she's made her true feelings known to me..."I don't love you", "we will never be together", "you need to move on with your life", etc.. Don't really know if she'll ever reflect...she seems very resolute. I should let go of all that stuff, 'needing to know', etc..

I have become much closer to our smaller children. Our oldest daughter (hers from a previous marriage) has distanced herself from me, and that hurts. She was my first daughter, and I love her as much as the others. She moved in with her mother a while back. Anyway, my 11 y/o son and 12 y/o daughter and I are, I believe, closer than we've ever been. Youngest daughter is hard sometimes because she is close with big sis and mom. I am a better dad than I've ever been.

I understand the need for the laws, but there are exceptions (like ours), and applying those laws to every case regardless of the exceptions is, in my opinion, grossly unjust and unfair.

You saying "if you can always know that you acted with dignity, in the face of anything that comes, that's worth a lot more than you may now realize"...hits me hard because that's really what I've done since she decided to leave. It didn't stop her from leaving and it didn't bring her back. The only person that it mattered to was me, and our smaller kiddos.

Do you still think that love is a choice? If it is, shouldn't it be easy to decide to 'stop' loving someone?

I'm doing my best to stay strong, I really am. Don't know what else I could be doing, really. I know...time. It's just hard to bide that time. What you're saying makes perfect sense, and I believe it...it's just hard to do! I appreciate you telling me these things...I just gotta continue to tell em' to myself!

"I control all the realities in my new life as far as being happy." "Her relative happiness/regret level is not relevant." "Only mine is...and I think I will be happy down the road." "How long it takes is up to me." "Only me."

Gotta' believe it! Thanks 25. I enjoy your helpful posts more than you know!