W told me she is putting in an application for an apartment today. We had a long talk about things and I did a good job about not being emotional although I probably broke a lot of rules by trying to rationalize with her. She says that MC and in-house separation can’t work at this point because she needs the physical space away from me to sort things out. During our talk, I did bring up the elephant in the room (The A) and asked her if this is in any way contributing to her decision to proceed with this. She did not answer this directly and just replied that she needs space to figure out what she wants and what she needs. I told her that I am 100% sure that she has been dating and would continue dating during the S but that we should still openly agree that we will date other people during the S so that we don’t have any false expectations that will lead to future resentment. She never said she either would or would not date during S, only that she does not know what she wants to do. She at first seemed just a little shocked that I would consider dating and said that she is signing a short term lease and that if I reach a point where I don’t want her to come back I need to let her know ahead of the lease expiration so she will know. She then said what I do is my business.
She is telling me that she hopes this can lead to understanding what led to us growing apart over the last few years and that it will help her define what changes she would need to see in our relationship if we were to try to reconcile. It is hard to believe that she is sincerely hoping for reconciliation if the S is in any way motivated by OM or needing to sow some wild oats to figure herself out. She said that she doesn’t want to pressure me but that she would still want to have contact with me and go on dates in the hopes that we can reconnect if I would be open to it. She still does not believe that my changes will come or that they will stick but she said she would hope to use the time we spend together dating as a chance to see this happen. She kept emphasizing that this might be the best thing that could ever happen for our M but I still can’t see that she is sincere about this because she will clearly be with OM and that she still does not want MC.
She said that she still sees good things about me and that she was thinking this just the other day. She still emphasizes that she feels empty from years of trying and really does not expect me to be able to change. She complained that in the past, anything that gets done in our lives has to be initiated by her and gave an example of how when bomb first dropped, I had mentioned that I might move out and let her stay. She said, as usual, I didn’t do it and she had to do it herself. I told her in response that I felt strongly that she is the one that wants to separate and that she should be the one to leave and that it was up to her to figure out how to swing it financially.
One thing she did mention is that even though the lease is set for a certain number of months that it doesn’t mean that she would not come home sooner if she were able to sort things out. Maybe this is script? She still does not want to tell family about our sitch when I asked about disclosure, but said that if I felt that I need to, I could tell whoever I needed to. I don’t want to tell my family because they think the world of her and would be really upset with what is happening. I think if reconciliation were possible, my parents would always hold this over her head and I don’t want this. This really cuts my support network down to next to nothing but I don’t feel I can tell them yet (thank God for this forum!).
I am numb right now and I know this is going to get much worse for me before it gets any better. I have never lived alone in my life (always had a room mate or spouse) and I can’t imagine how awful nights are going to be in a quiet house.
I need some advice on how to handle all of this and how should I interact with her during the S. She is saying that she wants this to be a positive experience for our M and hopes that it will work out for us. I just can’t read this at all because I know that OM/OP have factored into this. I would appreciate any feedback or analysis you guys out there have. Is there any hope left for the M? I am obviously going to work hard on myself b/c I know that is the only way to save the M and ultimately myself.
I can’t believe this has happened to me but it is good to have the support of so many other people who are going through similar problems.
