K4D Rising #4

[ClingingToHope]

Your patterns are very predictable. She attacks and you attack back. You can walk away right or happy? Which is better? In the scenario you described walking away HAPPY with YOURSELF for not indulging her w/the reaction she expected would have been the best thing to do.

In college I took a psychology course and they talked about how people get trapped in role playing.

Your roles are she gets made, you get defensive and she gets madder. Even if you both know it's destructive you keep doing it because you are familiar with how it will play out.

Defensiveness just adds fuel to the fire as citygirl says. When she's attacking you, listen to what she's saying. Let her go until her anger burns itself out. If you defend yourself you are not validating her feelings and that just makes her madder. It doesn't mean you agree with her or that she's right.

My DB counselor, Dottie, asked me to read a book by Faber, How to Listen so your kids will talk and how to talk so your kids will listen.

That has really helped me with D10 and may someday help with stbxw.

I look back on our last argument that led me to moving out. W was pissed that the house was a mess after she was gone for two days and that D10 didn't study for a test.

I got defensive because I had an ear infection and let her go on a scrap booking weekend even though I didn't feel like doing anything more than lay on the couch.

So I defended myself, which made her madder, and caused her to bring up other stuff to justify her anger. I countered that and it got worse and worse.

Looking back, I should have just let her ramble on, validated what she was feeling and try to figure out why she was really mad.

In the morning, after she had calmed down, I could have told her I was sorry about the house. I had an ear infection and couldn't keep up with cleaning.