GIMA, these are great questions. Nope, h has not asked to go along. Of course he could join me and I've sometimes told him so - like to some parties, etc. The answer has been no lately.
I really needed to hear that the issue isn't me. Thank you. i'm starting to convince myself of that as I read more about ragaholics (yes, there is such a thing) and verbal abuse.
Once precious night over the summer he responded to a book I gave him and talked about how he has issues with power - H was teased a lot as a kid (nerd), and then he felt his mother somehow was unsympathetic. I can see how he's trying to have power over me with his anger.
I think his self esteem isn't the greatest. He has quite a superior attitude, and one of perfectionism, but I think that stems from his low self esteem. Who knows. I hope if we ever get to MC (the wonderful land of OZ) I hope hope hope we can delve into this stuff. H doesn't go there much, certainly not recently.
Well on top of receiving my sep papers soon, H getting a bigger apt., we just learned we were turned down for our house insurance. We are going in the hole fast financially.
OK. I understand a little better, I hope, Hope.
The anger and control issues could definitely be products of his low self esteem. He does not sound like he likes himself very much and probably perceives (real or not, his perception is all that's important for the moment) that he did not receive the love/support from his mother/father as a child. These are BIG deals.
What can you do to help pump up/massage his ego. Given where you are, I would start out real small. Compliments go a long way. Remember, we males are really just little boys in a man's body. There is a certain aspect of us that still craves approval, especially from female figures. And, I think you can do this in a way that is not desperate, insincere or comes across as you seeking something for yourself by complimenting him.
If his self esteem is in the crapper, then depression, in some amount/severity is also at work. Coach recommended a great book to me that helped me turn from a pessimist into an optimist - "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It might help you understand your H's thought process better and why he may be a pessimist.
Now, complimenting him does NOT include being a doormat. When he raises his voice with you or gets on a personal attack, call him on it. Do it calmly, but set that boundary. If he won't have a civil discussion like a grown up, then tell him conversation's over until we can have a civil discussion like adults.
As for his blaming you for everything, I suspect he's doing that, at least in part, to get you engaged in an argument. Let it roll off. A few times of that, and will probably stop doing it b/c it's not getting the result he was hoping for.
Obviously, C would help him a great deal, assuming he had the right C. But, he's a big boy, and you cannot make him go.
