Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Sandi,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I hope your prediction is correct.

My W returns from NY tomorrow night, so it’s been quite peaceful at the homefront since Sunday. I’m spending much of my free time with the kids doing homework and reading books. Retrouvaille is now only just a few days away.

We’ve had four people from our bulletin board (Gina, Orich, Thinker, and BillM) recently go through Retrouvaille. I thought Orich and BillM had great success with the program, most likely due to their W’s active participation. I’m happy for them. Gina and Thinker, unfortunately, appeared to have hit a roadblock, mainly due to their WAS’s unwillingness to cooperate with the program. I surmise that this program is effective so long as both husband and wife do the work that‘s asked of them and follow the rules. I don’t understand why someone would take the whole weekend to attend Retro and not actively participate, or for that matter sabotage the weekend…why bother going in the first place?

My W has called the last few nights to see how the kids were doing. I made it a point to wish her well in her teaching activities in NY. She showed some apprehension regarding teaching this particular class, so I tried to give her words of confidence and admiration. She appeared appreciative of my remarks and sounded upbeat. Her moods still go up and down like a rollercoaster ride.

Anyways, here I am chilling out as I wait for this weekend. It feels like I’m waiting for a surgical operation to cure my ills.

Kind Regards,
LFH

[Thinker]

I surmise that this program is effective so long as both husband and wife do the work that‘s asked of them and follow the rules.

Yes. In fact, my advice for the weekend would be that if your spouse does not follow the rules as they are set out for the exercises, then you should call them on it immediately, and then go (as a couple) to talk to the mediators at the next break. Don't wait.

I don’t understand why someone would take the whole weekend to attend Retro and not actively participate, or for that matter sabotage the weekend…why bother going in the first place?

My W answered that question in the first exercise. The Question was "Why am I here?" her answer "Because you want me to be"

[Looking_For_Help]

Approximately eight weeks ago, my W accepted my invitation to Retrovaille with a quick yes reply. However, she declared that there was no way she was going to participate in the six 4-hour post sessions. I replied with “o.k….fair enough.”

Today, I came home early from work b/c I was feeling a bit down. I was surprised to see my W home early from her NY trip. I cordially greeted her and engaged her with some friendly small talk. She mentioned that our Retrouvaille letter arrived and then started in with R talk. During our discussion, she stated in a roundabout way that she’s hoping that Retrouvaille helps us and eluded to the need to do what’s best for the kids. She’s skeptical about Retrouvaille working for us, but is willing to try with an open mind…and looking for a miracle. She says that she wants to do the post sessions that run through Dec 6 with the exception of one work-related conflict.

Needless to say, I was completely shocked with this discussion.

-LFH

[givingitmyall]

Approximately eight weeks ago, my W accepted my invitation to Retrovaille with a quick yes reply. However, she declared that there was no way she was going to participate in the six 4-hour post sessions. I replied with “o.k….fair enough.”

Today, I came home early from work b/c I was feeling a bit down. I was surprised to see my W home early from her NY trip. I cordially greeted her and engaged her with some friendly small talk. She mentioned that our Retrouvaille letter arrived and then started in with R talk. During our discussion, she stated in a roundabout way that she’s hoping that Retrouvaille helps us and eluded to the need to do what’s best for the kids. She’s skeptical about Retrouvaille working for us, but is willing to try with an open mind…and looking for a miracle. She says that she wants to do the post sessions that run through Dec 6 with the exception of one work-related conflict.

Needless to say, I was completely shocked with this discussion.

-LFH

You know not to place too much thought into what she says/does, but these seem to be good things. Accept it for what it might be.

Just get to Retro, and whatever haooens, happens.

Whatever you're doing, keep it up. Stay busy, confident, cool and together. In her eyes, you're not supposed to be any of those things.

[NoLongerHere]

I'll second that. These are good indications - get yourselves there and do the program. My wife was / is all over the place with what she'll commit to, we had some tough moments in her trying to back out. And at other times she said that she thought it was going to be really good. Take it easy, don't push anything, keep it together like GIMA says, and do the weekend.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA and BillM,

Thank you for your responses and words of encouragement.

I have a gut feeling that my wife still loves me very much, but is terrified to let down her defenses. She simply doesn’t trust me anymore. I pray that Retrouvaille heals her pain and removes mistrust so as to allow us to rebuild our relationship. I still love her very much.

BillM: Do you have any Retrouvaille advice you feel comfortable sharing with me? Thanks.

Cautiously optimistic…LFH

[NoLongerHere]

Not sure if I have any specific advice. I tried to be as open and honest as I could. I tried not to hold anything back, if I felt it I wrote it. Sometimes I was stuck, sometimes I couldn't get it all out. Go with the program, keep an open mind.

It can get really emotional.

Oh - and you're going to be uncomfortable... going to bed and getting up early, and you're sitting in chairs and writing a lot. Mmmmmm - maybe bring something portable to write on. You're going to be physically spent.

But I don't know, I don't have a strategy or anything to suggest - just put your all into it.

Good luck man -

[givingitmyall]

Hey GIMA and BillM,

Thank you for your responses and words of encouragement.

I have a gut feeling that my wife still loves me very much, but is terrified to let down her defenses. She simply doesn’t trust me anymore. I pray that Retrouvaille heals her pain and removes mistrust so as to allow us to rebuild our relationship. I still love her very much.

BillM: Do you have any Retrouvaille advice you feel comfortable sharing with me? Thanks.

Cautiously optimistic…LFH

LFH,

I understand b/c I am at that point with my W. I think she loves me and doesn't want a D, at least not now. I suspect she has quite a conflict in her head - "Who is this man?". I also suspect she is struggling to trust me again, but is not quite there. While Retro can be a big step in that process of trusting you again, I don't think there is any substitute for time. So, be consistent and keep plodding on. Marathon, not a sprint.

[NoLongerHere]

Agreed. I know you've read my posts, and we didn't come out of this with some miracle fix or resolution. It was difficult to containt my hope and expectations. Give it time.

[Looking_For_Help]

Well, my W is back to being Negative Sourpuss again. She complained about the kids' behavior before, during, and after dinner. She complained about the Retrouvaille post-session schedule. She complained about the "lack of itinerary from the Retrouvaille folks. She complained about the lack of organization of the Retrouvaille program. She asked if there were other Retrouvaille dates available. Oh boy was she negative tonight! I told her to "do what she needs to do about Retrouvaille." I was trying to be neutral and unaffected as much as possible.

I tried to maintain a pleasant atmosphere at dinner, but I felt like I was beating my head against a wall. She was not pleasant to be around...it's times like these I wonder why I want to remain married to this person. She could have cared less about what I said tonight.

This afternoon at work I had a delightful conversation with a beautiful engineer. She's absolutely georgious. She was hanging on my every word. She was kind, respectful, interested, interesting, encouraging, and witty. She played with her hair during our entire conversation. What a breath of fresh air. Why can't my W be this way?

Anyways, I hope that my W's negative behavior tonight was due to nervousness regarding this weekend. I expected a pull back tonight and oh boy was I correct. I made it a definite point not to react to her negativity.

I hope this is not a sign of things to come this weekend. Wish me luck guys!

-LFH