Yeah, Shiney...it was my b'day and I'm 43. That is a picture of me at 40, but Wolfie says I look about the same as I looked at 30.
Back from AZ & straight into the flood zone! Much of our county has been evacuated, and we may have to tonight. The river is expected to crest at 10 feet over the flood level. Our boys were out sandbagging today and Wolfie just went to get them on one of the few roads that hasn't been closed. Send up some prayers for all of out here in the (very wet) NW, please!
I'm feeling a bit anxious lately. All the long-timers on this bb who have been living with thier spouses, rebuilding for at least a year are talking about leaving. Selfishly, I want them all to stick around because I'm just entering this phase and feel at a loss.
I'm not sure what the heck is going on right now. Before H moved back in, we talked about our fears. His big fear was that we would stop communicating again. In all of the time of being separated, I always had to initiate meaningful communication. Once he started talking, I usually had to ask a bunch of questions to get him to open up or to clarify what he was saying so I wouldn't make any assumptions.
For a while before he moved back home, and still now--it feels like we are going backwards. He still doesn't initiate any R talks, even though he says his big fear is that we will stop having them .
Now when I try to initiate a conversation beyond the day-to-day mundane stuff, he weaves and dodges and changes the topic or shuts me down. That is the OLD pattern. That is a big part of how we got in trouble in the first place!
I haven't been pushing the issue. I feel like we probably both need to settle in and feel some normalicy right now, but I'm afraid of this destructive pattern we both now we have.
I'm thinking about reminding what our MC said about setting aside scheduled time for R talks. I'm also thinking about suggesting that we read some R books together and talk about what we think. I know he hates the R books, but has read a few.
He seems to want the R talks, then but be unable to initiate them. I guess you'll have to.
What about setting up a specific time this week to 'go over' how things are. Kind of a review. If he know beforehand and has control of the when he may not get defensive. He seems to want the talks.
Just my 0.02...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I understand your nervousness...I would hate to lose the wisdom that the veterans here are always so gracious and willing to share
Opt wrote:
Quote: What about setting up a specific time this week to 'go over' how things are. Kind of a review. If he know beforehand and has control of the when he may not get defensive. He seems to want the talks.
I've been kind of in the gray area too. I do everything I can think of to subtly try to get H to continue to be open and talk. Sometimes I get lucky and H volunteers some R info but it's never more in depth then maybe a statement or two... Things are going great, I'm more than happy with the way things are now .
H has told me point blank that I should KNOW how things are without having to talk about them. I feel that we should talk once in awhile to make sure we are on the same page and getting the things we both want and expect from the M now.
I cautiously broached this subject with H tonight. I asked him if he felt ready and comfortable enough to talk about our R a little more in depth. I told him that I didn't want to go in-depth on the phone but I felt that we needed to make sure that we were both getting what we had earlier on said we wanted from the R.
H jumped in saying right away that HE felt he was and that he felt great about things...I said I felt I was too but this was something we needed to do from time to time rather then avoid. I then changed the subject
I think this is a real difficult period for many of us because we still aren't quite convinced. We aren't totally out of "search and destroy" mode and immediately pick-up on anything we perceive as "old behaviour".
"Search and destroy" tells us to nip this in the bud quickly, we feel much better in the place we are now (we've finally had some meaningful R talk at this point) and don't want to go back to where we were. That perception we have though is causing us to think uh-oh, here we go again...
hmmm...OH GREAT, I can see where this is going (smacks self in head with OWN 2x4!!!)...
My brain has just told me that my need for more in-depth R talk is sounding/looking an awful lot like pursuit behaviour...something I KNOW is a big no-no for my sitch. H has been volunteering little bits on his own...could this be because it is EASIER for H to handle smaller bites rather then trying to choke down and swallow the whole ball of wax at one time?? Knowing H...no doubt about it!
Well Tal, I don't know if I have helped you any with this line of thought at all I also don't know if I should hug YOU or kick myself so I guess I'll do both
{{{{{{TALITSA}}}}}}
OUCH, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
don't worry about the long timers leaving...there'll always be someone round to help you out when you need it. You do a fine job of figuring things out on your own most of the time to ya know!
Quote: Now when I try to initiate a conversation beyond the day-to-day mundane stuff, he weaves and dodges and changes the topic or shuts me down. That is the OLD pattern. That is a big part of how we got in trouble in the first place!
instead of worrying that he's not initiating r talks all the time now just try to look at it as the two of you making the transition comfortably. Don't look at his lack of saying anything as negative, try instead to look at it as he has nothing negative to say!
Talitsa, I am thinking about trying this myself when H gets back from 3 weeks at work....what about scheduling one night a week or every couple of weeks that you two go out for dinner or order in and have a romantic dinner in...or just go for a walk together after dinner...whatever...but setting that time aside as together time...then during that time...talk about what is going right first, tell him how much you appreciate the things he is doing that you do appreciate, then asking for something you want/need...and finishing up with how happy you are that you are enjoying each other's company... Keeping it positive so that he doesn't perceive it as NAGGING him to work on relationship is my thought, I guess, for my sitch...might work for you, too! At the very least, having a specific "just us" time will insure that you are spending a little quality time together and that will tell you lots in itself about how the R is going....
LL and Alaskagal, I agree that I need to relax and remember that this is a transition time. Most of the R talks we have had throughout the seperation were not negative--mostly a lot of resolution and problem solving.
H is quick to admit that he's quite self-centered and used to lay the burden on me for everything. He admits that he used to think, "why is the house such a mess, why does SHE let it get like this?" instead of taking the initiative to do housework or pitching in to help. Same thing with finances, problems with the kids, and OUR R PROBLEMS!
I know he's really trying to change those patterns. I see him taking initiative and helping out in many ways, and I try to always remember to express appreciation.
I think that I'm going to suggest that we follow the MC's advice (since we pay good money for it LOL). I think I will also ask for what I want: for him to remember that this is HIS R too, and has an equal part in taking care of it. If his big worry is that we will stop communicating on an intimate level, he's got a great deal of contol over whether that happens or not!
Then I'll drop it and let him chew on it for awhile.
Morning Tal, I so understand where you're coming from with this. I find that I NEED to take the temperature of our R on a regular basis. I DO know that this is a time of transition for both H and I. We're both trying to get our marital legs back under us to see if they're going to be strong enough to hold us up after all we've been through.
I know for me that I can only let so much time pass or 'negative self-speak' go on in my head before I implode, so for me..an occassion testing of the waters and clearing the air is imperative OR I start keeping score and getting withdrawn myself.
H is very obviously happy/content to be here. He is also obviously trying to be "PRESENT" in this M. But like you, I need to HEAR it. I SEE the action BUT I also need the words.
I keep reminding myself that a year from now, if we keep things going along at this pace, we will once again have a good/better M and a trusting/loving R. But it's gonna take a lot more time and a lot more patience and alot more work,on both our parts. T2
