I agree with GIMA. She's cake eating. She really was affected when you started going out and GALing. I would keep this up as much as you possibly can and watch the results.
I've been getting out but not really being mysterious. Hope, you're right. That's when she started noticing.
I thought I would welcome her leaving. When I walked be her on the computer (during our S's birthday party tonight] and saw her looking at houses online (she tried to close it quickly) that rejected feeling came whooshing in.
She has to know I saw, but is acting like I didn't.
I hate the ignoring the elephant in the room stuff.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
As for the cake eating, I was really the one that took the lead on the getting 'closer' activities started. She was all too happy to go along with it though.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
She came in while I was watching TV. She said she wanted to watch that show too. She was playful abt it.
I ended up saying something about not wanting to act like all is well when she is making plans to walk out of our marriage. She said she wasn't looking at houses just now and I was mistaken, but is still planning to go.
I told her I didn't want to act like all is fine when it isn't. I was feeling very rejected. Her response. Sorry. I know it's not fair.
It was 5 or 10 minute conversation so there was more to it, but that covers the main point.
Essentially everything I'm not supposed to do.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Ok. No one's perfect. Just try to learn here and not repeat the same mistake.
I know if it were me, I would have a very difficult time keeping my sanity if my W was both committed to leave and, at the same time, was acting like were were still going to be M'd. If you can handle it, ok. I just don't know how anyone could.
Pulling back in the form of lovingly detaching and GAL'ing would likely help the situation. It might pull her to you and will definitely allow you to build back your self confidence, which I think is a major part of healing.
I think that I need to start worrying more about myself. I have been trying so hard to be a loving, caring, understanding husband so far. I am selfish in the fact that I have wanted to keep our family together and think that it's insane that she doesn't, but I really have been trying to be kind and understanding to her. Afterall, she is my W and I still love her. I vowed love her in good times and bad and I still think that she is very similar to the person that I fell in love with somewhere deep inside. It even comes out every once in a while.
I don't really think that her issues are about me though, so it seems that no matter what I do it doesn't affect her. All it does is drain me.
Last night, as we were talking about how I can't sit there like all is well while she is maing plans to walk out of our marriage, she looked sad, but she has no fear of losing me. Her sadness seems to come from knowing that she is hurting me. She loves me and says that I am a great guy, but she doesn't have that "I can't imagine my life without him" feeling so she knows that she has to go.
The funny thing is that I think she still imagines her life after moving out as pretty much having a clubhouse and us still spending time together. I told her a couple of weeks ago this isn't the case. Once she got the "I'll be happy once I get out of here" thought in her head it seems to be her magic bullet to happiness.
Once again, what makes this so much harder is the fact that we were affectionate just recently. How could she be so loving with me one minute then switch to a "my life will be better without him" thought the next. I couldn't do that personally.
It does seem that I start to move on and that's when she starts to come back around. I'm getting tired of this game of trying to lure my W back to me though. This isn't how marriage is supposed to be.
She's gotten past so many "stages" that moving seems like the only "I have to see if this will make me happy" thing left to do. She's not with GF 24/7 lately (I think GF got a job), she's not drinking heavily like she was months back, she's not out at the bar, constantly on Facebook, looking up Highschool friends, dressing trashy, hangind out at the gym all of the time, spending a ton of money, etc anymore. She's gone through all of this to "find her path," and she's still not happy. Obviously, I can't fix it. I had to give it a shot though and I don't regret trying to help. I realize now that I can't though. It's a very powerless feeling. Very unwanted and rejected feeling too.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
All you can do is a live a life that you enjoy. Even in my sitch, I feel like I need to make W happy (or she may move out again). This is not healthy. We need to be loving and caring, but we should not be the source of their happiness. It is too much pressure on us.
Has she seen a doctor. It sounds like it may be depression.
She hasn't seen a doctor. I said something about depression in the beginning. Big mistake (pre DBing) She was telling me that I was the problem and my suggestion made her feel that I was denying my role and saying that she was the one with the problem.
It does fit though.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I told her the night before last that I was uncomfortable with the way things were. It is hard to be chummy with her while she continues to make plans for walking out of our marriage. We are close for a little while, then she backs away. I was clear, telling her as nicely as possible that I was uncomfortable with this and it is getting frustrating for me.
I made plans to be out of the house tonight. She made a point to leave last night. She said that she figured that I would not want to be around her so she was going to do some running around.
She came in to tell me good night before bed, but remains withdrawn. She seems to feel bad for me and bad for what she's doing to our family, but obviously doesn't feel any sense of impending loss for herself. My cousin, who has been through this, says that W knows that she has an open door to come back so she wouldn't really feel that she's losing anything. She's getting to go play and feels that she'll be able to come back whenever she wants.
That's where the detaching and GALing comes in I guess. I can't really tell her that's what I'm noticing and she won't be welcome back (it would send her away with even more of a purpose) but I really need to do a better job of showing her that I am moving on.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I told her the night before last that I was uncomfortable with the way things were. It is hard to be chummy with her while she continues to make plans for walking out of our marriage. We are close for a little while, then she backs away. I was clear, telling her as nicely as possible that I was uncomfortable with this and it is getting frustrating for me.
I made plans to be out of the house tonight. She made a point to leave last night. She said that she figured that I would not want to be around her so she was going to do some running around.
She came in to tell me good night before bed, but remains withdrawn. She seems to feel bad for me and bad for what she's doing to our family, but obviously doesn't feel any sense of impending loss for herself. My cousin, who has been through this, says that W knows that she has an open door to come back so she wouldn't really feel that she's losing anything. She's getting to go play and feels that she'll be able to come back whenever she wants.
That's where the detaching and GALing comes in I guess. I can't really tell her that's what I'm noticing and she won't be welcome back (it would send her away with even more of a purpose) but I really need to do a better job of showing her that I am moving on.
I think that is the right attitude. Maybe you should try to find some single friends that you can hang out with on the weekends. Single people would be more available and it would give her something to think about. She does seem pretty comfortable with the status quo.
