Not wanting to be on this boat........

[ShockedOne]

Feel free to vent, this is a better venue for you to vent in than in the home with the W. Do the methods work? For some yes, for me no, but my WAXW was in a different world, and nothing would have helped. Was it worth it to try? Yes, I know that I did what I could, and I can say that I will have no regrets that I should have done.....(insert whatever here). Can I say that I came out on top because of the methods? Yes, I am a better person, a better father, and I have 2 awesome kids living under my roof with me. Take what you want from all of this, but I do believe that if you want to be in your bedroom, that is a fight worth having. Will the W be pissed? Most likely. Will you have your dignity back because of it? YES!

[LTD]

The fact that she is interested in counseling is very good...I would definitely take her up on it regardless of her statements...just make sure the counselor is pro-marriage

[ClingingToHope]

I wonder how successful these methods end up being?? I have dreams and ideas about the rest of my life that do not include jerking around for the next couple of years with a person that I do not even know anymore....

There is a forum with success stories and I've looked through those. I'm likely headed for a D, but honestly I haven't gone long enough without pursuing. I was warned by a DB counselor that my case could take a year or more to fix.

I don't want to date unless something has been filed so I'm going to offer a lower cost collaborative divorce -- something new here in Illinois.

It'll put the ball in her court. In my case, she'll owe me money to divorce -- pension, auto and credit card debt she ran up -- and she needs to see that at some point.

Our only chance is to survive and thrive and perhaps at some point the WAS will see he or she made a mistake. I know the scheming to see her and eloquent speeches weren't working.

So really DBing is about rebuilding your own self esteem and by any measure if you can do that you have been successful.

[Fightin4mywife]

"But I can tell you that I would trade counseling and being in the same house for this crappy separation and nasty divorce fights with rich in-laws sticking it to me."

Amen. My gosh how I would trade my situation in a heartbeat. I should NEVER have left. My w made life miserable for me and the kids with her anger and inappropriate displays. I should have stood my ground. She eventually told me she wanted a 30 day separation. That was 7 months ago.

I too have deep pockets countering me in this divorce and my attempts to just take care of myself. Every bit of activity out of my wife and her folks seems to have the purpose of inflicting pain. Some of it is just so pointless and unnecessary but somehow she comes away in better financial shape than me.

I too am in last resort. It ain't no fun. But I know, knowing my wife, that when she wakes up, she'll be very ashamed and remorseful of her atrocious mistreatment of me. If she wakes up. Breaks my heart.

Best to you. Hang tough.

To you, or anyone else in the Dallas area, or able to get to Dallas, check out www.theroadadventure.org. Best program I've ever seen for GAL, establishing who you are, your purpose, and where to next. I went through the program in June and am a volunteer now. I can say with total confidence, that if my wife would go through the program, she would at least give our relationship another try. If you can get here, and bring spouse for sure, do yourself the favor.

[Buffet]

So, we got back from our first counseling session today. I have to say the more that I read on here the "Alian" term seems very appropriate to describe these spouses. She tells me on Sunday she wants to go to a counselor, than Sunday night it is only for the baby?? Than lets me know today that we have an appointment available this afternoon if we want it with a pro-marriage counselor that I asked her to look into and she did. (thinking this is great dummy so far right!??)

Well....the session went well I think (this is my first ever time going to any type of therapy or counseling for anything) At the end the counselor asks us what our goals are. I say that I want to get back to developing a great relationship with my wife, raise a family, etc... She says that she wants to make sure we give it our all again only for the kid. The counselor says "OK, I understand that that is all that you can give right now, but for this to work at all you need to decide to be 2 feet in or 2 feet out, and than we can go from there....Wife says I am in (again everyone says this is great right.....?)

We get in the car to pick up son at daycare and ask her if she wants to get dinner. She says that is fine and than asks me what I thought. I said to her "I dont know I think it went fine but honestly have no expectations b/c I have never been to a therapist before and we were only there for an hour" She than gets very upset and says "Well I dont like her, and I know you do b/c she is taking your side on this!!!" I am perplexed and tell wife I dont think that is the case as we really just laid out or problems with no solutions or suggestions coming until the end when therapist asked for each of our commitments either in or out.

The rest of the night was tense and than she went to bed at 8:00 saying she was feeling well??? What does anyone make of this? It feels to me much like I said earlier that this is a big game, the problem is I am still unsure if I want/can handle the roller coaster that everyone refers to. I never really understood that until I started lurking here a couple of weeks ago, I dont even like roller coasters in real life!

Looking for some insight from those that have been thru this what do you guys/gals think about this?

[ClingingToHope]

Whatever you do, try to keep her going. The fact she feels the counselor was "taking your side" leads me to believe she is feeling guilty about the situation.

I went to one MC session with my W, thought it went well. The MC then wanted to see us separately. In my session, I laid out all of the different stresses in my W's life and that I was trying to help her lessen those, but it didn't seem to help and actually was making things worse. I didn't know what to try next.

W went to her one-on-one and said she told the counselor her only goal was to convince me that the M was over. So I said "what are we wasting our money for" in anger and we never went back.

Looking back, I should have seen the program through. Perhaps there would have been a breakthrough. I'll never know now.

Just keep going and don't get angry or defensive. Let her have her say and let her anger play itself out.

[Buffet]

Another question....her birthday is this weekend, what is appropriate to do? Usually, we would get a babysitter, dinner, etc..But I know that is not going to be an option this year. Our anniversary was 2 weeks ago and she did not even mention it that day in spite of flowers being sent to her office, and a card, dinner and gift waiting for her that night at home. Should I just get a card and say happy birthday, not acknowldege it at all, or something else?

[ShockedOne]

I would say to get the babysitter. Plan dinner, if she doesn't want to go, at least you tried. Then go get yourself a beer, the kids taken care of for the night.

[Buffet]

Not a good morning here. Wife was getting ready for work as was I and she just keeps acting like nothing is bothering her in the world, she looks over at me and says very coldly "what is your problem??" I just say that I am having a bad morning and that this is rough on me with everything going on. She than gets very irate and screams fine why don't you just D me and break up our family!" I probably should have handled it better but I broke down and said that that was not what I wanted at all, and that I am just having a hard time with things. So, than she is crying0mad I am crying-upset and we both have to leave for work not a great start to the day....

[LTD]

Sorry to hear about your morning. Hang in there. Don't give up on counseling. Try to maintain your composure at all costs. DON'T give up.