I'm saying that even IF Smiley says it's accurate, I don't know if it is. His wife and he were SO civil throughout the whole thing, that I've long been concerned that maybe this stuff was all going to come out later.
So I'm saying I wonder if SP's cavalier "gallows humor" isn't a defense mechanism, and that he cares more than he lets on.
@Puppy Dog Tails - You beat me to this, Kett. Methinks you doth protest too much, SP, and your devil-may-care attitude doesn't feel authentic to me. Maybe I'm wrong.
Okay. Cards on table. Sex is not a "thing" to me. I'm quite adept at separating the Emotional Connection from the Physical Connection. If all WAW had done was have an affair and confess it, that would have been recoverable-from. I "get" it -- bodies are bodies and sometimes bodies are pretty dam delectable.
Now then. She is trying to Move On from having Not (apparently) Moved On after Moving On.
For whatever reason -- the freedom, the thrill, the "change in life" she's been going through the past year or so, for whatever reason -- WAW has become sexualized. She's far more sexual -- far more open about her sexuality -- since D-Day than she ever was before. Her way of dress, her way of talk, her openness (in terms of gory details) about the A with Signore Schmuckatelli -- all represent a major shift in her, how can I say it?, understanding of herself as a sexual being. She wants sex. And, it would appear, she has begun to truly enjoy sex.
Now it also happens to be the case that, by her own declarations, she doesn't want to enjoy sex with me.
So okay. That sucks. Sucks to be me. But by the same token, she's divorcing me -- so in the grand scheme of things, her not wanting to bang me is rather small beer.
Now, as has always been the case -- and, one might point out, much to the oft-expressed frustration of Mr. PDT -- at the end of the day I simply want her to be happy. If Mrs. SPdom is not what makes her happy, then so be it. But I don't want the ending of Mrs. SPdom to be the ending of happiness in her life.
And that includes sexual happiness.
So. Yes. Yes indeed. All else being equal, I would prefer (a) to be boning my wife and (b) not to be getting a divorce. Okay. Ya got me.
AND. Yes. Yes indeed. If she can achieve some measure of sexual happiness -- short-lived though it may (or may not) be -- then I do indeed want that for her. She is, after all, the mother of my children. She is a woman I have known nearly my entire adult life. She is someone I considered a friend, a confidante, a partner, a pal, a lover, a buddy, a bane, a pain, and all the other things Significant Others are, for 22 years.
For what possible reason would I want her to be unhappy, unsatisfied, unwanted? Revenge? What possible good would it do me? Whether she is happy or unhappy, sexual or asexual, matters not a whit in terms of the Walk On My Path.
I would no more take secret pleasure in her torment, unhappiness, lack of connectedness to a man, than she would in mine with respect to a woman.
@robx - now that she is trying to be nice, it's like whatever, I spent too much time & energy. ... I would rather just disconnect and not be affected anymore. Not as much anger but it's more apathy now, more like, do whatever you want ... SP is that accurate with you?
I would rather just disconnect and not be affected anymore.
That must be what it is with the O'Dog.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Upon reflection, I wonder if I'm not responding to the conversation as much as the emotions. Whether or not the Mrs has her reasons, her behavior ATM (throwing her multiple infidelities in your face, with details, in context of how you nevah did it for her) is the acme of disrespect and classless behavior, I don't care if you are the worst lover in the history of the world. In that context, your response of "Good for you!!!!" sounds a lot more like a gambit than an authentic response.
Mind you, a 'nyah-nyah-nyah, I could care less who you f*ck, can't hurt me' gambit is no more than she deserves at this point, with the reaping and the sowing, etc. But ... an aid to genuine human contact and conversation, it ain't. If you are really beyond caring about that, suppose it doesn't matter. Except that you still have to co-parent, at the very least. I wonder -- don't know, wonder -- how much of her continued extreme expressed WAWliness is an effort to pierce your armor somehow..."WHY doesn't he care? I'll MAKE him care!!!" I'm not saying that's *your* problem, except as above, with the civil conversation co-parenting thing.
I don't disbelieve that you want the best for her, as she's someone you've cared about for a long time. Greatly to your credit, etc. But you seemed to get there .... *really* fast. So I, too, wonder if there isn't a great whacking bill of rage and pain out there to be paid at some point for all this mojo. Although perhaps you've been processing that elsewhere more than here. The difficulty with the faux-intimacy of this venue is the subtle assumption that we're seeing everything about the poster's sitch, when clearly we're not....
Maybe what you and Rob and O'dog are describing is just part of the process, though. Maybe you guys just naturally pull back, disconnect, take a break at times even though it seems counterintuitive and even though there is more emotion to be processed.
It may appear odd and somewhat emotionally suspect from the outside, but really, who cares?
Carry on, Men.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
or perhaps.... it's just that we we're tired of the "rage and pain", maybe we are getting through it finally, it couldn't have lasted forever (or at least we didn't want it to), we had to get through it eventually, we've adapted to the new environment and moving on is just the next part of this process.
Isn't this in part, the WAS process? You put up with what seems like unbearable circumstances for a long time and then eventually reach your threshold of tolerance and "walk away"....
Isn't this in part, the WAS process? You put up with what seems like unbearable circumstances for a long time and then eventually reach your threshold of tolerance and "walk away"....
Yep, from what I've seen, that's what happens.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
